30
Jan
11

lessons learned

Today I decided to go on an epically bad movie watching binge. Usually when I do this, it’s a theme … like zombies, or vampires, or British … you get the idea.

Today’s theme was “Mega.” This came about after hearing some friends talk about how glorious SyFy’s “Mega Python” movie was (which I didn’t get to see, but it’s on my list). So, on the docket: “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus”, “Mega Piranha”, “Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus”, and lastly, “Sharktopus.”

And here’s some valuable lessons that I learned:

  1. Jump Jump: Prehistoric sharks have tremendous jumping ability. I mean, they are like the Evel Kenievel of the animal world. They jump navy ships with ease, and even jump up to eat commercial jets. Simply amazing for such an obviously heavy animal.
  2. Location, Location, Location: Giant monster animals travel via wormholes to anywhere on the planet. You can tell this because they can go from New Foundland to Tokyo in a matter of seconds. Actually, no one follows the laws of physics and locations … a ship goes down off Africa, guy washes up on shore in a Latin American country. Giant Croc attacks Miami, and then hits Orlando in a matter of minutes. Who knows how this all works?
  3. Beaches = Danger: If you are anywhere near the shoreline, anything could happen. Mega Piranha could fly out and eat you whole … tentacles from Sharktopus could drag you in to the water, a prehistoric croc could come out of nowhere and eat you. But luckily they tend to go after dudebros, bikini bimbos and dumb reporters, so the vast majority of us are safe. I’m sure the Jersey Shore is their prime hunting ground.
  4. Mad Ninja Skills: Monster creatures often sneak up on people. We’re talking you turn around, and BAM, 19,000 ton prehistoric croc is RIGHT. THERE. They can disappear from sonar and radar and satellite at will.
  5. Tactics: When going after killer fish, the best way to go about it is via helicopter.  And from there, machine guns and missiles. If for some reason that doesn’t work, use nukes. If the nukes don’t work, then obviously you have to send in the SEAL teams with the orders to “shoot for the eyes.”
  6. Take your best shot: Navy gunners have no idea of how to shoot at giant monsters. They often man WWII era anti-aircraft guns instead of going for newer, non-manually cranked, surface-targeting weapons.
  7. Science!: Biologists are often the same as chemists are the same as climatologists. And you know you are found success when the mixture starts to glow.
  8. Decisions: When it comes down to it, I think you have to take Debbie Gibson over Tiffany for your monster movie actress. But of course I think I’m basing my decision on the fact that Tiffany looks an awful lot like my dad’s third (now ex) wife. Plus Debbie puts out, Tiffany doesn’t.
  9. Wait, what?: Sometimes bullets don’t work at keeping a monster at bay, but poking it with a large, wet stick will.
  10. Money shot: Syfy will give you plenty of opportunities for senseless, gratuitous nudity, and yet won’t give you any. And that’s just a damned shame.
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