Vermont Teddy Bears … for the man with nothing else to offer

We at Vermont Teddy Bear have received your calls and mails, and have responded! We know that most of you men aren’t cut out to be Firefighter or Police or Soldier Bear, that’s why we’ve launched a new line of more “realistic” bears for you to send to your special someone. While pictures aren’t yet available, we hope that these descriptions are enough to grab your attention!

1) Going Through The Motions Bear: Oh, look at him with his card, candy, flowers and all decked out to buy you dinner at that place you’re always nagging him about. He’s doing everything society tells him to do in a vain attempt to keep you happy! His eyes may be dead through dinner, but trust us, his heart is pounding at a resting rate! That guilt sex at the end of the night is bound to be completely mechanical and passionless! Grrrrr!

2) Inarticulate Bear: Oh he’s all thugged up and has the speaking ability of a 3rd grader, but that won’t stop Inarticulate Bear from trying to woo you with his charm! Notice how he can’t pull his pants up? Well, don’t worry, his dirty boxer shorts have hearts on them, and that’s to show you that he loves you and that you should wash them later! Squeeze his paw and he says, “Baby, are you feelin’ me?” and “You know what I’m sayin.”

3) Impotent Bear: Awww, poor Impotent Bear. He’s sobbing because he can’t perform his duties as a man. But that’s OK, you can just cuddle … and with his soft, plush fur, who wouldn’t want to? Don’t worry, we’re sure your girlfriends won’t say much behind your back when this one arrives at the office!

4) White Trash Bear: Now this non-energetic chap wears a wife-beater with assorted gravy stains and has a scowling yet confused look on his face. “It’s Valentine’s Day? I guess we should have the special Swanson’s Hungry Man Dinner tonight!” He comes with a dusty arc welder to light the candles of passion, because his lazy ass sure as hell ain’t working.

5) You’re What?! Bear: Oh, this cuddly fella sure doesn’t look happy at the news that you’re expecting! His tiny little brain is confused by the thoughts of “How did this happen?” and “How do I get out of child support payments?” Squeeze his paw, and he roars, “It can’t be mine!” and “You’re a whore!”

6) December-to-February Breakup Bear: Now this guy broke up with you back in December, but your relationship feels like it always did because he calls you often and still sleeps with you. That’s because DtFB Bear is too cheap to buy you any gifts for Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Look at those inside-out pockets! But don’t worry, as soon as Valentine’s Day is over, he’ll want to get back together with you. (Only available after Valentine’s Day)

7) Spousal Abuse Bear: Roar! Watch out! This guy is fierce! With a Pabst Blue Ribbon in his left hand, he can still smack you around with a vicious right! Squeeze his paw, and he’ll say, “Why aren’t the dishes done?” and “Baby, you’re driving me nuts. Shut the hell up before you get it.” (Available with a 40 of malt liquor)

8.) You’ll Do For Now Bear: Oh, this little fella’s a charmer, for sure! He’s sweet and nice, but watch out for those roving eyes! Squeeze his paw and he says, “Don’t you think that chick is hot?” and “I wish you had an ass like that.” Don’t be surprised if this guy is hard to come by … or if you find him on a co-worker’s desk! He’s naughty!

9) Smothering Bear: Well, instead of fur, this little guy is coated in velcro because he wants to be around you all the time! Good luck trying to get him off of you, because he loves you THAT MUCH. You may need to get Judge Bear to issue a restraining order on this fella!

10) Oedipus Bear: While this little guy loves you to death, it has nothing to do with the fact that you sleep with him! He loves that you cook, clean and do his laundry for him, just like his mom used to do! Pull down his pants, and you’ll see the tattoo of a heart with “Mom” on his butt! It’s good that he loves his mother so much … isn’t it?

11) Effeminate Bear: This metrosexual looking bear has looks to die for! Well groomed and uber trendy, how can you resist him? But he always seems to be hanging out with his best friend Julio, and they often spend more time dancing with each other than with you at the clubs. Just drift into your fantasy when you see Julio’s head bobbing in Effeminate Bear’s lap! You were drunk! It didn’t happen! Effeminate Bear loves you! (Comes with Julio)

Still haven’t found the bear for you? Don’t worry, we’re working on more, including “Rockstar Bear” and “Felon Bear”! So check back soon! We value our customers’ input!


3 Responses to “Vermont Teddy Bears … for the man with nothing else to offer”

  1. 1 joethepublisher
    November 13, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    Love the Vermont Teddy Bear concept. Looking forward to the time when you produce a “publisher” bear.

  2. 2 Jenny Johnston
    February 8, 2009 at 3:50 am

    As we descend upon the Season of Love, this one captures the moment. Now in years past, I believe Effeminate Bear was my main squeeze. But this year, dear friend, I think I have upped the ante. I now need Invisible Bear, the man who is not there. Because he really isn’t. Sigh.

    Still my favorite.

  3. 3 Three
    February 8, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Well, don’t worry, Jenny. I have a few more bears for the 2009 season — and I’ll be sure to add a variation of “Invisible Bear” for you. That entry should be coming soon!

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