Lessons learned from "A Haunting"

One of my great weaknesses is a good ghost story. I’ve always loved them, and they’re one of the few kinds of movies that actually can scare me. Not because of any particular belief in them, but because they can actively engage my imagination.

But from my addiction to the TV show “A Haunting,” I’ve found that my addiction has lowered me to watching and listening to just about anything, from “Paranormal State” to “Ghost Hunters” as well. While I’m ashamed, I still feel better about myself than some of my friends who are addicted to “American Idol” and other reality TV shows.

One thing, however, has come out of watching this show continously. I have learned tips to help you cope with the paranormal, should the need ever arise.

1) If a house is on the market for a long time and priced substantially lower than all the other houses in the area, it is haunted. While this seems like it could be for any number of reasons, like a missing roof, it is actually because satanists sacrificed small children in there, or something similar, and evoked demons to haunt it.

2) Another house tip: If all the doors are and windows are nailed shut, that doesn’t mean you’re living in a bad part of town. It means that the house is haunted. You shouldn’t just “buy it anyway.” What the hell are you thinking?

3) Ghosts hate electricians. You can tell this because they constantly like to electrocute them. If you’re an electrician, you should ask if the house is haunted.

4) If you’re child is creative enough to have imaginary friends, he’s generally smart enough to name the friend something other than “Man” or “The Fairies.” I mean, if it’s fairies, it could almost anyone, like the Bee Gees.

5) Don’t blow all of your money on new furniture until you’ve lived in said house for quite a while. Many of the people who endure hauntings always say, “I was financially strapped.” So, either don’t spend thousands on furniture, or keep money set aside in a “get the fuck out” account. That’s probably a good idea anyway, but you know, some people don’t think about it.

6) Only Catholic priests can perform exorcisms. So if you’re a member of the Protestant church, you’re fucked. Of course, I still don’t know if that’s worth the trade off for other Catholic clauses, like the restrictions on sex and such. But hey, it’s always an option.

7) You can never develop land, or renovate your home. Doing so disturbs the spirits, and will incur their wrath. So suck up the asbestos and lead paint, which is what probably killed them in the first place.

8.) If you’re a young white couple, you can be damn sure you’ll be haunted at some point. They don’t tend to go after minorities or older couples. I’m still working on the theory why. So, don’t get married until you’re older than 30, just to be safe.

9) Amazingly, crack dens aren’t haunted by ghosts, just the living dead. Feel free to shoo them out and move in as soon as possible.

10) Psychics and wiccans are all over the place. If you’re being haunted, feel free to invite them in and make them fix it. They love to do it. Just like all nerds love to be invited over and then be called upon to fix computers.

11) Being possessed is a lot like being really drunk: You can say what you want, not remember it and apologize later on, and it’s instant forgiveness. “I didn’t mean to say your ass is fat. I must have been possessed or something!” “Oh honey, I’m so sorry! I feel bad now. I have a confession: That wasn’t a demon that carved ‘ass’ into your chest…”

12) Demons are a lot like drunks. Sure, they say “Your God can’t help you now!”, but are always defeated with a little bit of sage burning and little sayings.

13) Ouija boards open portals to other dimensions, just like Monopoly opens portals to capitalism. Game manufacturers are the root of all evil, and will swallow your soul if you let them.

14) If your wife or girlfriend tells you there’s something wrong with the house, and it doesn’t involve the tile in the bathroom, refrain from saying “Oh, it’s just your imagination.” Doing so will earn you the same look of disdain as if tell her that her cats are ugly, or suggest anal sex or a threesome with her best friend (though the cat comment will earn more anger than the later two in most women). And when she tells you that she feels like she’s going crazy, save your eye rolling until you are giving her a hug, or banging her ass while mocking her cat.

15) Paranormal investigators are, ulitimately, as useless in their offers of help as armchair quarterbacks are during a football game. “OK, well, we made some EVPs, and have video of stuff moving around by itself. Yup, you’re haunted. Whelp, time to go. And thanks! Good luck to you!”


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