Snow doom

I theorize. A lot. Especially in the car when I’m stuck in Route 28 traffic. It keeps the urges from getting out and strangling the people in front of me at bay.

For example, I came up with one that states: The number of stickers on the back of a car is inversely proportional to the owner’s skill at driving. (Meaning, the more crap on the back of the car, the less able the driver is; meaning pass those mofos ASAP.)

Another theory that I have deals with snow predictions.

Now, we all know that any prediction of winter weather in Western PA, ie, it’s cold or it will snow, causes people to immediately run out to the store and buy TP, milk and bread like the apocalypse is about to hit. But there’s an also, lesser known phenomena that occurs:

Snow predictions induce panic, forcing people to hop in their cars and drive around aimlessly. This is completely independent of those going to stores, because they are just flooding the streets in those areas.

So, here is my theory: The greater the severity of any predicted storm, the greater the chance that the least skilled drivers will go out, panic and forget all rules of the road.

For example, last Friday there was a prediction of snow. I swear, it took me 30 minutes longer to get to work. On my way there, I saw cars trying to make 3-point turns (which usually ended up being 6-12 point turns) while blocking both lanes of traffic. I saw people in the left lane unable to drive faster than 35 mph despite the complete lack of snow. I saw people completely confused about the whole “How do I turn on to the 40th Street Bridge from Route 28?” I saw folks completely confused, in the middle of rush hour traffic, trying to do all kinds of shenanigans that I didn’t think was even possible.

And yet, I was wrong. It was a complete mess. And there wasn’t even any snow on the ground — the prediction alone caused these folks to run screaming into their cars and drive around aimlessly, still screaming, because the doom was going to get them all.

Tonight, we have a “severe weather warning” that apparently involves “dropping temperatures and snow” — or translated, “weather common in winter in Western Pennsylvania.”

Friends are already reporting the stores mobbed with people.

It’s only a matter of time before the least-abled drivers are worked up into a froth-inducing panic and take to the roads.

I’m sooo happy I don’t have anywhere I HAVE to be tonight ….

In my head

Every now and then, I hit a wall, and become punch drunk. This became evident today in a Twitter conversation with my long time friend, Purplecar.

It always starts off innocently enough…

But then…

Naturally, I know I have caused confusion, and at this point, am giggling stupidly.

See, because I know Purplecar, I can just envision her blinking her eyes, a confused look of “WTF?!” on her face because she’s knows that it’s something obscure and stupid, and it’s vaguely familiar … and that makes me laugh even harder. So, I have to let her in on it …

(Gary is her husband, and one of my old fraternity brothers.)

For those who are still confused, this is what I’m quoting:

And then there are other conversations that I start innocently enough, because stupid notions come into my head (names removed to protect the innocent) …

The response?

Oh, watch as I completely whiff on Tim’s joke … yeah, I’m out of it.

So if I leave you an obscure sounding tweet or comment, believe it or not, it does actually make some sort of sense … to me … and even then, it’s iffy.

Can of worms, opened

"Why yes, I do sleep on an orphan-hide mattress stuffed with money and many beautiful women ... but you don't understand .... being a football player is HARD."

As I’m sure most Steelers fans have heard, Ryan Clark blasted us and the media (“us” for me, again), for being “overly critical.”

Really? Do you really want to do this, Ryan?

Well, apparently he did.

Here’s some of the highlights of his comments:

• Clark said the unhappy fans don’t understand how much work goes into every game, and he suggested he’s no longer playing for all of them. He also said the Steelers, one of the NFL’s most popular franchises, are held to a higher standard in Pittsburgh than teams in other NFL markets.
• “This year, increasingly, it’s made me realize that you have to play for your organization, you have to play for your teammates, you have to play for yourself, for your family, because the people on the outside don’t understand the frustration you go through,” Clark said. “They don’t understand the work you put in every day. A lot of people think we come in here and practice a couple of hours and then go out on Sunday and play this game. That’s not how it is. This becomes your life.”
• “But the one thing I’m not going to do is be depressed. I’m not going to go home and beat my wife. You know what I mean? I’m going to get down on my knees every night and thank God for the blessings I have.”

You know, I’m a media gnome. You’ll never see my name or face in the product, but trust me, you see my work day in and day out. Here’s a clue for you, Ryan — if your work is in the public eye, expect criticism. Even we media gnomes get hit with hate mail. It’s not normally directed at us specifically —  however, the hate mail goes to our boss, who is more than happy to post it up on our Wall of Shame. Some of the letters make us laugh. Others piss us off. But you know what we do? We suck it up and move on. And trust me, we’ve used the “they don’t know what it takes” line — but hell, that excuse doesn’t even matter to our bosses. What matters is that we have a final product done on deadline, and that we did our part correctly. That’s what we’re judged on. Period.

