The great Vday massacre

Normally, I really bomb the crap out of Valentine’s Day. It’s not the day itself that gets me, but rather the advertising campaigns that make it seem that if you don’t expend ludichrist amounts of cash on bobbles for the woman in your life, you’re some kind of subhuman who deserves to have forks shoved into his eyes and then to be slowly simmered to death in a giant vat of pig dung.

But this year, this year I’m sad to say there will not be any bashing.

No, I’m not in love. God, I can’t even believe you thought that. Ridiculous!

What’s changed is that this year, thanks to my handy dandy iPod, I have dramatically reduced my Vday rage by not listening to the radio. And I haven’t been watching a lot of TV, so I haven’t seen a lot of commercials. So, even though I’ll be participating in a couple anti-Vday celebrations (mainly cause I’m a sucker for a good drinkfest), I’m really just kind of ambivalent to the whole thing this year.

But here’s my (non-rage-filled) feelings on the whole thing anyway, cause I know you’re just dieing to know.

Vday is all about expectations. The guy often tries to do the right thing by getting her a gift, but fails because the gift isn’t what she expected (or desired) it to be. For example, one of my coworkers talked about the time he got his girlfriend tires for Vday, and she went off on him. But in all actuality, that was a great gift — he’s saying he cares enough about her to make sure she doesn’t slide off the road or experience a high-speed blowout and die. But because tires aren’t romantic, the gesture is unappreciated and both parties are frustrated and pissed off. (After one crone-esque coworker heard the story, she complained, “How about a real gift like an engagement ring or something?” Uh, who the fuck says he wanted to marry her, dumbass? Jesus!)

This expectations thing is why I opt not to celebrate it — and the one time I did (she basically forced me to go at gunpoint), it was one of the most painful dates I’ve been on. If you’ve ever read my Vermont Teddy Bear blog, it was equivalent of the “Going Through The Motions Bear.” Two words: Seriously. Horrid.

In my mind, romance is something that simply is. Trying to force it works about as well as stuffing kittens in your shorts while singing the Star Spangled Banner: Sure, it can be done and you may even have a good time doing it. But you know, deep down, something just feels unnatural about the whole thing.

Happy Vday.


11 Responses to “The great Vday massacre”

  1. 1 funkyskull
    February 13, 2009 at 10:32 am

    I have always thought that there was too much pressure on guys for Vday. It’s ridiculous, and it’s imposed by jewelry stores and Hallmark – or more accurately, their marketing departments.

    DH and I are breaking with our “KFC and Daily Show” Valentine’s tradition in favor of something more romantic (exchanging anniversary presents) upon HIS suggestion, not mine. That, and we were too busy/lazy/procrastination-prone to actually get our shit together and exchange presents in December when our anniversary actually happened.

    I think maybe we are not the jewelry store’s or Hallmark’s target demographic.

  2. February 13, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Woman are coming closer and closer to be accepted as true equals to men in almost every aspect of life – the power hungry male has given room to the female to the point where we came pretty close to having a female president.

    The closer women come to true equality the more they tend to cling to shit like this as THEIRS.

    MY valentines day…
    MY wedding…
    MY baby shower…

    Do you suppose that is because women don’t want to lower their selves to being equal with us? Yes fine you can have equal pay for equal work but you now also have to know how change your own oil or get fucked at the mechanics like everyone else.

    My wife assumes, automatically, that just because I’m a man I can do anything she doesn’t want to do. When the plumbing needed worked on, she didn’t go down to the hardware store and ask the guy at the counter how to do the work properly. She didn’t look up info on the internet on the best way to lay solder. She, however, did flex her female muscle and looked for all the world like someone who couldn’t light a torch all by herself.

    Sorry, mini rant there…

  3. 3 funkyskull
    February 13, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    I’ll agree with you, Hammer, on much of this; however, I think no matter what, we get to say MY baby shower. As long as women have to go through pregnancy, labor, and delivery (and as long as men are exempt from attending), the shower belongs to the lady.

    I have a friend who refers to the time he spends alone with his children as “babysitting.” I don’t think he should get cake and baby bingo for that sort of attitude.

    Side note: Three – did you pepper this blog with “hilarious” intentional misspellings, or were they just random, uncharacteristic oversights?

  4. February 15, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Heidi – I think we still get to say “our baby shower” because, the man may not have to give birth and he may not have morning sickness… but there is no way you can say that what men do go through isn’t painful too. 🙂

  5. 5 funkyskull
    February 15, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    I’m cool with men saying “our” baby shower. If they *go* to the shower, play all the games, and ooh and aaah with everyone else 🙂

  6. 6 Sly Reference
    February 15, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    “how women’s “modern roles” v. “romantic roles” are two different worlds, and how it leaves men confused”

    See, here we have a logical fallacy. This assumes that all women are Women, some artificial fantasy that all of them share the same thoughts, concepts, fantasies and morality. It also assumes they _they_ are not confused by the multitude of “roles” or possibilities offered to them. Most women are just as confused about what they should expect out of themselves and their men as men are about them. Each individual has their own reactions to expectations, too, and not always positive.

    Then you have to take into account things like personal history, lessons learned and changing expectations over time. Of course it will blow your mind if you think about it. You’re trying to think about the group and the individual at the same time, and they are not the same.

  7. February 15, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    How about for VTines day hanging out at a jewelers for 90 minutes trying to beat up a salesman on a price? Fun stuff. Mrs. Fan decided around last October she was done wearing her wedding band, engagement ring and 10-year anniversary ring. She wanted to trade them all in and just wear one. What an experience. I recently upgrade my original band as well as the first one was tight and yellow gold. All of my watches are SS so I wanted Tungsten, Titanium or Platinum. Anyway….it took me about 45 minutes to get $350 dollars back. They are ALMOST as bad as car salesmen,

  8. 8 Kelly
    February 17, 2009 at 12:27 am

    So you know my man got me a headlight this year for Vday and I was ecstatic. All I wanted was to spend time with him and I got a gift that shows me he cares about me and my safety. I know you don’t believe me, but I had the best Vday of my life this year and it didnt come with a fancy forced romantic dinner or flowers that will die in a few days.

  9. 9 Sly Reference
    February 17, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    Well, then, be bitter about those women as individuals. Don’t extend it to all women, except for comic effect. I know that there are some women who just exist to cause headaches. There’s one in particular that I’d like to track down and kick in the head because that’s what it felt like to deal with her. She constantly undermined the relationship because her expectations were completely out of whack.

    But just because you see a pattern doesn’t mean you’ve discovered a rule. It just makes you fed up, and we’ve all been there.

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