04
Dec
06

Score! Nooget!

nummies

Ok, this blog is not for the squeemish. I’m saying this upfront. It’s very possible that you will be offended unless you share my absolutely sick and twisted sense of humor. There, I said it. Proceed at your own risk.

***********

So, in case you didn’t hear, there’s a true story about a 3-year-old boy from India who was devoured by pigs. Yes, domesticated pigs. I’m not making this up. Here’s the link: Killer Pigs

Apparently he wandered out of his house with some bread, probably to feed the pigs like he’s done with his parents in the past, and the pigs got the bread and him.

Now, when I first heard of this, despite the horridness of the situation, I could not help but laugh. And I mean laugh hard. It could be a defense mechanism from dealing with the horrid news that I see daily, but it was damn funny. The only thing I could think of was the pigs, and how the whole thing came about

“Dude, do you smell what I smell?”
“Yeah…I think that’s bread.”
“Did someone say bread?”
“Ooooo, bread! I LOVE bread!”
“And I’m hungry!”
“Where’s the bread?”

So the whole pack of pigs bound over to the hapless kid, knocking him over to get the bread. Then as they’re all going for it, one bites into the kid.

“Dude! I didn’t get bread, but this other part is good! Saucy!”
“Don’t take it all!”
“No more bread?”
“Nope, but that red stuff is pretty good.”
“Eh, why not, I’m still hungry.”

Now, I don’t think it says it in the BBC report, but I think in a different version, the only thing that was left were a few of the child’s limbs. Yes, they ate the head and all. Again, I couldn’t help but think what the first pig was thinking when he bit into the kids head…

“Score! I got nooget!”
“Awww man!”

So, after sharing my thoughts with a few of my co-workers, more scenarios were brought up. For example, Rob said something like, “Yeah, there’s nothing like shoving my snout throught the soft spot on a kid’s head.” Of course, I had to add gas to the fire and say, “It’s like spinach dip in a bread bowl…eat the good stuff inside, then eat the bread bowl!”

We also discussed how the movie that will show the tragedy will call them “land piranha,” (they can skeletonize a baby in less than 10 seconds!) and to make it like Jaws, you’d see their ears flopping on top of a fence as the run along the fence to attack unwary children. And we started oinking the Jaws attack theme afterwards…

I’m already in the habit (already) of saying “Don’t make me strap some bread to your ass and feed you to the pigs.”

Then, of course, Jen, being the animal lover that she is, said that she still liked pigs, and that she sees a guy walking one in the Waterworks mall in Aspinwall. “He’s not walking the pig,” I said. “He’s looking for stray children that his pig can eat.”

And to make matters even worse, this morning I was listening to Christmas carols, and the refrain in “Silent Night” where they say the baby is “tender and mild” made me burst out laughing. I now can’t help but see the pigs in the nativity scene eyeing up the Christ child, salavating a little bit, waiting for their moment to strike….

I also know that every time I see a cartoon pig or a popular pig, I’m gonna think bad thoughts. Miss Piggy feasting on Kermit, one of his little legs hanging out of her mouth, looking at the camera saying “What?” Wilber chomping down on Charlotte in one gulp after learning his valuable, life-changing lesson (“Spiders are good, just not filling!). Porky’s “That’s all, folks” takes on a whole new meaning. Man, it just doesn’t end.

Yes yes yes, I know I’m going to Hell. I know I’m a sick and twisted individual. But I’ve been telling you vegetarians for years that if these animals got a chance to eat you, they would. And by God, I’m right! Get them before they get you!

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