Serial Killer Cake


When it comes to birthdays, I will admit, I am usually “the suck.” It’s not that my intentions aren’t good, but birthdays are right up there with holidays in my book — just a big “Meh.”

Before you say it, I’m not a Scrooge. It’s just that after being in the newspaper industry for almost 20 years and having worked pretty much every birthday and holiday and missed a lot of significant events, it’s hard to get worked up about them — cause, well, I’ve grown used to not being a part of them.

Except this time, it was different. It’s not just me anymore.

My girlfriend’s birthday was upon me … and therefore, a celebration was in order. And thus began one of the funniest yet scariest kitchen adventures I’ve ever been a part of.

Bear in mind, I’m no baker. I’m a fairly good cook, but baking … I fail and fail a lot. Brownies? Fail. Cookies? Never had one come out right. Not ashamed to admit it — it’s just not my thing.

Now, my lady LOVES Hello Kitty, so I went out and bought a Hello Kitty baking tin. My goal was to make a vanilla cake with chocolate icing and fresh strawberries in the middle, and then use the chocolate and strawberries for the eyes, nose and bow.

The cake itself turned out OK.

But then the dilemma: Do I make a second layer, or just keep it one layer? After a few texts to a couple of friends, I opted to cut this layer in half.

Then it hit me: I had to cut Hello Kitty’s face off.

Now, I’ve watched a bazillion bad movies and probably half had someone’s face cut off in them.  But when it comes to actually doing the deed — even on an anthropomorphic cake — it felt a little weird.

Halfway through slicing, I was interrupted by a little girl selling candy bars for her science class. I’m a sucker for science, so I returned $2 poorer and began eating the candy bar as I proceeded to slice Hello Kitty’s head in half.

Soon, the deed was done:

Those eyes will haunt me in my sleep forever.

Then came the chocolate layer, and a layer of strawberries. Notice the number of knives increasing.


Now, you’d think that the blended strawberries were bad … I was laughing, thinking “What the hell have I done!” But NO! IT GETS WORSE!

Next came actual strawberries, which I had sliced. They took on a vaguely muscle-tone appearance when put in the confines of a Hello Kitty skull.

Now it was time to put the face back on it. By this time, I knew my imagination had gone too far — I felt like Leatherface — and I couldn’t stop laughing.

The “bloody” cutting board and wet knife…

Next came the finale: actually decorating Hello Kitty’s face. This proved to be much more difficult than I imagined. It rapidly became clear that cake decorators have nothing to fear from me. But, I put down a chocolate icing base for the bow, and then filled the eyes in with icing, and added a sliced strawberry for the nose. The result?

And there she was in all her glory: The second cake I have ever made, and the first that I’ve tried to decorate. She came out looking fairly scary, but her tastiness could not be denied — so I was sorta “proud” of what I had done.

The final result? I made my lady close her eyes and sang happy birthday to her. When she opened them and looked down and saw the cake, she grinned from ear to ear … and as she giggled in amusement, she kissed me.

I will call the cake a success.


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