For the 5 millionth time …

Invariably, on days like today when it’s like ZERO outside or when we’ve just been hit with a bazillion inches of snow, someone will say to me, “I bet you wish you were back in Florida now!”

So, let me flat out answer this question once and for all: “No, I don’t.” And here’s why:

  1. I hate being hot. 75-degrees and warmer, and I’m melting like Frosty the Snowman if I do any kind of physical activity. And since it may plunge into the 50s or 60s a few times during winter (and it’s funny as hell to see South Floridians dressed in winter gear when it happens), that means the rest of the year, it’s 85 and above. Not for me. Don’t miss it at all. And you know, there’s just something that’s just flat out wrong about playing volleyball on the beach on Christmas. Just sayin’.

    I hate these things more than just about anything else.

    I hate these things more than just about anything else, including the Ravens.

  2. Have you ever seen Palmetto bugs? They’re like 2-inch roaches with 2-inch long antennae, and they fly. And not only do they fly, but they have the flight characteristics of a Zeppelin laden down with heavy cargo. They hover, and you can hear them hovering. Once, at my dad’s second wife’s house, I was going up stairs to my bedroom after falling asleep in front of the TV. I didn’t turn on any lights, cause I didn’t want to wake anyone up.  Upon stepping down, I felt one of these things wiggle out from under the arch in my foot. Yeah, they don’t die easily, either. Big bugs, Florida’s got ’em. And how.

    Yo, grandma ... lets go.

    Yo, grandma ....

  3. Douchebaggery. I have never seen douchebaggery run more rampant than when I lived in South Florida. People down there would sell their grandmas for a nickel, and then it would turn out that it was actually someone else’s grandma. I learned never to believe anything anyone said down there. A yinzer friend once commented to me, “You know what the biggest difference between home and here is? Back home, if you ask your neighbor to watch your place cause you’re going on vacation, you’re shit is watched. Here (in Fla), they’re the first person breaking into your house because they know you’re gone.” (But to be fair, douchebags are everywhere — however, the ratio for it is seems much higher down there.)
  4. New Yorkers/New Jerseyers: A friend from NYC once told me that all the NYCers/NJers who couldn’t hang in those places move to Florida. I don’t know — to me, they’re all the same: Lots of talk, nothing to back it up. And no matter how good something is, everything is always so much better in “the city” (you know, which is why they left in the first place). Regardless, I now have a lingering hatred of folks from those areas — the accent alone will make me tense up and want to hit people. Of course, this is all kind of odd, because some of my best friends are from that part of the country. Go figure.
  5. Hurricanes: The drinks are great — the actual weather event can be brutal. And these events will bring out the supreme douchebag in folks down there — my dad (who still lives there) told me about people putting sheets of wood over their windows in preparation for the storms (you know, drilled in to the home) — and then they’d go to work  and come back to find someone had stolen the wood off their house. And you know how we have the TP, bread and milk snowstorm jokes up here? Well, they have the water/canned goods version — except it’s not really a joke. You can end up without power for weeks. Personally, my provisions were beer, water and shotgun shells. Lots and lots of shotgun shells.

That’s not to say that I don’t miss certain aspects of Florida — I do. I miss Cuban food and Cuban bread. I miss the Keys. I miss my dad and my good friends who still live there. But that’s not nearly enough of a reason to get me to move back there.

So, yeah, we get cold snaps every now and again. It snows really hard every now and again.  I’ll take it any day of the week. Pennsylvania is where I belong.


4 Responses to “For the 5 millionth time …”

  1. 1 Rose
    January 16, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    I agree with all of it and now that I’m living in Jersey..yeah..I REALLY agree there. Someone always knows a guy who knows a guy but no one ever really knows a goddamned thing.

  2. 2 Three
    January 16, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    That last sentence made me laugh really, really hard. It sums up my NYC/NJ experience perfectly.

  3. January 16, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Fuck Florida. Fuck everything about Florida except The Keys. Which I don’t consider to be Florida. That’s the place where Pittsburghers live because they aren’t pretty people, they don’t like living in square upon square of uniform looking housing, and ya know sometimes a big fucking weather event is just an excuse to buy a new home.

  4. January 17, 2009 at 10:01 am

    You left out the low alcohol beer.

    One other exception: Captiva Island is an earthly paradise. (They have a large yinzer contingent down there.)

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