Jewelry — the truth in advertising

[ June 8, 2006 ]

If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in the world, it’s the commercials for jewelry on the radio. I believe Shaw’s Jewelers and Jared are the biggest culprits, which is why I will never shop there, ever.

Normally, they play that one song where the guy is singing that craptastic, emotionally devoid song about how much he loves his girl, and that his gift of jewelry “is straight from the heart.” This song is so annoying that I always scream so I don’t have to hear it, and quickly flip the station. But I dread Christmas and Valentine’s Day because of it.

But now they have these two shills in two different commercials talking about jewelry.

First is the effiminate sounding man who says things like “…their selection is very nice,” and “Gold symbolizes permanence, it symbolizes beauty…it makes her feel special like she is.” He later says, “When I give her jewelry and I see her eyes light up, actions speak louder than words!”

Ok chump, so what you’re saying is that you have to bribe your wife to get some nookie; that she’s shallow and self-centered, as are you. You don’t know how to simply look into her eyes and say “I love you” with any kind of sincerity, therefore you just spend money on her. By the tone of your voice throughout the commercial, you were a band nerd whose balls never dropped, and this is the only way you can keep her around. You sicken me. Please, do men everywhere a favor and just off yourself, you nutless wonder.

The other is Lorraine–she speaks with a slight New York accent and continues to tell us about the wonders of expensive jewelry, proclaiming, “Picking out jewelry is an important decision…it’s an investment!”

An investment? Oh really? I’m wondering how that conversation goes:

“I was thinking about putting $10,000 into a Roth IRA, but instead, I decided the rate of return was much higher on this diamond tennis bracelet, so here you go!”

“Hun, are you wearing our retirement out tonight?”

Also, does this mean you also take your financial planner to go shopping for jewelry?

And what happens when you need a bank loan? I haven’t seen any jewelry-equity loans advertised yet.

Or when they do retire, then what? Is she really gonna give up those diamonds that she’s had for 30 years? “Yes hun, I know you love them, but I’m tired of eating catfood,” or “Why are you crying? I told you up front that it was an investment!”

It may be me, but I just don’t think that pawnshops give the same rate of return as, let’s say, a diversified retirement portfolio. And last I checked, there is no “jewelry” setting anywhere on the stock exchange. So where the hell does she get this “it’s an investment!” bullshit from?

Honestly, how do these people sleep at night? And do they actually believe this crap that they’re spewing over the airwaves?

Please, go with truth in advertising. Say something like, “If the woman in your life is shallow, nothing says blowjobs like diamonds!” At least most folks will find that more believable than the crap you’re trying to feed us.


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