Rudolph meets the modern age



So, I was watching “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer” last night — my first time in forever, mind you — and as I watched, I kept chuckling because, if someone were to try and make it as it is, they couldn’t do it.

Now, I have to admit, it’s not the first time I’ve had revelations about Rudolph. Years ago, when I lived down in Florida, I caught it after not seeing it for like probably 9 years (didn’t get to watch it in college, just kept missing it after that). It took on a whole different dimension then — the sexism, the fact that I could now safely assume that Hermey is gay, Yukon Cornelius and his link to “Deliverance” — the list goes on and on. But last night, after having a few beers, I started thinking about how it would change if it were set in 2008.

1.) General: Santa and Mrs. Claus are always accompanied by armed elves due to constant protest from PETA and various groups that claim he genetically manipulated the deer in order for them to be sentient. Santa was forced to move the deer into caves because animal-rights extremists burned down their stables.

2.) Opening scene: Santa visits the Donner cave. After Santa makes a comment to the Donners about Rudolph’s red nose and his unlikely ability to join the sleigh team, the Donners file a lawsuit against Santa for his active discrimination against their son for being born with a birth defect.

Foul temptress!

Foul temptress!

3.) Rudolph meets Clarice: After Clarice tells Rudolph that he’s cute and he takes off flying, Rudolph is promptly drug tested, and also tested for ADHD (because his exuberance couldn’t be due to his youth). To be on the safe side, he is put on Ritalin but denied the opportunity to join in reindeer games. The Donners file another suit against the teachers, administration and the Reindeer School District (whose mascot, incidentally, is “The Slayers”).

4.) Hermey the Dentist: After Hermey quits for not being able to do the job he’s been hired to do, he promptly files suit against Toy Corp. for creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with his inability or non-desire to actually do the job — as surely, anyone aspiring to be a dentist is also smart enough to be able make a couple of freakin’ toys.

Lets runaway together!

"Let's run away together!"

5.) Rudolph meets Hermey: Since both are running away, they decide to steal some skateboards, go emo and live on the edge.

Dont lick picks!

Use some common sense if you're going to lick picks!

6.) Yukon Cornelius: After too much pick licking, Yukon Cornelius contracts tetanus.

7.) Mrs. Donner and Clarice: After Donner leaves to go look for Rudolph, Mrs. Donner and Clarice take Donner’s American Express card and head to NYC for some stress relief ala “Sex in the City” — extravagant shopping, spas and man chasing. However, after realizing that he wasn’t carrying his credit cards, Donner discovers his American Express Card has been taken, and pretty much figures out what happened, since Mrs. Donner always complains that the cave is too drab and could use some livening up. He abandons the search for Rudolph in order to track down Mrs. Donner.

8.) The Land of the Misfit Toys: It’s actually an underground gothic dance club, complete with those who claim to be vampires, aliens and those who can’t let go of their out-dated video game console systems. “Freaks!” Rudolph shrieks — pointing at people who still own and use Intellivisions. He sneaks out after Hermey and Yukon Cornelius begin exploring their attraction to one another in the very cramped bedroom.

Youre both whores.

"You're both whores."

9.) Rudolph vs. the Bumble: Mr. Donner has been chasing Mrs. Donner and Clarice for a long time, and eventually caught up with them after they ducked into the Bumble’s cave. Rudolph sees them all running into the cave, and overjoyed, follows them in. The Bumble springs the trap, and knocks out Rudolph. Donner does nothing, because, well, if he’s eaten, he doesn’t have to pay his American Express bill. He calmly turns to Mrs. Donner and Clarice and matter-of-factly proclaims, “You’re both whores.”

I needs help! Im so confused!

"I needs help! I'm so confused!"

10.) Hermey, Yukon Cornelius vs. The Bumble: Yukon Cornelius convinces Hermey to start squealing like a pig because when they’re alone, it’s a turn on. But when the Bumble comes out to investigate, they quickly decide to have an intervention for the Bumble. They sit him down and talk to him about his anger, his constant lashing out and wanting to eat everyone despite his loss of teeth due to his heroin addiction. They decide it would be good to go watch Dr. Phil and get some counseling, and leave together.

Rudolph, with your wisdom so bright, wont you drop your lawsuit tonight?

"Rudolph, with your wisdom so bright, won't you drop your lawsuit tonight?"

