09
Feb
09

Police arrest cereal icon

In an incident that shocked the Kellogg’s community, Tony the Tiger was arrested after allegedly eating his young. His cubs, Anthony Jr. and Antonia, have not been seen since last Thursday.

According to sources close to the legendary cereal spokeman, Tony has been depressed and was seeking treatment for relapsing into his addiction to sugar. It wouldn’t be his first bout with the substance — Tony has been battling his sugar addiction for more than 30 years.

When asked how his children were, cereal spokesman Tony the Tiger responded, Theyre grrrreat!

When asked how his children were, cereal spokesman Tony the Tiger allegedly responded, "They're grrrreat!

A Kellogg’s spokesman had no comment.

Tony’s scrapes with the media are well known. In 1982, a very wound-up Tony was caught on film savaging reporter Sally Wiggleschuff outside of a posh L.A. nightclub where he had been partying all night with the Trix Rabbit and Fruit Brute.

“His eyes were very wide, and you could tell anything would set him off,” said cameraman Jose Smith. “Why Sally even bothered to approach him was beyond me. He’s still a fricken tiger, for Pete’s sake.”

Because of his natural charm and wild beast status, he was acquitted of all charges. However, in an effort to console Wiggleschuff’s family, he sought out treatment for his sugar problem.

He was later married to Priscilla the Tiger, an aspiring actress who he met while undergoing treatment for the fifth time. They had 2 cubs; Anthony Jr. in 1995  and Antonia in 1998. Priscilla died while on vacation in the African savannah in 2005 after choking on an antelope bone.

While the school cited privacy concerns about the cubs’ records, an anonymous source said that the two have been discipline problems, and have repeatedly bitten and scratched classmates. The source said that they were both on the verge of being expelled. “While discussing possible options for his children, I heard that Tony was biting the hair off of his tail and asking, ‘What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t take this shit much more,'” the source said.

Police reports indicate that patches of fur were missing from Tony’s tail. Veterinarians confirm that the chewing off of fur could be a symptom of extreme anxiety.

Another source close to Tony said that he likely was back on sugar. “Those damn kids … they never listened to him. They were always demanding something. And when they weren’t demanding stuff, they were jumping on him and biting his ears. He was a wreck — he just couldn’t keep up or deal with them unless he was sugared up,” the source said. “When I’d see him, he would either be very excited and happy or very irritable and lethargic. I’d always ask him how his family was, and he’d say, ‘They’re grrrrrrreeat!’

“It’s so sad, really. I don’t think I’ll be able to eat ‘Frosted Flakes’ again,” the source said. “I guess I’ll have to start eating ‘Lucky Charms’ or something — but I keep hearing rumors about Lucky and the Quaker Oats guy — like they’ve been seen propositioning guys in the park. I don’t know — we keep hearing more and more about the cereal icons being just royally messed up. What’s a parent supposed to feed his kids anymore?”

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