Archive for the 'Amused' Category

06
Jul
13

Furries!

Anthrocon 2013. Every year I like to pay a visit to the returning Furries, and again, I wasn’t disappointed.

I don’t claim I understand what the whole thing is about … but the costumes are great, the furries are friendly, and as 2 new friends I made at this year’s anthrocon said, “We’re firefighters … we see death all the time. So, you know, do what makes you happy.”

The visiting furries make me happy. I hope they keep coming back to Pittsburgh…

Here’s a small sample of pics I took with my phone …

   

   

   

  

   

   

But … yeah … you get the idea. Hope these guys come back to Pittsburgh for 2014! So much fun!

 

 

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14
Apr
13

Serial Killer Cake

KISS THE BAKER!

When it comes to birthdays, I will admit, I am usually “the suck.” It’s not that my intentions aren’t good, but birthdays are right up there with holidays in my book — just a big “Meh.”

Before you say it, I’m not a Scrooge. It’s just that after being in the newspaper industry for almost 20 years and having worked pretty much every birthday and holiday and missed a lot of significant events, it’s hard to get worked up about them — cause, well, I’ve grown used to not being a part of them.

Except this time, it was different. It’s not just me anymore.

My girlfriend’s birthday was upon me … and therefore, a celebration was in order. And thus began one of the funniest yet scariest kitchen adventures I’ve ever been a part of.

Bear in mind, I’m no baker. I’m a fairly good cook, but baking … I fail and fail a lot. Brownies? Fail. Cookies? Never had one come out right. Not ashamed to admit it — it’s just not my thing.

Now, my lady LOVES Hello Kitty, so I went out and bought a Hello Kitty baking tin. My goal was to make a vanilla cake with chocolate icing and fresh strawberries in the middle, and then use the chocolate and strawberries for the eyes, nose and bow.

The cake itself turned out OK.

But then the dilemma: Do I make a second layer, or just keep it one layer? After a few texts to a couple of friends, I opted to cut this layer in half.

Then it hit me: I had to cut Hello Kitty’s face off.

Now, I’ve watched a bazillion bad movies and probably half had someone’s face cut off in them.  But when it comes to actually doing the deed — even on an anthropomorphic cake — it felt a little weird.

Halfway through slicing, I was interrupted by a little girl selling candy bars for her science class. I’m a sucker for science, so I returned $2 poorer and began eating the candy bar as I proceeded to slice Hello Kitty’s head in half.

Soon, the deed was done:

Those eyes will haunt me in my sleep forever.

Then came the chocolate layer, and a layer of strawberries. Notice the number of knives increasing.

  

Now, you’d think that the blended strawberries were bad … I was laughing, thinking “What the hell have I done!” But NO! IT GETS WORSE!

Next came actual strawberries, which I had sliced. They took on a vaguely muscle-tone appearance when put in the confines of a Hello Kitty skull.

Now it was time to put the face back on it. By this time, I knew my imagination had gone too far — I felt like Leatherface — and I couldn’t stop laughing.

The “bloody” cutting board and wet knife…

Next came the finale: actually decorating Hello Kitty’s face. This proved to be much more difficult than I imagined. It rapidly became clear that cake decorators have nothing to fear from me. But, I put down a chocolate icing base for the bow, and then filled the eyes in with icing, and added a sliced strawberry for the nose. The result?

And there she was in all her glory: The second cake I have ever made, and the first that I’ve tried to decorate. She came out looking fairly scary, but her tastiness could not be denied — so I was sorta “proud” of what I had done.

The final result? I made my lady close her eyes and sang happy birthday to her. When she opened them and looked down and saw the cake, she grinned from ear to ear … and as she giggled in amusement, she kissed me.

I will call the cake a success.

09
Jul
12

Pete Moss

Sometimes, I take jokes a bit too far.

I’m not talking like I drove someone to suicide or anything, but I’m known to push a joke until it is dead, and then still try to make it work days later.

Take the Pete Moss joke that I’m going to club you like a baby seal with.

The other day, a friend was talking to me about doing some gardening with peat moss and Japanese beetle lure, and how she was going to end up a giant ball of sweat by the end of the day. This immediately made me think of a porn title, with me saying “‘[Insert name] Like it Hot and Dirty’, starring [name], Pete Moss and Beetle Lure.”

This produced lots of laughs, things were fun.

Then I broke out the meme generator. Some of you will remember this and the motivational poster generator as being 2 of my favorite apps for my phone. And you know what? They still are.

Out came the meme porn collection. All gardening/sex innuendo, all the time. Throughout the night, I giggled stupidly as I came up with more and more stuff and shot her texts with them in it. I thought we were finally done, but then I got a text that said, “I HAD PEAT MOSS IN MY EAR.”

I lost it. Well, lost it laughing, that is.

“The hazards of being in the porn business. (Pete Moss … hahahahhahaha)”

And so the legend of Pete Moss as a porn star was born.

Shortly after this exchange, she went to bed. But since I was still working, I knew this wasn’t the last of Pete Moss.

So this morning, the Pete Moss porn title memes burst out of my chest like an Alien out of a host body. And for no really good reason, I figured I’d share them:

Kind of a fail. This one didn’t get sent because I didn’t like it.

She said, “Pete Moss needs to be greasier and dirtier.”

I felt this one was greasier and dirtier enough. Got laughs, but not quite there.

I don’t even get this one, but it made me laugh stupidly.

The winner.

In hindsight, these are all likely far more funny to she and I than to anyone else. But who knows, maybe someone out there will dig it.

