Prophecy of doooooooom!

This past week, for those of you that missed it, has been “Armageddon Week” on the History Channel. And with that comes about 8,000 shows on Nostradamus, The Bible Code, the Mayan doomsday prophecy, Revelation, and every other force that allegedly has predicted some kind of doom.

And in case you didn’t know, this doom comes on Dec. 12, 2012.

Or Dec. 21, 2012.

Really, it depends on which guy you’re listening to. But one things for certain — definitely don’t buy any Christmas gifts in 2012. There won’t be a point. The only thing we’ll all be getting is DOOM, and not in the fun video game form.

At first, I was watching these shows for their sheer entertainment factor. Like “American Idol” is a guilty pleasure for some folks, I can’t resist watching these shows. But then, after hearing about Nostradamus for the 10 billionth time (and how they spoke of his “prophecies” as fact), I had enough.

I’m saying this for the record: Nostradamus has never predicted anything. Ever.

Oh sure, Nostradamians can point to various quatrains and say “Oh, well, this one predicted this, and this one predicted that.” But if you actually look at them — genuinely read them for yourself — they are so vague that they could mean anything. In fact, the one show had Penn & Teller on it, acting as debunkers. And they held up a book on Nostradamus that said the evil villian it was talking about was the Shah of Iran (for you folks who know your 70s/early 80s history). In later editions of that book, the same quatrain’s prediction was switched to Saddam Hussein. And the prediction fits! How about that!

Also, there’s the one that’s allegedly about “Hitler,” but he talks about “Hister” in his writings. And the Nostradamians say, “Well, if you switch around the ‘t’ and the ‘s’, and swap out the ‘s’ with an ‘l,’ BAM! Hitler!”

Well sure, if we can swap stuff around, we can make anything into anything else. I mean, swap my genitals out with a woman’s, give me boobs, and BAM, I’m a chick! Really, how do they get away with this crap?

And when was the last time that Nostradamus actually predicted anything? I mean, really really predicted something. It’s always after something has happened that the Nostradamians pop out and say, “Nostradamus predicted that!” Folks, that’s shooting an arrow and painting a bulls-eye around it after it landed. That’s bullshit. And it’s not a prediction — it’s a “post-diction.”

I also love the guy who said Nostradamus predicted global warming. Apparently, he uses a quatrain that talks about a fire in the sky — which I’m sure could alternatively be interpreted as a comet, a meteor, a supernova, a UFO or the sun, depending on what was actually happening in current events.

Then there’s the Book of Revelations, and the guys who talk about it’s predictive powers. Like they talk about the “wars and the rumors of wars” line and link it up to current events. Really, can anybody think of a time in their lives that the news wasn’t reporting on a war, or the potential for war to break out,  somewhere on the planet? Can anyone, looking back through history, find a time when there was no fighting going on at all? Just think about it.

And then there’s our good buddies, the Mayans. Apparently the Mayans made a calendar that goes on and on and on, but ends in December 2012. Does that mean that the world ends because they didn’t bother to carry it out even further? Maybe because since it’s a “rebirth” — maybe you just start from the front again. Maybe they ran out of space on their pyramid. Maybe they had some beheadings to attend to. Who knows!

Oh, and apparently all these guys believe that this impending doom has to do with the earth lining up with the center of the galaxy — some special event that only happens every 26,000 years or so. Which, if we accept that modern man has been around for 160,000 years, has already happened 6 times. If we accept that the Earth is 4 billion years old, then it’s obviously happened quite often, and yet everything is still here.

Even the guys who made the Bible Code will tell you that Nostradamus and these other guys are a joke. Now, as far as prediction devices go, the Bible Code is pretty interesting. In a nutshell, it’s a “system” that finds hidden messages in the Bible by using very advanced, sound math and code breaking techniques. (Of course, critics point out that it will find messages in any book that is about the same size as the Bible.) However, it falls into a similar problem as Nostradamus — it has never actually predicted anything that I am aware of. But it’s awesome on past events — like plug in 9/11, and it pulls out stuff like “The Twin Towers will fall” and all kinds of words and phrases that require no interpretation.

But I believe it has predicted that Armageddon is coming on Dec. 12, 2012 — or was that Dec. 21, 2012, I can’t remember — from an asteroid. And yes, NASA has confirmed that there is a big asteroid that is scheduled to fly close to — but not hit — the Earth on that day.

So, when it comes to prophecy, I think I’ll stick to an old Iron Maiden song, “Die With Your Boots On.”

Another Prophet of Disaster
Who says the ship is lost,
Another Prophet of Disaster
Leaving you to count the cost.
Taunting us with Visions,
Afflicting us with fear,
Predicting War for millions,
In the hope that one appears.
No point asking when it is,
No point asking who’s to go,
No point asking what’s the game,
No point asking who’s to blame.
‘cos if you’re gonna die, if you’re gonna die,
‘cos if you’re gonna die, if you’re gonna die,
If you’re gonna die, die with your boots on.
If you’re gonna try, just stick around,
Gonna cry, just move along,
If you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die.
In 13 the Beast is rising,
The Frenchman did surmise,
Through earthquakes and starvation,
The warlord will arise.
Terror, Death, Destruction,
Pour from the Eastern Sands,
But the truth of all predictions,
Is always in your hands.
If you’re gonna die, die with your boots on,
If you’re gonna try, just stick around,
Gonna cry, just move along,
If you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die.

It makes far more sense than anything Nostradamus has ever said.

(And hey, if I’m wrong — be sure to tell me on Dec. 13 or 22, 2012.)


4 Responses to “Prophecy of doooooooom!”

  1. January 13, 2009 at 6:49 am

    maiden RULES!

    and btw…..while Nostradamus is full of shit…Slantedamus is correct 98.5% of the time.

  2. January 13, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    The problem is that people like to think that they have the scoop. It’s the same brain-fuck that makes people line up for days to see a really popular movie on the day that it comes out. Like if they don’t see it then, they won’t have 4 weeks to watch it in the theater like everyone else.

    Fuck people.

  3. 3 manifestingabundance
    January 25, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    You make some interesting points. I agree that the sheeple don’t always know what is comming and follow the most popular fad. Check out

    December 21, 2012 and Nostradamus have been scaring people on the History

    7 reasons you don’t have to fear December 21, 2012
    my blog. Please post
    your comments for discussion.  Co-creation is preferred.

  4. January 5, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    All of you have missed the point, Prophecy is foretold so that a responsible person can take accountability for their own evolution into human, can take responsibility for their own future, and can take responsibility for their own well-being. Prophecy is also foretold so that a responsible person would declare that the prophecy does not describe them, and that they are better person than that prophecy, and that they deserve better than that prophecy. Then, a responsible person will exert a high degree of effort to forsake, or rebel, or work against that prophecy. To allow religious, government, and corporate authorities to decide your fate, and cooperate with the prophecy, is NOT responsible action.

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