The New Year, predictions for

Hammer at The Random Fuckularity completely beat me to this post (warped minds think alike?), but I’m going to post my predictions for 2009 anyway:


1) Obama will be declared “disappointing” by the majority of Americans. This will have no reflection on what he actually does, but rather what people are expecting out him:

  • The Right Wing will be disappointed that Lenin will not be resurrected from his tomb and named Speaker of the House, nor has “May Day” been made a national holiday. T-80 tanks and mobile missile systems also will remain in Russia, and not roll down Pennsylvania Avenue in a display of U.S. military might.
  • The Left Wing will be disappointed that Obama can’t wave a wand and make everything free, and that Care Bears won’t be delivering warm muffins to their doors on a daily basis. Not that there won’t be several committees studying the idea, but none will get past the “distinct lack of living, breathing Care Bears” part of the problem.
  • In September, the media will do an expose on President Obama,  and discover that what comes out of his butt is not, in fact, sunshine.

2) At a “changing of the guards” ceremony, Dick Cheney will attempt to gnaw off Joe Biden’s face in a Hannibal Lecter-type move, and will suffer his 10 billionth heart attack. While both men are in the hospital, Shadow Government surgeons will pull off face transplants a la “Face Off” — just for shits and giggles.

3) The Shadow Government will form a committee to figure out if they can sink any lower than Sarah “You betcha” Palin or Caroline “You know” Kennedy for an office, and still have people buy it without ramping up the “get out to vote” efforts.

SG No. 1: “Dude, I swear … Geico Caveman vs. Janeane Garofalo … it’ll rock!”
SG No. 2:
“Wait, isn’t the Geico Caveman a fictional character?”
SG. No. 1: “You mean Janeane Garofalo isn’t? Holy shit!”

4) Israel and Palestinian militants will reach a peace agreement, and break it a few months later. The rhetoric from both sides will say that the other side didn’t live up to its end of the agreement, and is fully responsible for the ensuing carnage. OK, that’s not really funny, but it will happen … for the 10 trillionth time ….

5) Officials will declare that the insurgency in Iraq and Afghanistan is over. And this time, they double-pinky swear it to be true.

6) ShamWOW’s Vince will be named Treasury Secretary for President Obama, and declare that Americans can save money by buying a ShamWOW. “You’re spending $20 a month on paper towels anyway — you’re throwing your money away!” After millions of Americans heed his advice, paper towel manufacturers will ask for, and get, a $7 billion bailout.


1) Somewhere, a hippy will proclaim, “You know, I’m not here because of the Earth or the music or the God-awful poetry. I really just want to do a lot of drugs so that I don’t mind scoring with hairy chicks.”

2) Somewhere, someone watching “American Idol” will realize that just because a singer can hit 15,000 notes in 3.23 seconds, that it doesn’t make the song any more emotionally powerful than if they carried the same note for the same amount of time.

3) Somewhere, a skater kid will hear “Stuart” by “The Dead Milkmen” and think they are the best new band to hit the scene in years. When said kid googles them and realizes how long the song has been around, he will drop down into the “tragically emo” stage of teen angst.

4) Somewhere, someone looking to lose weight will realize that the main key to weight loss is, in fact, eating healthier and exercising … not buying ridiculous contraptions or swallowing heart damaging pills.

5) Somewhere, a nerd will sit back and bash a superhero movie because it didn’t “stay true to the comic,” no matter how fantastic and awe-inspiriningly well done it is.

6) Somewhere in California, a thin, hen-pecked metrosexual man will sit, disappointingly playing with his breakfast — half a grapefruit. He will turn to his vegan wife and snap, “For fuck’s sakes, can’t a man get a little bacon around here? Man I’m sick of this shit.”

7) Somewhere, two people on eHarmony will meet, and it will not be an instant connection. It will not be “Snap.” In fact, by the end of it, they will wonder what the hell that service was thinking by matching them in the first goddamn place, cause that other person sucked total ass.


1) Jesus will come back, and to everyone’s surprise, will have a stereotypical gay lisp, very effeminate gestures and refer to everyone as “honey.” Millions will be royally pissed off, quit the church, name him “the anti-Christ” and demand his death. He will later speak normally and say, “Wow, I was just fucking with you guys — but if you’re gonna be douches about it … ” and go all Armageddon on their asses. Much to their surprise, when they wake up, they’ll find themselves hanging out with Hitler and Osama bin Laden. “We were only trying to do what is right!” they’ll cry, but then Hitler and Osama will say, “Yeah, we tried that argument too … but it turns out Christ isn’t as forgiving as advertised.”

2) Buddha will be discovered in a small Chinese restaraunt in America, having 2 A9 combos (General Tso’s chicken) with fried rice, a large bowl of wonton soup, 3 egg rolls and a large diet Coke. Magazines will run all kinds of articles about his caloric intake and how unhealthy it is. Buddha will simply laugh and say, “Hey man, I’m a diety — so fuck off and stop worrying about it. Sheesh!”

3) Muhammad will visit a suicide bomber cell, and simply shake his head in disapproval. “Hear you nothing that I’ve said?” But they won’t get the reference since “Empire Strikes Back” is number 5,972 on the “Things that are evil and offend the Koran” list.

4) Observant jews around the world will still lament not being able to have bacon, cause man, that stuff smells great.

5) A movie star will abandon Scientology and claim to have found a new life-giving truth — “Whatever that stuff is in the green tea moisturizer from Proactive Solution has got to be bottled love! I feel so good after I use it!”


1) Product spokesman Billy Maise will have hit throat ripped out by an irrate insomniac who is damned tired of hearing his pitches. Newsweek will have a huge headline on the cover: “AMERICA CHEERS!”

2) More people will become famous for absolutely no reason, leaving more folks scratching their heads and wondering how this happens.

3) It will be revealed that a well-known sports figure did, in fact, use performance enhancing drugs — but America will be disappointed when they find out it’s only Viagra.

4) A woman will think that her listless 40 lb. cat, Mr. Bon Bons, would really enjoy some more cat toys.

5) Boba Fett will, indeed, kick ass and take names. That’s all I’m sayin’.


8 Responses to “The New Year, predictions for”

  1. December 31, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    I cannot wait for this 2009!

  2. January 1, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Great post.

  3. 3 Mike
    January 1, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Very nice. One correction on a minor detail: The Obabma-philes are actually expecting the Care Bears to deliver warm WHOLE-GRAIN muffins to their doorstep every day. Otherwise you’ve hit the nail on the head.

  4. January 1, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Effects of Vince’s Sham WOW Stimulus plan will be short lived because he couldn’t do it all day and as it turns out, the German’s don’t always make good stuff.

  5. 5 Three
    January 1, 2009 at 4:43 pm


  6. January 1, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    …also to note, said Care-Bears will be on scooters to deliver the muffins as its better for the environment.

    Culture #3 – True That

  7. January 7, 2009 at 11:49 am

    “Somewhere, someone watching “American Idol” will realize that just because a singer can hit 15,000 notes in 3.23 seconds, that it doesn’t make the song any more emotionally powerful than if they carried the same note for the same amount of time.”

    Thank you, thank you. Every time I catch a live sports event, a big one where they include the national anthem as part of the show, I always sit and wait for the Ritual Ruining of the National Anthem by _INSERT R&B STARS NAME HERE_.

  8. 8 Ian
    January 20, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Great stuff!

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