Speaking on that first argument — that one about “fans don’t know what it takes”? Well, actually, I think we have a good idea of what it takes. You see, this is Western Pa. — we were raised on football. We were indoctrinated at a young age with the sheets, lampshades, jammies, blankets, hatred of the Browns and Bengals — in fact, everything we owned likely had a Steelers logo on it. Game time was also family time — we grew up watching the game. Into high school, we had friends, neighbors and relatives playing — we also have our college teams that we followed. So yes Ryan, we know it becomes your life … but you’ve also been groomed to do this for your ENTIRE LIFE. It’s not like you put in 8 hours at a regular job, and then go practice for 4 more after work. You study your plays, you study your schemes, you study film, you practice plays and you work hard to maintain your health.

And that’s why we expect you to know your shit. Why we expect you to be in shape and to play your hardest for 60 minutes. Why we expect you to be able to read the opposition and make adjustments accordingly. We expect it because IT’S THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO.

Let me also remind you that you are paid an ABSURD amount of money TO PLAY A GAME. If you were smart enough to hire an accountant and a financial planner, you won’t have to work a day in your life after you retire from football. But here’s something you may not know … season tickets are a “big ticket” item budget-wise for your average fan. And this doesn’t include what they spend on parking, on tailgating (and trust me, they’ll opt for the SUV solely for tailgating purposes), on buying Steelers swag. But with what they spend to watch their team play, and how much they put into supporting you and your teammates  — guess what — IT BECOMES A PART OF THEIR LIFE, TOO. That’s why they’re so hard on you, and why their expectations are so high.

Of course, having the majority of your team come back the following year after winning the Super Bowl also creates expectations. And the fact that we’ve won that championship 6 times — something no other team has done — well, that certain creates expectations, too. You know, expectations like not losing to 3 of the worst teams in the NFL, or collapsing midway through a season. That’s what happens to other teams … not ours.

Now Ryan, I’m happy you aren’t going to become depressed and beat your wife (WTF?!?). And I’m also happy to hear that you are in the last year of your contract. I’m sure the Rooneys won’t be too pleased with your rant, and more than likely, next year you’ll find yourself on a team with much lower expectations — like maybe the Browns or Chiefs or Raiders. That way, you can relax a little more, gorge yourself on bon-bons until you’re the only safety in football that looks like Butterbean, and no one will care.

That’s the funny thing … winning brings expectations. Ask the Colts. Or the Patriots. Or the Saints. Or any team that you would want to play for.

No one cares about a losing team. Ask the Pirates.

Cause I want to be … Santarchy

I finally was able to take part in a little Santarchy fun … well, before I had to go to work. If you have no idea of what Santarchy is, it’s basically when people get together in various Christmas costumes and just run amok and spread joy throughout the city — but in untradtional manners. For example, a reindeer named Vixen was passing out cheap DVD porn to adults as they passed us by.

So, here’s a tiny glimpse into what happened. Some of these pictures ARE NOT SAFE FOR WORK, OR SAFE FOR THOSE WITHOUT A WARPED SENSE OF HUMOR.

We started off in front of the Cheesecake Factory in the South Side, but the security folks wouldn’t actually let us congregate in the little square there. So, we gathered on the street and, a little after 2pm, kicked off the shenanigans — singing dirty Christmas carols.

After we did that for a little bit, we headed off to the Hofbrau Haus. Now, having an assload of Santas, reindeer and elves pouring into an establishment is a site to behold. Even in a place like Hofbrau, we seemed to mob it.

Santarchists getting their cheer on.

Dancin', singin' and drinkin'

The reindeer are scheming.

Adolf the Reindeer

Now, Adolf the Reindeer is obviously a controversial costume. Even a few Santarchists were a bit confused by this choice. But as I found out later, he was part of a group of “8 tasteless reindeer” (or something like that) that included Vomit, Stoopid, etc. So, once that was understood, I had to get a picture of him in a bier haus. It’s just too disturbing not to.

Next we moved on to do a drive by Clausing at a book store. However, I was among a group of people that kept getting stopped for pictures. Yes, dress up and cruise around on the streets with loads of other people, and people will stop and ask you for a picture. And the vast majority say “Thank you!” after they get the picture.

This little boy was stunned by the shenanigans, but his mom had a bigger grin on her face than he did.

Also, people driving along the roads would cheer, wave and honk their horns. It was amazingly fun.

We piled into the Doublewide Grill for the next stop, which rapidly became too packed.

Fill 'er up!

Well, I’m past my “sitting in a place that’s entirely too hot and crowded” days, so I joined a bunch of people outside, where I had a little space and it was much less hot.

Deer and dogs

Gimp Santa and some porn from Vixen. As he said, "I'm comin down your chimney! Or in your chimney. Or whatever."

The Mizers having a friendly chat.

Santa Elmo. The little boy in the earlier picture didn't quite know what to make of him -- it was a mixture of "WTF" and pure Christmas glee.

I don't know why, but this picture continues to crack me up.

Adolf and Stoopid

The smoking section

And then, suddenly, things started taking a slide into the weirder side. I was taking pictures through the glass of the Doublewide, and when these guys pounded on the glass to get my attention. All of the sudden, bam! Cheetah skin and faux junk. I couldn’t stop laughing.

The disturbing Santas

Oh, the irony of finding a German Shepard and Adolf in the same spot

The nose presented some problems for some of the deer.

