Srsly mom, wtf?

So, mom gave me a little surprise the other day. She called and left a message saying she wanted to “set me up” with someone that she knew.

Now, this kind of took me by surprise, even though it shouldn’t have. Mom has no idea of the type of woman I like to date, but that doesn’t keep her from trying. I thought that maybe she would have given up by now, because every time she’s broached the subject a few times in the past, she has received the raised eye-brow look that denotes, “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

The first attempt at trying to set me up was when I was living at mom’s after I had just moved back from Florida. Mom had decided to hire a cleaning service (even though her house is almost always immaculate), and in walked a cute young woman who, judging by her accent, had never left the Alle-Kiski Valley. From conversation with mom, she found out that said girl had a rottweiler named “Angel.” And said girl thought that I was cute. And that was good enough for mom. Never mind that I like my women to have some kind of career, or if they are doing the cleaning gig, it’s only a temporary thing while they finish school. In hindsight, this would have been a perfect opportunity to set the tone for mom to stay out of my personal life — I could’ve pulled a “hit and run,” and mom would have been so horrified that she never would have tried it again. But then again, said girl would have access to the house, had a rottweiler, and being an AK Valley girl, she was probably a better shot than I was. I opted for personal safety first.

Then came the second time. The perfume girl at JC Penneys. She actually would stop in and buy perfume that she didn’t need from this girl, just to grill her for information on herself. And so one day, she hijacked me and my grandma to go to JC Penneys in a nefarious plan to get me to meet said girl. Perfume girl loved me. I was involved with The Freak at the time. When mom divulged her scheme to me afterwards, I ended up telling The Freak about it. The Freak said, “Do I have to go down there and kick her ass?” Yeah, that was a decline. For the perfume girl’s personal safety. Because even though The Freak always told me that we weren’t dating, she seemed awfully intent on eliminating any intrusion on her territory. Hence, The Freak moniker.

Then there was the the woman my mom referred to as her “Future Daughter-in-law.” She met said woman while working up at IUP. Mom works in the mental health field, and said “Fudil” was a great woman, a little chunky, but that was from the anti-depression meds. Whoa whoa whoa. Back up. Anti-depression meds? Well, apparently Fudil had some problems, but was due out of treatment soon. After batting my eyes in disbelief, I think I asked my mom if she was high. She was all “What? She’s just having a hard time right now!” It was apparent right here that mom and I had taken completely different turns regarding my personal life. Mine was “no more craziness.” Hers was to launch SCUD missiles of craziness at me.

So, after having all the flashbacks, I reluctantly called mom back for what was bound to be another painful discussion. Sure enough, mom did not fail. She said potential mate is “cute, fit and has 2 well-behaved labs!” OK, we’re off to a good start…but in the back of my head, I’m thinking “What’s the catch?” Then mom goes on to say, “But she just quit her job. She has some kind of depression going on. She’s going through some program to get it under control. But I think she’s pretty stable.”

For those keeping track at home, this means said woman is unemployed and in an unstable state of mind. At some point during the discussion, I started laughing like some kind of lunatic that has a play involving badgers, red-shirt Star Trek guys and the Swedish Bikini team unfolding in his mind. I’m sure she is a fine woman. But I think adding me to an already potentially volatile mix is probably not the best thing in the world. I fully admit, I just don’t have the time or the patience to deal with that stuff. Been there, done that, not going back.

So yeah mom, I think this is another one that I’m gonna have to pass on. Thanks for playing.

And, uh, could you do me a favor and put the game away now, please?


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