Muggle for life

Now, I know this blog will offend some of my dear friends who are Harry Potter fans, but seriously, it’s all I’ve heard people talking about for the past week or so, and I’m sick of it. I was really willing to let it all slide, but after hearing people say, “I’m on page such-and-such”, “Oh, I’m on page such and such too!”, there needs to be some ranting.

I know it comes as a surprise to some of you that I’m not a Harry Potter fan. I mean, I’m a colossal geek when it comes to most sci-fi/fantasy stuff, but even my geekery has limits. And it ends with Harry Potter.

Or let me phrase this another way: I’m a huge Star Wars fan. Do I dress up like Boba Fett or a Stormtrooper and go to the movies dressed like that? No. I’m a Star Trek fan, but do I walk around with a communicator and a phaser set for stun? No. I play World of Warcraft. Do I go into work and bore the newsroom with tales of high geekery? No. I try and keep all WoW talk with coworkers that play to less than 5 minutes.

But you Potter fucks, Jesus God, you pine over him like he’s the second coming of God. “Oh, did you see on page 34 that Harry scratched his ass?” “Shut up, you spoiled it for me!”

And did you see the nerds in line to get that fucking fucktard book? Eveyone with fucked up glasses, dressed like British schoolchildren, carrying wands and shit? Holy dogballs! There’s a word for people like you: Ghey. And this isn’t mean to offend folks that are gay. No no, ghey as in “weakest, lamest bunch of uberdorks that every walked the planet.”

Those HP fans are weaker than the crowd that lined up for iPhones. Hell, at least they were trying to make a buck by selling them on eBay. But the HP fans, “Oh, I HAVE to know if Harry lives or dies!” Here’s a tip. They all die, cause I’m going to bust a cap into J.K. Rowlings ass for unleashing this unholy hell upon the rest of us.

Now, being a nerd, I should expect this kind of stuff and be used to it. And in truth, I am. But from what I saw in the first 2 movies (ok, I really only got to watch the first one because the ex decided she wanted to have sex during the second one), I just don’t get what the big deal is about it. And don’t you dare say, “Well, you can’t go by the movies, you have to read the book.” Fuck that. I wasted a couple of hours of my life watching the damn thing, and it was dull as fuck. You know what I really hate about it? The language. Words like Muggle, Dumbledor, Slitheran — it’s just doofus wording that makes me want to vomit.

And this may be just my observation, but are far more women Potter fans than men? And they fawn over him like psycho female teachers over teen boys. It’s disturbing, really. “I like my men with effeminate features who are underage and wield magic.” Uh-huh. Says a lot, doesn’t it?

And did you fools pay attention to the book itself? Y’all are exclaiming, “It’s like 700 pages!” Yeah, 700 pages with 20-point type, a coloring section in the middle and a pop-up section in chapter 7. “And here’s where Herminie pulls out a .45 and busts a cap into Harry’s cheatin’ ass. How does the gun go? Blam blam blam!”

Face it, Rowlings is just as tired of this shit as I am. She wants her check, and she’s clockin’ the fuck out.

So, to round out my mockery of Potter, as I sat stewing while being bombarded by the HP chat, I decided that I would put out some titles for the next book, should Rowlings every decide to follow it up:

Harry Potter and the Pedaphile from Alcatraz
Hogwart’s School of Bitches and Douchery
Harry Potter and Machine of Hype
J.K. Needs Some Plastic Surgery, So Buy The Damn Book, Bitches
Harry Potter and the Riddle of His Sexuality
That’s Not My Wand, Hermine
Hoewart’s School of Bitches and Pimpinry
Harry Potter Knows You Fucks Will Buy Anything.

There, I feel much better. Enjoy your day.


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