And then we were off to Lava Lounge. On the way, there was another Clausing of the library down there, but half of the crowd ended up going to the White Eagle. Someone apparently said, “Hey, they’ll give us free drinks if we stop in!” So naturally, we go. However, we get there and the bartender is bitter at us, there is no free drinks and well, there was more shenanigans to be held elsewhere.

We stop into Lava Lounge for a bit. It was to be my final stop, as I had to get my butt to work.

Into the pit!

My failed attempt to capture the glow from Heat Mizer's hair

By this point, I knew I had to get my stuff together and high-tail it out of there. I know more shenanigans happened, but I’ll have to link to other stories and pictures as I see them.

Until next year, folks!

Thinking of the positive

Well, since the Steelers “played” (and I used the term loosely) on Thursday, and now are pretty much done for the year, I’ve decided to start focusing on the positives:

• Not having to watch Ike Taylor and/or William Gay “cover” anyone, or attempt to tackle anyone.
• I won’t have to watch our Very Special Teams take to the field. (Note to coaches: Special Olympics champions don’t make good NFL players. Most S.O. champions know better than to play for our Special Teams.)
• I can finally get caught up on housework, and naps. And more likely naps than housework.
• No more Sunday rages, leading me to roll into work even more douchey than normal.
• Reason to hate the Browns again. I know this should be a given, but they were so uncompetitive for so long that beating them was like beating a high school team. So good for their cheering their victory like it’s the Super Bowl instead of for what it was — beating a floundering Steelers team. It reminds me that the Browns and their fans deserve my scorn instead of my pity.
• We can finally start thinning the herd of bandwagon fans. They are free to go and buy their Saints and Colts swag/temporary tattoos now.
• Focus on hockey! I love hockey! Go PENS!
• The Pirates can have a little company now in chateau bow-wow.
• I can do some Christmas shopping, free of guilt from not watching the game.

Where it all went wrong

If you ask me what happened to the Stillers this year, I don’t have any idea of where to start. But for me, their season is basically over — and that’s a tough pill to swallow. I expected to at least be a contender. But after how many last-minute losses, I’m done for the season. I’d rather watch a team that generally sucks overachieve than watch a great team underachieve. (See Bad News Bears.)

The Steelers season is about as attractive as this...

Is it the injuries? Coaching? Tomlin himself? I don’t know. From my complete outsider perspective, it seems like the team bit onto the hype early on and choked on it as the season continued. “Wait, we’re supposed to beat these teams, how come they’re not letting us win?”

One thing I do know is that there is no intensity to this team. They play like they’ve already lost, and we all know how self-fulfilling prophecies go. Like in Sunday’s game, when Ike Taylor gently tried to push the receiver out of bounds, and the guy runs on the sideline and scores. Really Ike? You really just nudged him? How about tackling? Could you give that a try?

As fans, we all have our theories … we’re going to point to this unit and that, to this coach and that coach … and Tomlin is really going to feel “unleashed hell” as fans turn against him.

My feelings? Well, I think there’s no player leadership on the team. I think our backups are unprepared. I think our special teams are “short bus” special.  I think our defense just flat out quits after 45 minutes because they expect their reputation to defeat their opponents in the 4th quarter. But again, this is all moot.

What’s really going to be interesting is what happens in the next few months. This is where we see what Coach Tomlin is really made of. Anyone can coach a team that’s winning … but the legendary coaches manage to pull something good out of a losing season and build on it. Time to see if Tomlin can do the same.

Coach, you’re on the clock. It’s your ball.

(Oh, and as a way to make all of us Stiller fans feel better, be sure to check out this drunk Ravens fan. Every time he smacks his head into the garbage can, and angel gets his wings.)

Quote of the Day, Vol. 4

Me: There’s just some things that ought not be vegan.
Rob: Like people.

And you think you’ve had a bad day…

From a friend’s Facebook status….

Last 24 Hours (abridged): cocktail dress; 4-inch-heels; white russians; 3 am; slip and fall; waking up in a strange house; knee pain; ride home; hospital; x-ray; mcl; leg brace; crutches; orthapedics; percocet; vomitting…AND looks like my car was stolen. My life continues on its path of awesomeness.

And if you think she’s all QQing or looking for sympathy, after several people commented sending hugs and whatnot, she responded with this:

I’ll see the orthopedist this week and find out if it’s a strain or a tear and if I’ll need surgery. I’m especially excited about the crutches just in time for snow and ice in Pittsburgh. Could be worse, right? My house could be filled with bees. That would suck if I had this horrible pain and a house full of bees.

So, no matter how much things are sucking, things could always be worse … just add a house full of bees into the mix, and you’ll see, things may not be all that bad as is.

Texted wisdom

You know,  there really isn’t a lesson learned in Rudolph. Their opinion of him wouldn’t have changed if he hadn’t saved their asses.

– Message sent by my “twin to a different mother” Holly

Read the fine print

For those of you looking for the perfect engagement ring, here you go.

If you aren’t completely sure about its awesomeness, be sure to read the comments. If they don’t convince you, nothing will.