Snow doom

I theorize. A lot. Especially in the car when I’m stuck in Route 28 traffic. It keeps the urges from getting out and strangling the people in front of me at bay.

For example, I came up with one that states: The number of stickers on the back of a car is inversely proportional to the owner’s skill at driving. (Meaning, the more crap on the back of the car, the less able the driver is; meaning pass those mofos ASAP.)

Another theory that I have deals with snow predictions.

Now, we all know that any prediction of winter weather in Western PA, ie, it’s cold or it will snow, causes people to immediately run out to the store and buy TP, milk and bread like the apocalypse is about to hit. But there’s an also, lesser known phenomena that occurs:

Snow predictions induce panic, forcing people to hop in their cars and drive around aimlessly. This is completely independent of those going to stores, because they are just flooding the streets in those areas.

So, here is my theory: The greater the severity of any predicted storm, the greater the chance that the least skilled drivers will go out, panic and forget all rules of the road.

For example, last Friday there was a prediction of snow. I swear, it took me 30 minutes longer to get to work. On my way there, I saw cars trying to make 3-point turns (which usually ended up being 6-12 point turns) while blocking both lanes of traffic. I saw people in the left lane unable to drive faster than 35 mph despite the complete lack of snow. I saw people completely confused about the whole “How do I turn on to the 40th Street Bridge from Route 28?” I saw folks completely confused, in the middle of rush hour traffic, trying to do all kinds of shenanigans that I didn’t think was even possible.

And yet, I was wrong. It was a complete mess. And there wasn’t even any snow on the ground — the prediction alone caused these folks to run screaming into their cars and drive around aimlessly, still screaming, because the doom was going to get them all.

Tonight, we have a “severe weather warning” that apparently involves “dropping temperatures and snow” — or translated, “weather common in winter in Western Pennsylvania.”

Friends are already reporting the stores mobbed with people.

It’s only a matter of time before the least-abled drivers are worked up into a froth-inducing panic and take to the roads.

I’m sooo happy I don’t have anywhere I HAVE to be tonight ….

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