Save the sea kittens!

I don’t know if you’ve heard — but PETA is on the move again. This time, they want to change the name of fish, in general, to “sea kitten.” It’s part of a campaign aimed at children to make them less likely to harm and eat our wet, aquatic friends.

And no, this is for real. Take a look at their Web site: Sea kitten campaign.

If children were taught to refer to fish as “sea kittens,” reflecting that fish, like cats and dogs, are “individuals” that “do have friendships,” fewer fish might be killed for food or sport, said Pulin Modi, a PETA spokesman.

Since the spearfish was first mentioned in the AP article, let’s take a look at this fine fellow.

Oh Mr. Bon Bons, I wuv you so much!

Oh Mr. Bon Bons, I wuv you so much!

As you can see, it is obvious what a lovable little scamp the spearfish is. His plush scales make you want to hug him and squeeze him all day. And how he uses his little fins to  bat yarn around is just adorable. And don’t forget that sharp bill, which tickles when he rubs it against you! He’s so full of energy and obviously loves to play! Oh my! How could anyone harm, let alone eat, such a lovable sea kitten!

Resist the urge to put your hand in the tank!

Resist the urge to put your hand in the tank!

But then there are these guys … the dreaded “land” kittens.

Oh sure, they look “friendly” and “adorable” and “so cuuuuuute” — like they’d curl up in your lap after being all tuckered out from romping around in their lair. But don’t let that cuteness fool you — this particular litter of kittens skeletonized a cow in less than 6 seconds. The only reason the photographer lived was because they were full. Leave one in your lap for any length of time, and the next thing you know, it’ll be dining on your intestines.

Now, all joking aside, I’m not for animal cruelty. I don’t think it’s funny to spray animals in the eyes with hairspray. That’s wrong, and only deserves to be done to misbehaving children and teens. And Lord help you if you hurt a dog or cat in front of me — I’m likely to go all sickhouse on your ass and beat you until you’re unconscious. I don’t mind hunting when the animal is actually used for food, but abhor trophy hunting. And I’ve never kept any sea kitten I’ve ever caught (but since I never caught anything in the sea, maybe they are lake kitten or stream kitten or freshwater kitten).

If you folks at PETA want to understand why no one takes you seriously, it’s because of campaigns like this. Fish and kittens are nowhere near the same, and you can’t look me in the eye and tell me you expect a child — even a dumb child — is going to agree with you. Any child that has gone sea kittening with grandpa will tell you that fish smell nasty and are pretty gross — and if they had the chutzpah to touch one, are pretty much the polar opposite of a land kitten.

This idea ranks right up there with your efforts to try and get Fishkill, NY, to rename itself “Fishsave.” (Even though, for the Dutch settlers who founded the place, -kill means “creek.”) Outside of being just completely retarded, this would only make “Fishsave” a Mecca for Deadhead-wannabes. (Of course, under your newest plan, the town would have to be re-renamed “Sea Kittensave.” Yeah. Brilliant.)

So, I wish you guys the best in your current campaign. Not that I think anyone who buys into it is an idiot, but, well, they aren’t exactly playing on the side of brilliant. And I think it’s safe to say that even the Obama government isn’t going to take you seriously, no matter how liberal you think they are.

In the meantime, I think I’m gonna broil up some sea kitten, and serve it with lemon and extra tartar sauce on the side. Sea kitten — it’s what’s for dinner!


3 Responses to “Save the sea kittens!”

  1. January 10, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    PETA really needs to scale back on their ridiculous campaigns.

    HA HA! Get it? Fish, SCALE back? Woooo hooo.

    Funny stuff.

  2. January 12, 2009 at 9:25 am

    That Sea Kitten looks delicious.

  3. January 12, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Wouldn’t it be great is this backfired?

    Say, yeah, children around the US start calling them sea kittens…. and yet children still knew damn well that talapia is some tasty shit. So they whip out dads tackle box and pocket fisherman and try to catch, kill and cook some kitten of their own.

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