I hate your fauxdog

Maybe this is a sign of my age.

Maybe this is a sign that I’m a stodgy, crusty bastard.

And maybe, just maybe, I’m a flat-out jackhole.

But every time I see pictures or hear people talking about their dog that happens to be a “Puggle” or a “Labradoodle” or a “Golden Doodle” like it’s a real breed of dog, I want to vomit. On the person talking. On the merchandise bearing its name. On anyone that I think is even thinking about buying said merchandise or dog. Move over, Mr. Creosote, I’m taking over.

You know what we called these dogs in my day? Mutts, Mixes or “Beats the fuck out of me.” And we were happy that way. The dog was happy that way, too. All the other dogs didn’t feel the need to pee on them as they walked by.

And you know, in my day, old ladies sat around making cookies and pies, knit afghans and yelled at neighborhood kids. They didn’t have time to sit around thinking “We should breed a beagle and a pug together and call it a puggle! How cute!” and then start excitedly clapping because it’s the first idea that they had that didn’t involve a new way to insert prunes into their diet.

No, in my day, some smart-assed guy who had a couple of beers would’ve bred the two and called it a Bug, a Beg or a Beap, and it would have worked for obvious reasons. And he would have grinned afterward because he knew it would be funny, and it was the first creative idea he’s had that didn’t involve his trashy sister-in-law, pizza, beer, small propellors and a $5 admission fee.

And I hate to say this, but the average fauxdog is pretty ugly. See, for every model-esque fauxdog (like, lets say, an especially fluffy, proud Golden Doodle *blaaaaaargh*), there are about 8 brothers and sisters that are one stage from wincingly ugly. There is no standard. When you say any one of these fauxdog names, you don’t get a picture in your mind of what it is, because it can be anything. It could very well be cute — but chances are it looks like it escaped from a circus sideshow.

I know all breeds basically started out this way, and it’s just a matter of time before there is a standard for these fauxdogs. But you know, when breeds were first being “made,” the owners gave them names we could all be proud of. Some were even named after towns and regions that they originated in. That’s pride, man, PRIDE. Does mixing in an “-oodle” to the end of a traditional breed elicit that same feeling? Let me answer that for you: NO. It does NOT. I mean, if some jackhole from the ‘burgh started breeding Pit Bulls and Poodles and started calling them Pittboodles, would we yinzers be clamoring for one? Would we feel as lovingly toward it as we do about the Steelers, Primanti’s and Iron City? No. Likely, someone would track down the guy and call him a jagoff, and then watch his trashy sister-in-law do her thing with the propellors after the pizza and beer.

Now, I’m not saying that these dogs are bad dogs. I love all kinds of dogs, and I would probably befriend or help any of these fauxdogs as I would any other dog that I would run across. But don’t expect me to call it by their fauxdog name — I’ll look you dead in the eye and call it a mutt or a mix or “Whatever the fuck kind of dog that is.”

Dogs are man’s best friend. They are unconditional love personified. They bring happiness, they will defend us, they work to please us. They deserve better than what they’re getting — especially the fauxdogs.

Boxers ... now theres a REAL dog ...

Boxers ... now there's a REAL dog ...


5 Responses to “I hate your fauxdog”

  1. 1 Sly Reference
    February 18, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Congratulations, you are in the Mike Meyer zone of complaining about obscure things. “Scots! Cable Access programs! 60’s British spy shows! Damn them all!!!!!!!”

  2. 2 Sly Reference
    February 18, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    I’ve never even heard of a puggle. I had to Google those names to have any idea what you were talking about.

    You, on the other hand, are on the cutting edge of investigative journalism, and know all the kinks in the neighborhood. You dirty old man, you.

  3. February 20, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    My dog is a mix of beagle and terrier. On occasion, we call him a beaglerrier, but most of the time we just call him retard.

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