The Quirkening

Today has been an offbeat kind of day, and I’m tired and drinking a beer (Sam Adams Cherry Wheat), so I’ll just sum it up brief-style.

And we wore an onion on our belts, which was the style in those days...

"And we wore an onion on our belts, which was the style in those days..."

1.) Listen to your elders: My iPod battery went loco again, so I was forced to go without it today in the gym. My co-worker Huggy Bear came strolling in, and introduced me to a couple of old-timers who were BSing the entire time I was there. Turns out the one guy had a great story about how he stepped on to a small commuter plane (years ago), and pretended he was a drunk pilot. (Any attempt to tell the story here would be useless — it was a definite “had to be there” thing.) Immediately after he was done, someone said, “There’s no way in hell you could do that today.” Yeah, of course not. But now I’m wondering what will fall into that category when I hit “old Coot” status. Hell, I can think of things now that I did that would be absolutely frowned upon in at least 39 states.

2.) Weight training: OK, when you haven’t really gone at the workouts hard, it really hurts when you do. I woke up this morning and was like, “Why am I sore? Oh yeah…” My left elbow is giving me all kinds of grief, which is odd when you consider it was my right one that I dislocated.

Dammit Trixie, wear a goddamn seatbelt one of these days, will ya?

"Dammit Trixie, wear a damn seatbelt one of these days, will ya?'

3.) That guy: You know that jackhole who flies past you on the highway when there’s mildly inclement weather afoot? Yeah, that’s me. You know why? It’s not that you’re a complete and utter idiot — that’s only a secondary reason. The first is that if I stay behind you, you’re going to cause me to die. You see, it’s not that I enjoy being a jackhole driver, but you know, your random braking for no reason is going to cause me to hit my brakes and spin/crash Speed Racer style, my little Gobot car exploding and mildly irritating my skin. I’m not going down with Spritle and Chim Chim in the trunk — at least not until I find out that Racer X is really my long lost brother who left home many years ago. I’ll take my chances and go around you. And yeah, I’ll be flipping you off as I do it. Do us both a favor and stay home, will ya?

For the love of God, make it end.

For the love of God, make it end.

4.) Now just how lost are you?: For the past two weeks now,  a certain co-worker has gone cell phone crazy. Last week, her sister got lost after dropping her off at work, and instead of going a few blocks back to the co-worker’s home, somehow ended up in Saxonburg. I don’t even understand how this is remotely possible, since Saxonburg is like 45 minutes outside of the city. But talking her back took in the vicinity of 3 to 4 hours. Super Mario and I were ready to just shoot each other in the face to put an end to our pain. Last night, the same co-worker had the speaker phone turned on, even though she was holding it up to her ear as she spoke, not realizing that everyone else in the office could hear her entire conversation. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such pain, but I’m seriously considering launching people out windows. Srsly.

How many God-damned chances did you want, dumbass?

"How many God damned chances did you want, dumbass?"

5.) Badger’s Return: Long-time readers (from my myspace blog days) may remember a different co-worker I call Badger. A few years ago, Badger, a notorious smoker, had spots on his lungs and quit smoking. Then, when everything cleared up, he started smoking again. A few months ago, the same thing started happening again, and he quit smoking. Today, he came over to talk to Huggy Bear, and he mentioned that the docs gave him a clean bill of health, and he’s thinking about starting to smoke again. Dear mother fucking God — you’ve dodged the big C 2 times. You already cough more than a 1950s farm tractor that’s being fired up again after being stored away for winter. You’ve successfully kicked the habit. I’m sorry, I have no sympathy anymore. If you start, you’re an idiot, and you get what you get.

I assume you want another beer, assclown.

"I assume you want another beer?"

6.) The Tauntening: I really started going after Super Mario with that taunts today, because for whatever reason, the ridiculousity of the day has just gotten to me. She mentioned how tonight when she got home how she was gonna watch Season 4 of “Lost” and get drunk. So every hour or so, I went into my “swave” voice (a story for a later day) and was all, “Man, I’m goin’ home, gettin’ drunk, and watchin’ ‘LOST’!”, to which she loudly called me a dick and asshole. Sadly, no one in the office even budged, because her calling me that is such a common occurance. The other sad part is that when Season 5 starts, I’ll be over at Mike’s, drinking beer and watching “LOST”. I’m such a hypocrite. LOL.

How YOU doin?

"How YOU doin'?"

7.) Food run: Since I fell asleep this afternoon, I didn’t have time to cook. I’ve been starving all night at work, noshing here and there. I stopped at Taco Bell (no lectures on how it’s barely above edible — I simply don’t care), and sure enough, since the High Mojo cycle is still in effect, I got a “How YOU doin’?” from the drive-thru girl. Let me tell you, she disturbed me. I will never understand the hoop-lip piercing dead-center of the face, especially on a woman that I thought was a man when I initially drove up. For the love of God, those forearms on her were HUGE. So, you know, I got her number and am givin’ her a call later. (The things I’ll do for free chalupas.) You betcha!

Sweet, sweet booze.

Sweet, sweet booze.

8.) The Shoppening: In a tactically deft move that I’m sure will be shrewdly compared to the German “Going around the Maginot Line” maneuver, I’m knocking out my Christmas shopping AND grocery shopping tomorrow. I’m sure this will involve much gnashing of teeth, many anger-fueled, steel-toed Doc Marten back kickenings, lunch at Uncle Sam’s Subs, a couple James Harrison-style hits, followed by a little unwinding with some fantabulous enchiladas at the Iguana Grill on the South Side. Thank God that place is open again.

Oh, and there will be boozing. Much, much boozing. Just look for the Unabomber looking guy that’s grumbling to himself. That’ll be me.

And I’m yours for a couple of chalupas.

([9.] And for you bastards that were whining because I haven’t been curmudgeoningly lately, are you happy now?)


4 Responses to “The Quirkening”

  1. December 17, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    I don’t mind when people drive past me at high rates of speed on snowy roads. I drive a sports car, therefor I must go slow in the snow.

    A few years back I was coming down 51 when a monster of a snow storm kicked up and had everything coated in about 5 minutes.

    I kept it in second and motored along like a 90 year old lady on her way to The WalMart*.

    Big truck guy comes up behind me, switches lanes, passes me and switches back and instantly disappears into the snow filled sky ahead.

    A few miles down the road I see the rear of his truck. I specify the rear end of it because the front end of in a ditch and the rear end was visible only because the truck was not vertical. I considered stopping but someone else had beat me to it, and I could see the truck driver standing next to his back axle.

    I did however beep and wave.

  2. 2 blabsofsteele
    December 18, 2008 at 10:50 am

    Why is it that Lost has become the hangout show? I never got hooked on it. It reminds me of Dragonball Z without all the fight scenes. Maybe we need to start a beer drinking hangout thingee for what’s left of Battlestar Galactica. Or Heroes. Some show that’s a little less of a soul crushing fever dream. Whaddya say, eh?

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