27
May
09

The news in brief

Man, I’ve had a million topics to write about in the past few weeks. Literally. But life has chosen to throw everything in the book at me, so here’s a quick run down of what’s on my mind.

Hell hath no wrath like that of a Pittsburgh fan scorned

Hell hath no wrath like that of a Pittsburgh fan scorned

The Pens vs. Cowher: The best thing about the Pens vs. Hurricanes playoff wasn’t the sweep. That was pretty sweet, but not nearly as entertaining as Pittsburgh fans raging about Bill Cowher cheering for the Hurricanes. I mean, everyone from the average guy on the street to radio “personality” Mark Madden have been bagging on him for “switching side.” I guess on Mark Madden’s show, he was calling Cowher “the most whipped man in the universe” for his move, claiming that the only reason he did it was because Cowher’s wife is from the Carolinas.

I find this uniquely funny for a couple of reasons. The first is the premise that Cowher is the first man in the universe that did something completely against every fiber of his being to keep his wife happy. Oh no, that NEVER happens. Ever. Nope, that’s not the plot of every other family-oriented sitcom episode. That same story hasn’t been told throughout the ages in history. Cowher was the first. Yup yup yup.

The second is that even if he wanted to cheer for the Hurricanes, he’s allowed. Yes, he has many, many ties to our city. Yes, he’s from Crafton. Yes, he coached the Steelers. Yes, he brought us a Super Bowl victory. But he retired and moved on. He’s allowed.

Dont tranq me, bro!

Don't tranq me, bro!

The Bear: A week or two ago, a bear visited the Mt. Vernon section of New Kensington.

According to wildlife officials, the bear was pretty young, and likely had just been chased off by his mom. He wandered into the neighborhood, and when he became afraid, he did what bears do — climbed up a tree.

For whatever reason, everytime I see this picture of the bear, I crack up. The only thing I can think about is the bear holding out his paws to wildlife officers, saying “DON’T TRANQ ME BRO! DON’T TRANQ ME!”

Arrrrrrrgh!

Arrrrrrrgh!

But, they don’t listen, and they tranq’d the little feller. (Well, “little” being a relative term … he was 155 lbs.)

Luckily, our friend wasn’t hurt in the fall, but Valley News Dispatch photographer Eric Felack got a great picture of the bear in mid fall, dart in the shoulder. Marlin Perkins, Jim and Mutual of Omaha would be proud.

The Bear was released in the state grounds in Cambria county.

I can now only imagine the bear’s mom crying to the media, “I TOLD him not to go near New Ken. See what happens? Won’t someone think of the cubs?”

Leave me alone, lady! Im only a kitten!

"Leave me alone, lady! I'm only a kitten!"

Swoggeriffic: Many of you don’t know the tale of Abbie Swogger, a former teacher’s aid at Highlands High School who joined the Teacher-Underage Club by being pleading guilty to sleeping with a 15 year old. Well, she just got sentenced to 3-6 years of jail time, 36 years of probation and life on the Megan’s Law list. She was busted because, as you can guess, cell phone pics of her naked with teens were being circulated. I think everyone in the AK Valley has seen it, and I’ve heard tales that it’s been sent around the world.

Now, again, I’m kinda laughing about this. When men get together and talk about these older women teachers (even though Abbie wasn’t one — she was just an aid) sleeping with teen boys, they all say the same thing: “Man, I wish they would have been around when I was a kid. I would have loved to have been scarred for life like that.”

And in retrospect, yeah, when you’re a teen and the hormones are flying, any port in a storm will suffice. I mean, back then, a woman who would show me her boobs was beyond hot — and if she would have slept with me, she would have been a goddess.

But now that I’m older and I look back at this, I can safely say that I’m happy my first sexual experiences weren’t with a woman who looked like her. I mean, yeeeeeesh. I’ll take fumbling in the dark with some chick my own age over her any day of the week. Not for nothing against older women, mind you … but wow, that’s some scary shit right there.

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