'Mofo, you ain't bein' saved.'

The title of this blog made me laugh really hard when I initially read it — mainly because my friend Drey typed it out at me the other day.

You see, I mentioned on Facebook that I go sober in January and February. I started about 5 years ago upon hearing bad news after bad news, and realized after I went out for New Year’s Eve that I was a powder keg just waiting to explode. So, I quit cold-turkey and spent like 2.5 hours in the gym every day, just working out my anger and sadness — until I got to a place where I didn’t feel like tearing people’s faces off anymore. And I found that it was a great break — I mean, from September on through to January, it seems everywhere I go, someone’s putting a beer in my hand. Football, Oktoberfest, Highland Games, Irishfest, Homecoming, the holidays, just celebrating fall (my favorite time of the year), the various great fall/winter ales — honestly, after all of that, I found that the couple month break just feels good. So, it became a habit.

But Drey, Drey thought that (somehow) I found religion, which is why she said, “Mofo, you ain’t being saved.” So, while being hysterically funny to me, it was also absolutely true.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate religion — I just know it’s not for me. In my thinking, there are 3 kinds of people in this world:

1) The intuitive person: This individual is able to take a VCR, toss the manual aside (because it’s confusing), and get things to work on his own because he realizes that this isn’t all that hard to figure out.

2) The manual reader: This person reads the VCR manual, follows the instructions, and gets things to work. He keeps the manual around for reference, and reads over it periodically, especially after power failures.

3) The manual reciter: This person can quote the manual backwards and forwards, but the clock on the VCR still blinks “12:00.”

And out of those choices, I’m a one.

So, with that in mind, religion and I have a mutual understanding — we keep out of each other’s hair. When we do reach points where we intersect, we try and keep things respectful. They don’t try and convert me, I don’t throw out my “Jesus on a stick! Get your red hot Jesus on a stick!” line when the altar boys carry the crucifix down the middle of the aisle. And that’s that. In fact, the last time I was in a church for a friend’s wedding, my friend Ang remarked, “Oh my! You’re in a church … and it doesn’t end it ‘Brew Works’.”

The only church youll see me worship in.

The only church you'll see me worship in.

So, I reassured Drey that I was still a heathen, and she was happy.

But then the reason for the absolute truth behind what Drey said popped up today. I was checking out the obits at work, and realized that one of my great-uncles had died.

Now, Uncle Em was like in his late 80s, and was married to an aunt who is a blood relative. For whatever reason, my great-aunts seemed to have  married men who were mostly duds, and he could easily be counted as one of them. Not so much an uncle as someone who just tagged along and fathered a couple cousins. In my life (and I spent a lot of time chatting with my aunt, who lived like 6 houses away), I think I’ve heard him say 5 sentences. Other than that, it was always, “Huh?” One of those “can’t hear but won’t get a hearing aid” kind of people.

When I realized that it was him, here’s what I said:

“Oh shit! My uncle Em died!”
*quick reflection*
“Oh well, no big loss.”
*quick realization*
“Fuck, I have to go to a funeral now.”

Super Mario, tears in her eyes from laughter, managed to squeek out a “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Yeah Drey, you’re right — “Mofo, you ain’t bein’ saved.”


4 Responses to “'Mofo, you ain't bein' saved.'”

  1. December 29, 2008 at 8:04 am

    praise the lord! hallelujah! you ain’t been saved!

  2. December 29, 2008 at 10:17 am

    The worst part of getting older…

    More funerals.
    More weddings.
    More shit you gotta buy every xmas because there are more nieces, nephews and godchildren.

  3. December 30, 2008 at 4:26 pm

    Great Post. I think there might be room for a fourth type though. I would like to consider myself an intuitive person who acknowledges the authority of the manual and checks it from time to time. However, I think that the same guy that wrote the manual made the VCR intuitive enough that not everyone had to quote the manual all the time. In fact I bet He gets pretty pissed off when “leaders” try to tell everyone that there way of reading the manual is the “right” way. Then they write extra books that they say are “related” to the manual, but really aren’t. If I were the manual writer, I’d be pissed.

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