bad form

I’ve recently experienced a couple fouls that I really feel the need to address. Now, I know I’m absolutely the last person on the planet that should be distributing etiquette lessons, but you know, when something stuns ME, it has to be bad.

So, here we go.

  1. Deliciousness

    Beer foul: If someone brings a very small amount of what is obviously a microbrew to a party, you really ought not ask to “have one.” See, beer snobs tend to know other beer snobs, and when you buy expensive beer, you want to share it with people who will appreciate and enjoy it. So, I was recently at a party (well, 3, in fact, but this only happened at one) in which I brought 2 Dogfish Punkins (for me) and a 12 pack of swill for the community pile. This person (whom I had just met) came rushing up to me and asked “Can I have one?” This left me in a very awkward spot — on one hand, really, I never mind sharing a beer with someone who appreciates good beer, or educating someone who wants to learn. But on the other, I had only brought 2, and I wasn’t even remotely close to feeling a beer snob vibe from this person. I said “Uhhhhhh, sorry, those are for me. But if you’d like, I’d give you a sample of it.” So, I pour some out for the person.  The person sipped it, and promptly responded with a kinda grossed-out, really dejected look and said, “Oh. I thought it’d be more pumpkiny.” Really? REALLY?! Do you think I’d drink that Buffalo Bills “ultra-sweet, run through an ass filter, completely overboard pumpkin” crap? GAAAAH! Seriously, get a beer palate before you talk to me again. More pumpkiny my ass. Now I know why there’s the stereotype of French chefs getting pissed off when someone doesn’t enjoy their cooking.

  2. not a safe thing to do with your child, either

    Gym foul: I see this one all the time … people let their kids go jump and play on a piece of gym equipment. And we’re not talking teens or even 8 year olds. We’re talking kids that are having problems walking and can’t even articulate words yet. I watch as they follow their children as they walk over to a treadmill, big stupid smile on both of their faces. And then they put their kid on the treadmill. Invariably, they turn it on. What happens? BAM! Kid goes down, begins to wail. OK, let me break this down for those parents and grandparents who are a little on the retarded side: The gym IS NOT a playground for your child/grandchild.  Sure, the floor may be a little spongy side, but those hard steel bars and heavy plates hanging precariously on plate trees ARE NOT. And the squat rack isn’t like monkey bars, either. So knock it the hell off before your child gets hurt and you sue because the gym didn’t stop you from being an assclown. Yes, I’m happy that Little Precious is precious in her preciousness, but Little Precious is gonna get her precious little hands preciously crushed in some big mean old piece of gym equipment. And then she’ll be blaming you for her failure to achieve Prom Queen status because of her malformed lobster hands. Seriously, you don’t let your child run loose in factories or construction sites, where there is moving equipment and things that could hurt a kid … why would you let them loose in the gym? It’s the same damn thing.

I don’t know. I’m tired from work last night. Maybe it’s time to go back to bed.


7 Responses to “bad form”

  1. 1 Jenny Johnston
    November 4, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Punkin Ale is the Liquid of the gods. Bitch ain’t shit. Sorry, I’m still pissed from Election Night.

  2. 2 curtO.
    November 4, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Now, had you given those 12 delicious ounces to this person, and they turned up their nose and didn’t want anymore, what would you do?

    1. Take bottle back and be happy your bottle is now open and maybe a little backwashed, but you think the alcohol will kill any flu, bacteria, or nastiness.

    2. Throw the bottle away because you wanted to prove a point that they just ruined your night and maybe next time they should sample rather than hoard.

    3. Punch them squarely in the mouth and the proceed to ask, “How are your tastebuds now? Not punchy enough?”

    4. Other route.

    • November 4, 2009 at 1:15 pm

      Dude, if that person would have taken the entire bottle and turned the nose up at it, I would have been baby-punching angry. First off, it’s good stuff — my favorite beer of the fall — don’t go sitting there telling me it’s not good enough for you because it’s not some ultra-sweet flaming pile of dog poo. Secondly, as much as I’d hate to admit to it, I’d have to pitch it — because I wouldn’t want to infected with Beertard Syndrome.

  3. 4 jess
    November 4, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    so, i was privy to the pumpkin beer gaffe and was glad to hear that you were annoyed. i certainly was! wtf, she was so outta line! i didnt realize that she even took you up on tasting it. i hope you snatched it outta her hand when she made that nasty face!

    • November 4, 2009 at 1:28 pm

      Now that I think about it, there was that audible *gasp* when she did ask. That was probably you. LOL!

  4. 6 Funkyskull
    November 6, 2009 at 3:54 am

    On the gym thing…didn’t Mike Tyson’s daughter just die from an accident involving a treadmill? What other purpose is there in gawking at celebs if we don’t learn what NOT to do???

    And about the beer: I actually have a question about that. Recently, we were at a party with about 100 people – big party, little house. I knew exactly four of those people. Anyway, my partner in crime and I went to the grocery store (we can buy beer at the grocery store now!) beforehand and each selected a sixer. Neither were fancy, just the ones we felt like drinking that night. Long story short, I got to drink ONE of mine before they were all bogarted. Is it a party foul to then take one of someone else’s? I did, but then felt guilty. Is it wrong that I felt slightly salty about it? I just felt sort of like, well, if they wanted to drink Blue Moon, maybe they should have bought Blue Moon (and had the foresight to purchase and slice an orange…).

    • November 6, 2009 at 12:34 pm

      I’ll have to look up that Tyson thing…I pay very little attention to celebrity lives.

      To me, it’s a huge party foul to take someone else’s beer at a party, unless it is expressly offered or presented that there is a community beer pile. Let’s face it, if everyone could bring a 6 of Bud and end up drinking 3 better, more expensive beers and 3 Buds, where would the incentive be to bring the better, more expensive beers?

      I mean, I know others are all about the sharing. They are usually the ones who always order the expensive food at a group setting and then suggest that everyone split the check down the middle “because it all works out in the end” — even though they had the $20 steak and several pints of expensive beer while you had 10 wings and 2 Yuenglings. In my mind, no. I don’t (and won’t) do that. And I won’t feel guilty about it later on, either.

      This is an interesting topic … maybe I should devote a blog entry to it.

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