Land of the Ginormous Cats

Unbeknownst to most folks, I’m a big fan of the animals. I particularly love dogs — grew up with 2 pit bulls which my dad tried to use for pig hunting (they were more giant lap dogs) — but I’m also a fan of cats. So,  every now and then if we finish up work early, PPJ and I will cruise the animal shelter Web sites.

While PPJ tends to cruise the Pittsburgh ones, I opt for the ones further out. My feeling is that there will be more variety and interesting animals when you start hitting the boondocks. For example, Orphans of the Storm out in Kittanning has some absolutely ginormous cats.

And when I say ginormous, I do, in fact, mean GINORMOUS. I mean, even PPJ, who is basically a certified crazy cat lady who is deficient in her number of cats, had to step back and say, “Wow! What the hell is going on there?”

Is it possible to be too much cat?

CLAIRE: Giving new meaning to "Thunder Cat"

Now, we’re gonna take a look at some of these fine felines (and I’ll link the pic to the cat’s profile on Petfinder.com., cause, you know, I’m good like that).

First on the list is Claire.

Claire is a behemoth. Look at the size of those head and paws! Can you imagine Claire out chasing birds or butterflies in overly cute fashions? Neither can I. No, this is one cat that I imagine sitting around like Jabba the Hutt, occasionally grabbing frogs for snacks and staring out the window. This is just one absolutely huge sucker. You just know that if you adopted Claire, she would break the back of your couch if she jumped up on it. And God help you if you don’t have treats — she may just take a chunk of you instead. She does have some beautiful coloring though.

Im not heavy, Im a cat.

CHARLIE: Don't hate me because I'm a giant.

And then there is Charlie, who is Claire’s brother. Ideally, the shelter is hoping that you take home Charlie AND Claire, since apparently Charlie is shy. Or special. Like Mongo on “Blazing Saddles.”

Now, either the woman holding Chalie is elf sized, or that’s just one ginormous cat. I mean, with Claire, you could attribute half of the size to the fluff of the fur, but not Charlie. He’s just one big mofo.

No, srsly, WTF.

No, srsly, W-T-F.

Can you imagine the two running through your home, playing? They would be knocking over furniture, and need cattle to bat around. Clifford the Big Red Dog would seriously be all “WTF!” if he saw these two running around. But the sad part is that Clifford is fictitious. Charlie and Claire are very, very real.

MOLLY: Large and in charge

MOLLY: Large and in charge

Next on the list is Molly. Seriously, Kittanning residents, what the hell do you put in the water out there?

While she may only be listed as “medium” on Petfinder, make no bones about it, this cat is big. Do you know why the “no kids” tag is on her? Because she’ll eat them.

OK, really, she doesn’t look nearly as big as Claire or Charlie, but she still looks as though she could eat Chihuahuas and Jack Russells for snacks.

MAGGIE: Too much cat?

MAGGIE: Too much cat?

And that brings us to Maggie.

Maggie is Molly’s sister (oh, big shock there).

Now, when I first saw Maggie, I hurriedly called PPJ over since she loves fluffy cats. And Torties. And Calicos. Especially if they have big fluffy tails. Maggie seemed the perfect storm of things she loved in cats, and I was all, “She’s gonna run right out and adopt this one.”

When she came over, she just flat-out gasped at the site of Maggie.

And then she said something I thought I’d never hear.

“That’s just too much cat for me.”

Really? Is there such a thing as being “too much cat?” Well, I guess being a ginormous cat can have its disadvantages.

JEFFERY: Will meow for food.

JEFFERY: Where's mah vittles?

And then there’s Jeffrey.

Again, notice how big this cat is. The woman holding him looks to be different from the people holding the other cats, and unless everyone is elf-sized up that-away, this cat is clearly as long as this woman’s torso. And that’s not including Jeffies’ tail.

Technically, I’m surprised the woman can actually hold Jeffrey. What is he, like a 50 lb. cat? His fluffy tail alone must come in at 20 lbs.

I wonder if Kittanning gets an inordinate amount of gamma radiation. Or is it cosmic radiation? I don’t know, I’ll have to look it up in my sci-fi database about what kind of radiation does what to whom.

SCOTTY: One big honkin cat.

SCOTTY: One big honkin' cat.

Of course, I saved the best for last. Welcome our friend Scotty, who is indeed the Father of the Ginormous Cat World.

I mean, the handler is leaning back, because this cat’s girth is putting all kinds of strain on his back.

Actually, this photo reminds me of fishermen who land that BIG fish, and they hold up and it’s all floppy in their grip.

That’s feller’s paw is as big as small child’s hand. And if he decides to sleep on a kid’s face, that child is down for the count. Heck, if he lays on an adult’s chest, there’s no guarantee that that person won’t be crushed. This is one big honkin’ cat.

SCOTTY: Larger than life.

SCOTTY: Larger than life.

And if you’re thinking, “Oh, it’s just the camera angle — no cat is really that big” — check out this pic. Yeah, that cat’s head is up to a human’s knee. He could easily use your leg as a scratching post and there’s not a whole lot you could do about it.

But if there is a plus side to a giant cat —  I doubt he can jump too high, so put your valuables up high and they should be safe. Jeeepers, and I thought I had a gut!

So, it seems pretty clear that if you like your cats large, you better put on your radiation suit and head on up to Kittanning and visit the Orphans of the Storm shelter.

And residents of Kittanning, seriously, check that water or look for the radioactive mice, will ya? My tip: Search for them at night. They’ll be the glowing ones.


4 Responses to “Land of the Ginormous Cats”

  1. 1 Jenny Johnston
    June 17, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    This is some serious Nobel Prize-winning shit. I had to get up and walk away 3 times because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t read.

    Maggie is a disaster. Her foot is bigger than mine.

    Medium. Who are you foolin, Kittanning?

  2. 2 Ian
    June 18, 2009 at 10:13 am

    If you like cats, you should check out this link:


  3. June 18, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    I want them all!!!

  4. 4 Jae
    June 22, 2009 at 12:26 am

    Yep, my cat is about that size. We call him Speedbump because he can take up the whole hallway.

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