26
Apr
12

Sheepstrology

If there is one thing I absolutely loathe on Twitter, it’s people “retweeting” (aka as an “RT”) tweets referring to their zodiac sign … from daily predictions to personality traits. I don’t know what this is supposed to accomplish — I mean, I like astrology, I think it’s fun — but this shit drives me insane.

I know what set me off this time … it was a friend RTing a “Sexstrology” tweet. Here it is:

“Can change their voice and appearance very easily.” Like talk lower and put on a fake mustache? Like dye their hair and talk like Mickey Mouse? LIKE CHANGE THEIR CLOTHES OR WEAR A CAPE OR PUT ON GLASSES? Who COULDN’T do any of these with relative ease?

I just couldn’t let this one go.

It started off innocently enough …

… and then, of course, it snowballed.

So, here’s your official Sheepstrology. They’re not really in any order, and are broken up to avoid responses and tweets that weren’t Sheepstrology. And again, read from the bottom to the top of each section, cause that’s how the timeline order goes.

Round 2:

Round 3:

Round 5:

Round 6:

And lastly, as always:

(And yes, I realize I’m the world’s laziest blogger by posting these … but after the Ask Romney post, I have people asking me to do it. Maybe this will require a new category … )

12
Apr
12

Ask Romney

Sometimes, I don’t know what gets into me.

It started off innocently enough. I saw people tweeting with the #AskRomney hashtag on the Twitters and decided to ask one or two of my own. Chance had asked a question and referenced “Mad Max III: Beyond Thunderdome”, so naturally I had to jump in. (Now, if you’re not used to Twitter, the first comment is actually at the bottom, because it’s a timeline, and I’m entirely too lazy to try and crop the images and arrange them in chronological order.)

Then after that, I don’t know what happened. The questions just started flowing. I was fixing a computer, and the oddest thoughts just started pouring out.

This section, you’ll probably want to read from the bottom up.

And so it went.

 

And so on …

And lastly …

Sadly, they would have kept going had we not experienced a rash of server issues that distracted me and totally ruined my mojo. Stupid work.

I’m taking this as a sign that my creativity needs an outlet. Maybe I’ll get back to writing more than once per bazillion years.

(And again, thanks to all the people who tweeted at me that they were laughing really hard about my questions … that totally fueled me. Appreciate it!)

26
Dec
11

Unikornz

A lot of people probably don’t know this — but I do, in fact, like to help out my fellow human beings when I get a chance.

So, when a friend of mine told me she needed a new computer, I offered to build her one.

Now, I enjoy doing things like this, mainly because I frickin’ hate the retail computers. They just load them up with crap software, and Lord knows I hate crap software. I mean, you already have enough that comes with your operating system (assuming you’re not going with some Linux build) … you don’t need more that essentially does what your machine already has software to do. If you want something different, you can add it on later. But the programs they put on these things … they are maddening, useless, and really, most people don’t even want all that extra shit on their machines anyhow.

She gave me a budget, and I worked with what we had. I would inform her about sales from NewEgg, and she would buy the pieces as she could. In the end, I put together a spiffy little i5 with 8g of RAM and a 1T drive. Loaded MS Office Pro (her request) on to it, some solid (free and good) antivirus programs, and bam, she was good to go.

What she didn’t expect was the desktop that I chose for her.

The DM I got from her on Twitter simply stated: “Thank you very much for the desktop. I fucking love unicorns.”

OK, so maybe I’m not the nicest guy in the world after all.

I can accept that.

I am, however, still laughing.

25
Dec
11

So proud

If there’s one thing in this world I know I can count on, it’s my family’s oddness. Now, this doesn’t manifest itself in any kind of dire ways, like random fires or drastic, angry arguments. But, let’s just say that when I get bored, I get creative, and the next thing you know, the rest of the family has followed suit.

This year’s shenanigans started with some toy my nephew got that involves a giant ship and a shark whose mouth opens when you press his dorsal fin. My oldest nephew and sister started helping him put it together, and as always, interest lasted about 10 minutes before he was bored and doing something else.

That meant is was time for the adults to play.

As I was getting the first shot, my nephew saw that I was up to no good. He looked over and said, “Hey, are you taking pictures of the shark?”

“Uhhhh, maybe.” *click* “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

So, after the picture was shared and laughs went around, my sister got a look in her eye, and more pictures were taken…

The oldest nephew was a little bit horrified at watching his mom and I revert to being kids again. But he was also horrified that the shark mauled the tuba player, as he plays sax for Pitt’s marching band. My sister’s comment: “Oh relax — the saxophone player lived.”

The next thing you know, Nephew No. 1 had the shark and had it eating the Virgin Mary in the stable. My mom disapproved, so it ended up on top of an angel.

Then, to my surprise, Nephew No. 4 got into the act. He wasn’t as creative in his use of the shark, but he’s young … he has potential.

Then, as the night went on and the youngest 2 nephews started battling over toys, I was left alone with the shark. Since Nephew No. 4 kept getting a little whiney and saying “NO!”, I had the shark also say “No” in accordance to the conversation. Of course, I was using the voice of the Emperor from the scene where Mace Windu was about to kill him, and then he zaps the shit out of Mace and wins the day. The voice and the shark went together surprisingly well.

Eventually, I went full-blown weird, and told my sister that the shark wanted to eat the Messiah, because he heard that the Savior was tender and mild.

In the end, dinner was good, there was a lot of laughing and only mild blaspheming … so that’s probably as close to the true meaning of Christmas that my family will ever reach.

So, Merry Christmas to you and yours. And my friendly advice: Try to avoid the hot and spicy Messiah. Just sayin’.




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