The Epic Fail of the dating world

I recently attended an event where I got to see an old friend of mine. As the drinks flowed and we got caught up on things (we hadn’t talked to each other since March, and our schedules tend to be very opposite), we dove into the personal life situation. And it was here that I heard the most epic fail dating story I’ve ever heard that I wasn’t a part of.

Apparently the Pirogi Queen (as I shall dub her), found out that the beau she was dating back in March was cheating on her, so she dumped his ass and moved on. PQ then turned to the Internet to try her luck, and met Senor Epic Fail.

I’m going to skip over a bunch of the courtship stuff, because it’s not nearly as entertaining. But basically, EF was the clingy, insecure guy. Like if she got some time off and he knew about it, he pretty much assumed that she wanted him over, and would be waiting when she pulled in from work. He did things like introduce his mom to her via the Web cam (which I’m assuming meant that he lived with her), and just about 100 other things that made me wince.

Well, PQ is a Pens fanatic, and had a gathering at her house during the playoffs to feast on wings and get silly while watching the game. I think she primarily wanted it as a bash for her friends, but he showed up regardless. Her best friend Russo (yet another fake name to protect the innocent) is a great guy known for his brutal honesty. She tells Russo that she’s going to pick up wings; Russo responds by telling her he’ll check out EF and determine whether he’s a tool or not.

The wing place is just mobbed. 30 minute wait for her order. So, like any good Pittsburgher, she buys some beer and heads to the parking lot. Turns out an old friend of hers pulls in, and they start chatting while drinking. I believe it was during this time that she gets a text from Russo saying “Toolbag.”

So, she grabs her order and heads home. EF is waiting in the door, asking “What took you so long? Game’s almost on!” while repeatedly looking at his watch. Immediately after that, her cellphone is going off with Russo’s texts: “Tool.” And I do mean multiple.

The game begins. They’re cheering, chowing, having a blast. Now, PQ and her friend got pics with Marc Andre Fleury, and so she printed out some and plastered them around the living room. Someone remarks upon them, calling Fleury her boyfriend. EF slams his fist on the table and says, “No, that’s MY job.” PQ is kinda stunned. Russo laughs and says, “Hey, good that you promoted yourself.”

Text messages: Tool. Tool. Tool.
Followed by: Dump this tool. Do it now.

PQ knows he has to go. But she’s kind enough to wait until after the game.

Game ends. She enters mom mode, and shoos everyone out the door so she can clean her house, which is trashed. As Russo leaves, he’s giving her the neck slash, telling her that there is no hope for EF. EF stays, and sits on the couch, and doesn’t offer to help as she cleans.

PQ finally finishes. EF looks at her and says, “Are you done now?”

She says, “Yeah, finally.”

Now, get this image into your head. EF sits splayed on the couch, legs far apart, arms across the back of the couch. Bending his hands at the wrists, he points to his crotch and says a line that will live in infamy:

“Are you ready for your reward?”

She’s just stunned. Absolutely stunned.

She simply grabs his stuff and goes to door and throws it outside.

“We’re done.”

EF walks to the door, a little mystified — and definitely dejected.

Once outside, he turns to her and says, “Are you sure? It’d be a shame to waste this,” as he points to his groin again.

“Good bye.”


5 Responses to “The Epic Fail of the dating world”

  1. 1 curt
    August 24, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Haaaaaaaa. I like that PQ actually listened to her friend. So many times that’s not the case and bullshit lingers way past due. Kudos PQ.

  2. 2 Barb
    August 25, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    OMG, this is f*cking hysterical considering I can figure out who PQ and Russo are … and curt, you can’t help but listen to Russo!

    seeing you out saturday reminded me that I needed to catch up on your blog writings … glad i still had that feed on my google reader!

  3. 3 curt
    August 25, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    Hey Barb. No worries, I have a feeling I know who Russo and PQ are.

  4. 4 Stick
    September 6, 2009 at 12:16 am

    It is guys like this that make me look so good! Thanks EF!

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