Bodies are for hookers and fat people

[Note: This blog is brought to you by the power of Dogfish Head Punkin Ale. When you think pumpkin ales, think punkin! That’s punkin!]

So, earlier today, Pittgirl posted a blog about some alleged fashion guru named LaMont. Apparently he’s like the Dear Abby of the fashion world in somebody’s eyes … I don’t know, fashion doesn’t interest me in the slightest, and to top it off, I’m drinking, which means it matters even less than it normally would (if that’s even possible). But anyway, apparently he was all against khakis in cold weather — it’s some kind of fashion “don’t.” But he did recommend cords or molehair or some-and-such. I don’t know. I couldn’t get past the fact that he’s telling me what to wear, when in his picture, he’s not wearing anything at all.

Here’s Three’s helpful hint for the day: Wear something, douchebag.

Well, this topic apparently hit a nerve of contention for whatever reason. Someone mentioned pleated pants, someone else mentioned some other kind of pants … I dunno. See, in my mind, you all should thank the gods that I even bother to wear pants, so the exact kind of pants is irrelevant — as long as that shit is covered, y’all should be happy.

But no, this topic won’t die. More people yammering on about such-and-such. When I last checked it, it was in the 30s comments. Now, it’s up to like 64.  And I really want to say, “Where do you people think you are?”

I mean, for some fashionista to come into Pittsburgh and start lobbing out fashion faux paus is like putting an armed Dick Cheney in the vicinity of lawyers and puppies. How is that even a challenge?

Pittsburgh has never been known as a fashion hotbead. I mean, we’re talking about a region that still has people that embrace the mullet; where there is such a thing as a difference between flannel and dress flannel, and where you thank the gods that folks actually bothered to wear pants in the first place, because otherwise, that stool at Primanti’s in the strip takes on a whole new dimension of whether you will sit on it or not.

This part of the rant brought to you by Everybody Loves Hypnotoad!

Now, I’m not saying that fashion can’t be considered important. I don’t know when and how said thing is possible, because right now I’m catching a really sweet buzz and if you’re a chick with a nice rack, I don’t care how you’re dressed. But I’m sure someone, somewhere thinks it’s really cool and important. I think there’s a point in there somewhere, but I’m not sure where.

But again, I’m baffled. I mean, it’s just … clothes. You know, if it’s winter and I’m warm, that’s good, right? I mean, naturally I’m not going to wear sweats to a wedding, or to a job interview or when I’m going out to a circus to look for the sword-swallowing chick. But if your pants are pleated or not? Really? Hell, I’m not one who would even notice. Again, I’m wearing pants. Be thankful. Seriously.

So for all you fashionhounds who judge me by my pants and shoes and Stonecold Steve Austin T-shirt (oh God, flashbacks to the Monroeville Hooters … “Here we go Stonecold, here we go!” *clap clap*), I laugh at you. You know why? There are so many other great things to spend your money on — like really good beer and hookers and Web space for your cracked-out views. Who cares if I’m wearing khakis or molehair pants? Christ on a pony, you know how many moles that would take? An awful fucking lot, that’s all I’m sayin’.

Now I’m not sayin’ I don’t like a spiffily dressed woman, and fashion means a heck of a lot more to women thanks to “publications” like Cosmo. (You know, if they’re anywhere close with their fashion tips as they are on their “What men want” tips, you should never pick up another one again.) However, why would I want her to limit herself? I mean, hell, if she’s warm and comfy, or feels saucy in certain clothes, who am I to judge? “Oh, you can only wear certain clothes at certain times of the year.”


Bah I say.


Look, wear whatever you want when you want. Truly, I don’t care. Not many yinzers care, either. And the ones that do, do you really value their opinion? And if you do, should you?

[The makers of Dogfish Head Punkin Ale views do not necessarily agree with said views. In fact, if you find yourself angry at said views, you should drink Punkin ale until they no longer are relevant. Thank you.]


2 Responses to “Bodies are for hookers and fat people”

  1. October 30, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    Women are fucking goofy.

    They have to have dressup rules because, well because, they don’t want to be laughed at by other women. What the fuck kinda of passive lesbianism is that?

    Women will spend $300 on a pair of shoes and $500 on a purse that is, let’s face it, fucking ugly – and talk about how GOOD LOOKING those items make her.

    Take one of these chicks and parade her through a bar. Any bar. Any bar except Pegasus or Cattivo anyway, and then start asking the guys questions…

    Did you notice the girl?
    Did you like her ass?
    About how big were her tits?
    Do you think she could chug a good cock?

    Most every guy will gladly and quickly answer any of those questions.

    What color were her shoes?
    What did her purse look like?
    Did she even have a purse?

    Each question would be answered with a blank stare.

    Women dress up, to look good, but not to men. I’m telling you dude, all women are lesbians.

  2. 2 Three
    October 31, 2008 at 1:28 am

    While I don’t think I can agree with that, it’s still pretty damn funny to read. You do make an excellent point about a guy noticing a purse, etc. — I don’t think I could name a brand, yet alone recognize one — though I don’t think I could call it lesbianism.

    Of course, now that I’m relatively sober (having that nightcap beer as I type this — Sam Adams Cherry Wheat — thanks Corey and Jim!), I should have said something along the lines of fashion being a competitive thing for people who can’t really compete in traditional ways, or maybe my theory on why guys should only own a couple shirts and pants, or how my feelings on fashion were shaped by my gym/health teacher (who essentially said, “If you’re a guy and own more than 3 pairs of shoes, you’re gay.”). Upon further thought though, it’s probably better that I didn’t get into all that — I’d probably get all kinds of angry folks bashing me for it.

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