It's as bad as I remember

I had a big night planned — basically, after I got done cooking up a vat of homemade chicken soup and doing other sundry chores, I was going to geek out on my giant LoveSac, pop open a Dogfish Head Punkin, have the fireplace roaring and go on a Venture Brother watching spree. Bliss. Mindlessness. Heaven.

Except it didn’t go as planned. Things took longer than expected. The chicken took forever to cook. I didn’t feel like rounding up other ingredients and making the dumplings. I was tired from 5 hours sleep. And for once in my life, I didn’t feel like watching the Venture Brothers.

Mark that on your calendars.

Cause, you know, be scared nat.

Cause, you know, be scared n'at.

So I started flipping through the On Demand movie list, because I was still in the mood for a rather thoughtless yet entertaining movie, and there’s a plethora in Comcast’s free movies list. And then, near the bottom of the pile was my choice — “The Warriors,” circa 1979.

I really haven’t seen this movie for years. I haven’t even thought of it since, well, quite a while. I think the last time it came up in conversation was when a bunch of us started talking about it at work, and really, the only thing any of us could remember were the “Baseball Furies.”

You bad movie buffs almost certainly know this flick. There’s a big gang conference in New York City. The big gang leader has a plan to unite all the gangs under one rule and take over the entire city. Except a bad guy kills him, and blames it on The Warriors. The Warriors, on the other hand, are trying to make it back from the Bronx to Brooklyn where their home turf is, while the police and every other gang is after them. Rather simplistic plot.

Dude, you may have a bat, but youre still wearing bad make up.

Dude, you may have a bat, but you're still wearing bad make up.

But what really sets this movie apart from just your average bad movie is the costumes. Since this is 1979, these guys are more than just badly dressed — it’s so awful it’s hilarious. For example, the Warriors themselves are fashioned after American Indians. The Rogues (the bad guys) have some gay leather motif going on. There’s guys dressed up like mimes, guys wearing overalls and roller skates — really, if I would have been an adult in 1979 and been confronted by any of these gangs, I would have been less than intimidated. In fact, I would have been laughing at them.

I mean, seriously, watch the movie and tell me what you would do if a bunch of the Orphans came up and started hassling you. Or even the fearsome Baseball Furies. And really, would you stop to make out with the Lizzies? (Speaking of the Lizzies, they were the least motivated gang I’ve ever seen. They’re shooting at the Warriors in a 20×20 room, the Warriors bust out of a back door, and the Lizzies are all like, “Man, we lost ’em” WITHOUT LEAVING THE ROOM. No chase, no nothing! Christ on a pony, ladies, go to the steps and throw stuff at them as the run away!) Watching all of these gangs in action made me laugh hysterically — the kimonos, the bad kung fu, the dialogue (“We’re gonna get Japped!”) — you couldn’t even come close to making a movie this bad if you tried.

Warriors...come out and play...

"Warriors...come out and play..."

But if there was one consolation, I did recognize one actor: The leader of the Rogues.  And it was because of his voice. He’s Doyle, the leader of one of the gangs in the Bruce Willis epic “Last Man Standing,” and also a gang member in “The Crow” (T-Bird, the guy who gets duct-taped in his car and blown up). His real name is David Patrick Kelly. Of course, while pulling up this info, I had to look at his age — he’s like 857 now (minus the 800). Cripes! And he’s got about a billion other roles. Wow, Dave, you’ve come a long way since this illustrious start!

So, if you have the time and the inclination, this flick is a much watch. So painfully awful that you can’t help but stay tuned for more. I may have to watch it again, just to give me hysterical dreams tonight. Wow. Who knew pain could be this much fun?


6 Responses to “It's as bad as I remember”

  1. 1 Greg
    November 13, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    Can you dig it?!?!?

  2. 2 Three
    November 13, 2008 at 4:29 pm


  3. 3 Sly Reference
    November 16, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    You missed David Patrick Kelly’s crowning moment, which was in Commando.

    “Remember how I said I would kill you last,” said the Schwarzenegger.

    “Yeah, you did! You did!”

    “I lied.”

  4. 4 Three
    November 16, 2008 at 9:10 pm

    Oh man, how could I have missed that? LOL, haven’t seen that movie in forever … can’t wait to see it again just for him.

  5. November 19, 2008 at 12:43 am

    Caaaaaan You Dig Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit?!?!?!?

  6. 6 Three
    November 19, 2008 at 12:48 am

    That’s it. I have to watch that movie again tomorrow as I clean up the living room and do laundry.

    Wait a minute…why don’t I own that movie yet? Srsly, WTF!

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