I hate these things

So, a couple of my Facebook friends joined a little group called, “There are some things guys should always do for girls. Period.” Apparently, these are “suggestions” (not rules, despite the “ALWAYS DO. PERIOD.” in the title) that some women feel that they are entitled to out of men.

And these friends thought that this list was pretty genius.

Now, I have a basic problems with these “suggestions that you better do” (I’ve seen them floating around more than once) — because they aren’t realistic and seem like they were written by 15-year-old girls. I mean, the first thing they emphasize is the fact that there are exceptions, that your particular girl may or may not enjoy these things, despite the ALWAYS DO. PERIOD. line in the title.

(And ladies, you wonder why guys are often confused about female logic … the title and the intro are a perfect example. “ALWAYS DO. PERIOD.” followed “EXCEPT.” GAAAAH.)


Like you aren't looking

I mean, things like “Stare into her eyes, not her chest.” Yeah, I’d love to. But you know, you’re wearing a low cut shirt designed to draw my attention to your boobs, and you have nice boobs, and your boobs are designed by Mother Nature to attract men … what the hell do you want? I’m a heterosexual man, I’m going to look (or stare), so get used to it.

Or I hate the “Cheer her up!” lines — cause look sister, I’m not a clown, and I’m not here to amuse you. The only person you should be relying on for your happiness is yourself. Period.

Now, let me condense this long, chick flick-esque list into maybe 5 things. Here’s my translations:


Brock isn't man...he's God.

1) Be a man: This means have direction, goals, ambition … and if you can’t do that, at least have a plan for the date. This means have a spine without being overbearing about it. Make her feel secure without punching people or showing her that you’re carrying a pistol. In essence, be happy and confident, and make no apologies for it. About half of the things listed are related to this category, or require you to just “be a man.”

2) Pay attention to her: This means notice when she gets her hair done. Compliment her on her outfits from time to time. Listen when she talks (and this means just LISTEN. Don’t try and solve her problems … cause you can’t). Respond to her calls and texts (it doesn’t have to be right away, but do get back to her when you can). A lot of women put a great deal of time and effort into their appearance … and a compliment is always welcomed.

3) Be honest: Look, there’s a lot of players on both sides of the fence out there. You can be straight forward and say, “I’m just looking for sex,” because chances are you’ll find a person who wants the same thing. So, know what you want and what you are looking for, and don’t waste your time trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

4) R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Give her the same respect that you give your best friend.


You is who you is

5) Don’t change yourself: If she likes a certain type of guy, don’t try to be that guy. Why? Because you’ll end up making yourself miserable, and that will invariably lead to resenting her. You know how cliche it is when people would always say, “Be yourself!” Well, it’s actually the best bit of advice out there. Think of the guy with a combover — he thinks he’s fooling everyone, but his combover is the first thing everyone notices. If you’re a dork, be a dork. Some women out there love dorky men, and will love you for your dorkiness.

Since I’m a “good for the goose/good for the gander” type of guy, I’m gonna offer my simple list for women about what they should/shouldn’t ALWAYS DO. PERIOD.


Nag nag nag

1) Don’t nag: Oh dear Lord, do men hate women who nag. You know that “Yes dear” line that’s always used in sitcoms and movies? The emotion underneath that mutter is either A) he’s trying to placate you without doing whatever it is your are going on about; or B) seething anger. Try asking, not telling. And if he does it, don’t complain about the job he did. If you do, the resentment that comes back is “If you don’t like it, do it your fucking self.”


Resist the urge, Queen of Clean.

2) Don’t become mom: If you go over to his house and start doing his dishes or laundry or other housekeeper duties, you will be locked into it for as long as you’re together. We can outlast your OCD and get you to do those chores if you show that you are weak in that regard. This also means don’t attempt to dress us. I once had a gf that I was considering moving in with. She said, “The first thing I’m going to do is go through your wardrobe and throw out what I don’t like.” I said, “Oh, that means I get to do that to your wardrobe too! SWEET.” She backed off rather quickly after that. But the bottom line here is that we aren’t giant Ken dolls. And lastly, if you do start falling into this category, you have to remember that most of us aren’t Oedipus … being mom isn’t sexy. At all.

3) Be independent: Know what you enjoy doing. Have your friends. You should want to be around your guy because you WANT to be around him, not because you NEED him to be around.

4) He ain’t Kreskin: If you know you like certain things (whether it’s flowers on occasion or a certain position in bed), TELL him. Don’t just expect him to know. And if you tell him and he’s not willing to fulfill that need (or compromise), move on and find someone else who will.


Uh huh. Great catch.

5) Be realistic: If loverboy is 36, smoking weed in the garage of your home while waiting for his band to catch their break (which is coming any day now, for the past 10 years), chances are nothing is ever going to change. Know a boy from a man, and know what you are looking for.


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