A message to Sienna Miller…

In the paper tomorrow, there’s a story about Sienna Miller talking to “Rolling Stone,” where she basically says she doesn’t like Pittsburgh. She even goes so far as to call it “Shitsburgh.”

Now, when I saw this, my first reaction was, “Who?”

Apparently, she’s a London-born actress starring in the flick “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.” But her big claim to fame is being the woman who Jude Law cheated on when he slept with their nanny.

Wooo! Way to take that victim role and run with it!

So, I read a little further into it. Apparently she says something along the lines of “I hope you will pity me when you go back to your funky apartment in New York,” and also “I need to get more glamorous movie locations.”

Now, I’m the first to admit, the ‘burgh ain’t no trendy city. If hip, trendy and uber chic are your thing, we’re not on the A list. Most of us are from homes where our dads worked in the mills and moms were homemakers or secretaries. We’re working class folks. We love our sports. We love our beer. Faboolas and chic weren’t on the menu of things we were into–we were too busy actually working.

But Sienna, if you could be bothered to take some of your oh-so precious time to find out, the one common thing that I’ve heard about my city is that it is pretty friendly. Ok, yeah, if you’re rooting for the opposite team during a game, you’re likely to get your ass kicked. Any other time, pull up a chair at the bar, and you can strike up a conversation with the person next to you. And what’ll surprise you is that guy can be a coal miner, a millworker, a scientist, a computer geek, a nurse, a doctor, a professor or engineer. We’re all pretty much the same around here.

But if there’s one thing that is completely hated (other than the Browns), it’s pretentious behavior.

See Sienna, while most of the city will be curious about you because you are allegedly famous, we certainly won’t take your shit. We’re not LA, NYC or other cities where you are “someone” and people will kiss your ass. Unless you’re part of a team that won a championship, in this town, you ain’t shit. Ok, in your case, you’re that hot limey chick who thinks she’s too good for everyone, but that’s about it.

And if you don’t believe me, please, ask fellow B-rate celebrity Carrie Underwood about her limo experience. God I love that story. (To clue you in, she kept harping on the driver, to which she was told to “Shut her pie hole,” among other things.)

What immediately struck me about the few words that I read was that you’re a woman who wants glamor, chic and most importantly, the attention it brings. You want to be noticed and seen. My bet is you dream of being chased by the papparazzi, so it can fuel the drama that you want in your life.

And in that case, yeah, no wonder you hate this town. We don’t give two shits about you. You have to tell us that you’re an actress, and that you boffed Jude Law, and even then, people here would say, “Jude Law? I heard of him…didn’t he play for the Pirates?”

I love the fact that you don’t consider the city to be funky, even though the King of Funky, Andy Warhol, is from here. There’s a museum here for him and his work. But oh, you really wouldn’t know about that unless someone told you that it’s very chic and cool to like Andy Warhol.

But since your pretentiousness prevents you from mixing with us commoners, here’s a couple things about the city that you’ll never experience:

1) The drunken bliss that is the South Side. I’ve never been to any other city were I can gather up a gaggle of friends, go from bar to bar, drink all night, and end up spending $50 AT MOST. You will never know the blast that is drinking at complete holes like Bar 11, or having a yard at Marios, or having a Primanti’s afterward while being piss drunk. But oh wait, you don’t have friends, unless they can someone benefit you in some way, shape or form. My bad.

2) The fact that we have some fantastic little restaurants where the food is so good that you’ll rapidly understand that you’re paying 5 times as much for crap food “just to be seen.”

3) Hiking in the woods on a chilly fall day. Your fabulous, funky New Yorkers all zip up to Connecticut to see the leaves change–infact, I remember a few years ago where they were paying like $20-$50 for leaves on branches to hang in their apartments. Pffft. Retards.

4) Catching a Pirates game at night at PNC Park, or a cold Steeler or Pitt game at Heinz Field. Really, I’m not even a baseball fan, but that park is so beautiful that I can’t help but relax while there. And being in the elements during a crazy football game is fantastic fun…if you don’t feel alive there, you’re simply dead.

I could go on, but honestly, it’s late, and I’m tired.

But Sienna, let’s face the facts. You’re a B-rate actress trying to be something that your not. You don’t care for us. Cool. Whatever. But you sure showed us (and everyone else) how bright you are and what a class act you are by coming up with some wonderful words such as “Shitsburgh.” How original. No, really, we’ve never heard it. Ever.

Honestly, if you’re going to lob some insults, please learn how. You’re about as big of a loser and about as pathetic as the Browns, and that says something. Ok ok, your hotness ranks you over the Browns, but not by much.


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