Admiral Ackbar is my wingman

(*I’m apologizing right now for the sheer incoherentness of this entry. I’m trying to jumpstart my brain again)

Every now and then, I go on a marathon drinkfest. This usually happens about 3 times a year, and is usually at a house party or some gathering in which it is BYOB. And when these events do happen, invariably, whatever crazy thing is on someone’s mind, they will come up to me and share, regardless of who I am talking to, and what I’m talking about. Like if someone wants to talk about cowboys riding llamas bareback while wearing assless chaps, chances are they are going to find me and casually bring up the subject.

An example of this was at a Halloween gathering last year. I arrived late after work, and was just sipping on a beer, kinda easing into the night. That’s when a woman dressed as a little girl jumped in to the conversation I was having with someone else.

Baby: Boys piss me off anymore. I can never figure them out.

*Admiral Akbar: It’s a trap!

Me: Uh-huh.

Baby: *Going off about something*

Me: Uh-huh *Trying to quietly punch out, but I’m trapped in the corner and have people on each side, making escape impossible*

Baby: *very matter-of-fact, very sincerely and staring me directly in the face* You’re a guy. Why do all guys want to cum on my face?

Me: !!! *nearly choking on my beer*

Baby: *Stark realization* Oh God, I’m drunk, aren’t I?


Amphibian conscious.

Catfish conscious.

Now, you’ll notice that I put an asterisk by the “Admiral Ackbar,” because that needs a little explanation. You see, another thing that happens is someone invariably will engage me in the battle of the sexes talk, or why dating sucks, or some other conversation that I just know not to get involved in. After having gone through round after round of these talks, I understand that these are not so much wanting to understand anything as they are really just a way to bitch about the opposite sex. If I’m feeling particularly antagonistic, I’ll play along and take jabs at the person — but generally I try and stay out. And this is where Admiral Ackbar comes in to play.

Admiral Ackbar generally warns me about trap conversations — kinda like my early warning system, and he knows where the conversation will go long before my beer soaked brain is able to figure out anything. He’s a wise guy and trusted friend — and it’s good to have him on board. Figmently speaking, of course.

So back to reality.

Last night was Pittsburgh meetin.org’s 5th anniversary bash. And as with any event like that, there will be a lot of drinking involved. I really wasn’t feeling the urge to drink a lot, but there were some friends who I haven’t seen in a dog’s age there, so I opted to go. I brought a case of Straub, threw it in to the communal beer pile, and hey, let the shenanigans begin. My plan was to have a few beers, catch up with a few people and leave early.

That plan was shot to hell early on — it was a gorgeous night and everyone was wired. I didn’t make it home until 6a.m.

But 2 conversations that stand out  in my mind. One was the traditional “Why can’t I get a date?” and the other was, well, a bit different. Here’s the first one:

Dancing Girl: I can’t believe no one is hitting on me.

Admiral Ackbar: It’s a trap!

DG: I mean, what’s wrong with me that no one is asking me out?

AA: We’re not going to last long against those Star Destroyers

Me: I have no idea. I’m not the person to ask. I’m happy with the person I’m seeing.

DG: Well, assuming you were single, would you ask me out?

AA: We can’t repel craziness of that magnitude!

Me: *swigs beer*

AA: Engage at point blank range!

Me: I don’t know. Oh, by the way, nice rack!

DG: I DO have a fantastic rack! Thanks for noticing!

Me: *slams rest of nearly full beer* Oh, looks like I need another beer. I’ll catch you around. *exits*

AA: *falls into chair with relief*


The other conversation was with a friend who I haven’t seen since January. She became one of the “top cool chicks” on my mental list because she just flat out says stuff — she’s just a great Pittsburgh chick, and I mean that in a very complimentary way. We were catching up on things, and I brought up Cali (the California girl), and she was laughing, and said, “Yeah, you’re just waiting for the bomb to go off, aren’t you?” Turns out she’s kind of in the same spot with her beau, where things are “normal” and she’s waiting for the other foot to fall.

But then she decided to share a little bit of advice with me:

MsT: C’mere. You know how you can really hook this girl?

Me: Uh, okay … go ahead.

MsT: Choke her.

AA: Dude, you’re on your own here.

Me: What?

MsT: Just choke her a little bit. Nothing hard.

Me: I don’t know about that…

MsT: No, trust me. It’ll go one of two ways: She’ll either say “What the hell are you doing?” and you know to stop, or she’ll totally love it. And if she goes for it, don’t be afraid to smack her around a little.

AA: We can’t repel craziness of that magnitude!

Me: Yeah, I don’t … uh … think that …

MsT: No no, really! It’s awesome. I did it to my beau, but we were drunk and ended up leaving marks on his neck. Poor guy. I felt bad for him.

Me: So why is this a good idea?

MsT: Dude, trust me, it just is.

AA: May the force be with you.


5 Responses to “Admiral Ackbar is my wingman”

  1. March 8, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Face it Three, you can’t repel firepower of that magnitude!

  2. March 9, 2009 at 9:08 am

    Well this made my Monday.

  3. March 18, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    You know, the choking advice wasn’t that bad. But I like to save it for later in the relationship for when they stop listening…

  4. 4 dessertcook
    October 17, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Meetin sucks because they are a clique end of disucssion. they complain if they dotn like you and will work to get one person removed. You ahve to drink to fit in they are not tolerant of outsiders.

    • October 17, 2010 at 12:29 pm

      Well, that’s one opinion. This is an older post, and in truth, I haven’t really done anything with meetin for a while … but not because of any of the reasons you mentioned.

      Yes, there are cliques, like there are in any group of people. (I have yet to see a group of people where there were none.) However, the only times I saw people “removed” were folks who were kinda problematic in their behavior (constantly violating the rules, belligerent to others, etc.). Also, I knew several members who didn’t drink and regularly attended events. They also used to have a bunch of non-drinking events … has that changed? (Again, haven’t really been on the site in a while.)

      I’ve met plenty of good folks through that organization. I’m still friends with the vast majority of them. I still endorse the group. It’s a good way to meet people you wouldn’t normally meet, or try events you normally wouldn’t try. Some folks based their entire social life on the group. I preferred to use it as a supplement. To each his/her own.

      But like anything else in life, once you are there, your experience is usually dependent on you — know what I mean?

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