01
Jun
09

I hate these things: Cali version

In yesterday’s entry, I mentioned how I loathed the list of things Guys should ALWAYS do for girls. Period., which is a group on Facebook.

Well, I mentioned it to Cali, and mentioned my disdain for it. I mailed her a link … and here’s what I got back. (Please note, some answers will be edited because they are inside jokes.) Obviously, her reactions to the items are in bold.

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I figured that as a male, you might have a hard time understanding what they’re trying to say. So I translated some and offered critiques on others. Let me know if it makes more sense.

1. Open doors when possible – we’re lazy, do everything for us, mah!

2. When in a place of worship- yadda yadda yadda, you always come last in regards to women.

3. A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick, musical, opera, or ballet – whatever her preference is – *without* complaining about it!…Do as we say and no one will get hurt,…and we’re more likely to put out, especially if you bought us popcorn. Mr Pibb and Redvines= crazy delicious!

4. Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way). A brief list includes, but certainly isn’t limited, to: THESE ARE PUSSY SONGS AND YOU’D BE A PUSSY FOR PLAYING THEM. PLUS, I’VE NEVER HEARD OF THEM, SO PASS.
“You & Me” by Lifehouse
Anything by Frank Sinatra
Any rendition of “Everything I Do, I Do it for You” – Douche
“Collide” by Howie Day
“Out Of My League” by Steven Speaks
And MOST IMPORTANTLY “Question” by the Old 97’s (if you propose to a girl with this song, she is putty in your hands).
(“Putty in your hands” is not meant to promote “using women” in any way. This group does not encourage guys to be polite in order to get her into bed.) Oh, shut up, bitch!

5. Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast…but only about things we want to hear, otherwise, shut the hell up.

6. Find out what her favorite flower is and buy them for her randomly (regardless of the situation you might be in). A simple yet profound truth: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else. (I encourage the women to not allow a guy to “prove himself worthy” through gifts and flowers and such. Trust is a precious thing and it should take a good chunk of time before he gains it back in your heart.)…but she won’t hold it against him if he keeps buying her stuff. Plus, she’ll tend to look the other way and tell herself, he’s not screwing that other woman, he just bought me a rose, so he must only have eyes/penis for me.

7. If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again. But don’t be a pussy about it. And don’t tell her on the second date how much you can’t live without her…grow some! Yeah, and tell the guys at the bar how much you miss them, they’ll love that.

8. Re-enact Zales commercials (the ice is nice but certainly not mandatory). Fuck that, what they really mean to say is, you best have some big, shiny rocks in yo pocket.

9. Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually food.

10. Leave a note (or send a message) just to say “hi”. Ok this one is fine

11. Ask her questions about herself. Cuz Bitch, you don’t know her life.

12. Dress nice every once & a while. Any girl likes to see her brother/friend/boyfriend/etc. in a well-ironed button-up with some nice slacks. Unless you look like a tool in these things. Then she should just dump your ass, cuz she can’t take you anywhere.

13. PRIDE & PREJUDICE …that’s all I have to say about that (I mean, that should speak for itself). (It’s even more impressive if he has read the book.) Wait, what did I miss? I have no idea what they’re alluding to here.

14. Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They’re children, after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you. (You were once extremely irritating. Get over the obnoxious kids and enjoy getting down to their level – not “for her”, but for the good of yourself and others.) Unless they’re annoying brats, then do your part and remember to bring the condoms. Kids are the little blessings that remind us of birth control.

15. Learn to dance! There is nothing sexier than a man who can dance really well. If God did not bless you with the grace of Fred Astaire, at least put forth the effort, it will be greatly appreciated. Always slow dance (even if it’s just like you danced in middle school). Also, men, sing to a lady. Even if you’re terrible, suck it up! They love to listen to it and will not care what you sound like. It’s the thought that counts on this one. Unless you’re just downright terrible, nothing sexy about that. Haha, thanks, Jade! No, if you’re terrible, then just sit your ass down. And she’ll want you to just sit there, while she goes off and dances with some other guy. Oh, and don’t even think of talking, let alone looking in another girl’s direction, unless you want all kinds of crazy unleashed on your ass.

16. Kiss her on the forehead (in public). (in private) And her boobs and neck and back, etc. Her grandma kisses her on the forehead. Use that testosterone.

17. When she’s sick, stay up with her. If you can cook (which is *always* a plus), make her some soup. If you can’t cook, there’s Campbell’s soup at hand for you. Go ahead, kiss her like in “Hot Shots.”

18. Pretend to throw her in the pool (or fountain/pond). If you really do throw her in, you’d better jump in yourself. **NOTE** There are some women who just hate this apparently, so you had better do two things: 1) Never allow your buddies be a part of it if you’re unsure of how she feels about getting thrown in and 2) You had better know how she feels about it! You best not throw her in the pool, cuz that bitch will go state penn on your ass, especially if she’s black and she just done did her hair. Be prepared to get suplexed into that water, I don’t care how little she is.

19. Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it’s the small things that win you big points). Unless it gets sweaty.

20. LOOK IN HER EYES, NOT AT HER CHEST!!!!! But make sure you look at that chest and ass or that’ll cause havic if you ignore her best ass-ests.

21. Stupid jokes = awkwardly adorable moments. Come on now, everyone knows that the only jokes guys know how to make are stupid.

22. Tickle her, tease her, let her tease you back without getting all bent out of shape about it. Then when it gets out of hand and the smiles turn to pierced lips, don’t be surprised when you get steamrolled or a boot to the head.

23. Don’t call her hot, or pretty, or cute; call her beautiful, because that’s what she is. (I don’t think cute is that bad, but definitely stay away from “hot” [it’s so overused and superficial] and step “pretty” up to beautiful or gorgeous or stunning or captivating or…). Just kidding, call her hot

24. Offer her your jacket/sweatshirt. (Note: you may not see that particular item of clothing for a while, if ever again)…this way, she has something to give her next boyfriend when he sleeps over and didn’t bring extra clothes. She’ll just say it was her dad’s

25. Don’t be too proud to apologize. You’re always gonna be wrong. Accept it or get nagged at for the next 6 months or FOREVER.

26. It’s not stalking to watch her sleep if you fall asleep watching a movie. It is stalking to watch her sleep if you’re standing outside her window with night vision goggles. Just don’t do any freaky shit while she’s sleeping.

27. When she feels at her worst, tell her she looks her best. Afterall, we like it when you lie to us…haven’t you learned anything?

28. If you’re trying to get more than friendship out of the relationship, take it slow and never rush her. [inside joke]

29. Just because you’re a guy doesn’t mean you are completely incapable of calling when you say you will, it just means you are highly incapable of it. There are few acceptable answers to, “Why didn’t you call?”, & being male is not one of them. Don’t be a chump.

30. Don’t check out other girls in front of your female friends/sisters/mother, unless you are sincere when you later ask them if you think she could introduce the two of you for more reasons than you “want to get some”. But if she fucks, go for it.

31. Guys – always offer to pay for the date. No matter how expensive it gets, especially if YOU asked HER on the date. [if she is willing to pay now and again, don’t let your “man pride” get in the way of her wanting to give back to you. she should understand money can be tight – especially when you’re always buying] Heiffer’s must’ve wrote this one. Notice it says “no matter how expensive it gets”

32. Always do everything in your power to keep her as happy as you can. And cheer her up in any way possible. [if she isn’t always happy – and i’ve never met a girl who is – don’t be afraid of her and don’t be stupid and always, unquestioningly, blame it on PMS. be there WITH her when times are tough and she wants you there.] No, be afraid…be very afraid. Whether it’s PMS or not, you will ignite the devil in that bitch if you mention those 3 letters. Just offer food, food always works.

33. When walking on the sidewalk, always walk on the outside near traffic. (So everyone has a different opinion for how this started. For some, it’s because of the human waste that was getting thrown out the windows when this was happening a century ago. The woman walked under the overhangings extending from the buildings with the guy in the open to take the mess if need be. Others say it’s from the guy’s scabbard/sword being on his left with the woman walking on the right. As for today, it’s the traffic and puddles and what-not. Whatever it is. It’s just a courtesy thing, if it seems necessary.) Yeah, we want you to get hit by the car first.

34. At least do everything in your power to keep cursing to a minimum while around her. If you can, cut it out period while around her, or cut it out of your vocabulary. Women don’t want to hear it, guys don’t care about it, adults don’t want to hear it, it doesn’t impress employers, and you sure won’t want your children or someone else’s to hear it! Mothafucking shit, how many times do I have to tell you to keep your fucking mouth shit when the chilrins are present. That’s right, I said chilrins.

35. Sometimes you have to take the initiative. Don’t always wait for her to come to you, because if that’s how it always is, you’re going to lose her. In other words, don’t be a little bitch. If you want it, take it. See question 16 about using your testosterone.

36. If any lady is walking alone to her car in a dark parking lot/garage, or is carrying a heavy load, always offer to help walk her to her destination and carry things, if not the entire load. Yeah, but don’t be surprised if you get a boot to the head.

37. If a woman says no, she really means yes…unless she means no. And no, choking won’t change her mind.

38. Always be honest with her. No woman wants or likes a dishonest man. If you can’t be honest with her, she can’t trust you, and shows you don’t trust her enough to be honest. Trust, honesty and integrity are just as an integral part of a relationship and just as important as love. Yeah, we only like you to lie when it keeps the theme of our own perfection alive.

39. A man should always genuinely listen to women; no matter how bored or busy the man is. Actively listening to the woman will keep him from pain (and bring the man and woman closer together). This works best, of course, when both the man and the woman actively and equally engage in conversation (this includes listening). For the ladies reading this, please talk – always talk – especially if you are having problems with the relationship and to also avoid making bigger problems. Shut up, bring us food offerings and put out. Haven’t you learned anything from Animal Planet?

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