11.) The Deer Return: The Donners and Clarice return to Christmas town, just in time to see Santa’s summons delivered. “That’s one hell of a storm out there!” the constable says. Their lawsuit, filed so long ago, will finally be heard, despite Santa’s realization that he was wrong and that Rudolph’s red nose can save Christmas. While the Donners are happy that Santa has had a change of heart, they decide to proceed with the lawsuit, because of the “mental anguish” that tore their family apart.

Rehab FTW!

Rehab FTW!

12.) The Others Return: After successfully rehabilitating the Bumble, Hermey and Yukon Cornelius come back to show off the Bumble’s new job skill — putting things on top of other things. Clearly, he is on the fast-track to success and won’t ever relapse again.

13.) The Return to the Land of Misfit Toys: Santa lets Rudolph lead the sleigh in order to hopefully cause the Donners to drop the lawsuit. They return to take the toys out of the club. “Thank God!” King Moonrazor says, “Those whinely little bitches are on my last nerve!”

14.) Santa dropping off the Misfit Toys: Santa gives the Misfit toys umbrellas to carry them safely to the non-Christian countries of the world, knowing full-well they will become deadly weapons as they plummet to the ground. U.S. spy satellites catch what’s going on, but Cheney tells G.W. it’s for everyone’s benefit — fewer emo toys, fewer godless heathens that could infiltrate U.S. shores — but that fence with Mexico better go up anyway, just in case.

The scapegoat

The scapegoat

15.) The trials: While the jury is sympathetic to Santa, they side with the Donners on their lawsuit against him and the Reindeer School District, and award them $100 million. The court also finds that one spot on the sleigh team must be occupied by a handicapable deer. (Santa would award this spot to “Goober,” who is near-sighted, and put him in the back.)

Before Hermey’s lawsuit can be heard, he is mercilessly gunned down in front of the courthouse. Conspiracy theorists argue that the hit was ordered by Santa and carried out by the elf supervisor with bad teeth or the “Tall Elf” in order to keep Christmastown alive. However, FBI agents Mulder and Scully later find that it was actually carried out by FEMA on behalf of greedy insurance companies, who have already lost entirely too much money on Katrina to afford this kind of nonsense.

– fin –


11 Responses to “Rudolph meets the modern age”

  1. 1 Mike
    December 4, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    This may be your best blog ever. Nice job!

  2. 2 Greg
    December 5, 2008 at 11:22 am

    Very nice. But, “runaway” should be “run away” in your caption and tooth loss is more common in methamphetamine abuse than heroin.

    Perhaps Yukon should be arrested for pick licking in front of minors.


    Gonzo Spellchecker and Guerrilla Editor

  3. 3 Three
    December 5, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    Oh man … well, to be honest, the whole thing needs to be edited and tweaked. I’ll probably go back through and clean it up a bit (since there were a couple grammar points that made me wince).

    I think in my original drunken version, Yukon Cornelius’ tetanus was going to be fatal — but that just got too depressing.

    God, I really do need to start spellchecking stuff … but when I’m off the clock, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

  4. 4 Barb
    December 5, 2008 at 12:57 pm

    It’s been a while since I’ve caught up on my blog reading, but *this* post was hysterical — especially considering I watched Rudolph the other night.

    Maybe you should have everyone over to watch the holiday specials with you (we’ll bring beer) so we can get your commentary live! 😉

  5. 5 Three
    December 5, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    Actually, when I’m watching something like this and the creaky wheels start churning, I tend to sit and quietly giggle to myself with a shit-eating grin on my face. That’s how you know something good is fermenting in the ole noggin’ (and where that smell was coming from).

    I only pull MST3K style quips on shows/movies that I really can’t stand (with a few exceptions).

  6. 6 Sly Reference
    December 5, 2008 at 8:36 pm

    *That* is something taken to a ridiculously absurd level. I’m surprised alcohol was the only drug involved.

  7. December 16, 2008 at 5:11 pm

    Awesome, awesome – just awesome and stuff.

  8. December 17, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    This was outstanding! I am submitting it to StumbleUpon.

  9. 9 Three
    December 17, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    Thanks guys!

  10. January 7, 2009 at 1:40 am

    That was awesome. I got a kick out of the fact that they “remastered in HD” Rudolph in the first place… hmm.
    Good old Christmas. Always up for a good laugh.

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