Stuffed Peter

So I did my Xmas shopping today. All of it. Done. Finito.

And what’s really funny is several revelations I had today. But it all starts with the Stuffed Peter story.

So I was looking for a perfect gift for the bro-in-law. He likes tacky, original stuff, so he’s fun to shop for. He’s been threatening to get a huge belt buckle and wear it around my sister, much to her horror. So I was looking for the tackiest one I could find. There were several that had the silhouetted pointy boobed lady that is normally seen on the back of mud flaps — and well nicely tacky, just didn’t quite fit the bill. So then I stopped into Hot Topic to see what wonderfully tacky stuff that have. And that’s when Revelation No. 1 hit me. Damn, are the girls behind the counter HOT. They weren’t wearing anything revealing, but they were just slightly goth, slightly punk … and they both had sweet figures. I sat there for a second and thought, “Holy racks, Batman!” And then I snapped back to norm, and she showed me the ultimate in tacky belt buckles … the Marquee Belt Buckle. Yes, you can type personalized messages on your belt and parade around. I was sure I was gonna get it, but I held back for a second, thinking Spencers may have the same thing, or something similar. So I asked her to hold that for me, and that I’d be right back.

So, at Spencers, I walk in, and the first thing that hits you is all the Family Guy stuff on sale. Even the S&M Peter and Lois was on sale. But then I saw something I simply had to have for the holidays … The Stuffed Peter Griffin. If you haven’t seen him, he’s about a foot tall, has a present in front of him and is only wearing a Santa hat and a thong. But he’s not for sale … you have to get a $25 gift certificate to get him. So I find the cashiers, who also happen to be cute goth/punk girls, but younger than the girls at HT, and ask if I could just buy him without jumping through all the hoops. They say no, so I have to go through the rigamaroll of having to buy the gift certificate, and then I just decided to spend it right there, and bought the S&M Peter and Lois, and 2 pint glasses … one that has Quagmire’s best pick up lines and the other that has “The Official Family Guy Drinking Game” rules on it. During the whole thing, I eventually had both cashiers laughing like school girls — and I caught myself — “Oh my God, they’re laughing like school girls because, well, they ARE school girls ….” and ended it there.

So then it’s back to Hot Topic. I ended up talking to the one uber hot cashier for a little bit, and she informed me that she was 25. She also announced that she was “really happy” that I came back to buy that belt buckle, for some unknown reason. I shared with her my adventures in Spencers (sans the pervy customer angle), and she said, “Well, we have Family Guy stuff back there.” And I said, “Yeah, but you don’t have a Stuffed Peter.” Of course she broke out laughing, and then I pulled him out of the bag, to which she was like “Oh my God, that’s great!” This lead into other conversation, but again, I just decided to let it go ….

By this time, it was getting around lunch time, and I opted to head up to the The Waterworks mall and hit Uncle Sams, cause I need to hit Old Navy and Borders up there. And it was in Borders that I encountered a really hot older (well, older than 30) cashier … she was most likely a manager from her age and dress. And that’s when Revelation 2 hit me … I need to work in a store like Borders or Hot Topic just to meet ultra cute women and buy stuff I love at a discounted rate. Then Revelation 3 struck me: STFU, you have no love of people, and you will strangle the shit out of customers and be fired before you got the first paycheck. Ahhhhh, yes. My hatred of people. That’s why I do the job I do … I suck at customer service.

The rest of the day went smoothly … I came back a couple hundred dollars poorer, but whatcha gonna do, it’s the holidays, right? I stoked the woodburner back up (the logs thrown in were down to the hot ash stage), and when loading it up again, I had Revelation No. 4 … Always wear gloves when loading it up! Nice burn on my knuckle — it just bumped the firebrick — yeah, doesn’t feel good at this moment and time … and it’s not the first time I’ve done it.

So now I wonder if I’ll have revelation No. 5 tonight at BBT. God I love days like this…


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