Archive for the 'Rude and Crude' Category


Just venting

So, today I was greeted by yet another installment of “processed food is gross” videos and pictures on Facebook. Months ago, I had to endure all the McRib bashing the videos on how gross McRibs are and how they’re made from the worst parts of the pig (which is basically the same shit that hipster tacos are made from, but the tacos are exotic!). And you know, I was content to let it slide, because hey, whatever. But now, now we’re on to the something else. Here’s the pic in question:

If you don’t know already, this is what McNuggets look like before they are actually made. In the description, the original poster writes about how many chemicals are added, the process in which this is created, and blah blah blah. In the comment field are the normal “I’M NEVER EATING THAT AGAIN! SO GROSS!” and “OMG, SO NASTY.”

Of course, this “NEVER EATING THAT AGAIN!” only lasts until it’s inconvenient to eat elsewhere, and then they’re back in line, getting that 20-piece of McNuggets because it’s on sale for $5 and the picture of Nugget goo has mysteriously faded from the person’s mind.

Look, I just don’t get the flat-out shock about stuff like this. Has anyone ever seen a McNugget in the wild? No. If you check out the butcher’s pic of a chicken, do you see an area labeled “Nuggets”? No. Then it’s safe to assume that it is made in a factory. And since it’s made in a factory, it’s safe to assume that it is doused with chemicals that have been deemed safe for consumption. Where’s the shock?

I mean, really, who has ever eaten a Swanson’s TV dinner and thought the veal was real? Or who the fuck has picked a goddam Crunchberry in the wild? Your Fruit Roll ups? Yeah, doubt that it was ever “real fruit.” That diet Coke you just had? Those Doritos? How about that popcorn? And yes, I think it’s safe to assume that most of us know that this chemically doused/manufactured food isn’t good for us. So again, how is this even news to anyone? Spend a few seconds thinking about this, and it’s pretty obvious that all of your food is probably not all it’s cracked up to be.

If you’re really *that* concerned about what you’re eating, here’s what I recommend that you do: Grow your own food. Period. Because even you folks that buy organic probably wouldn’t be too pleased if you saw how it was handled, and what is allowed to happen to it en route to the store where you buy it from.

In the meantime, please, just stop this nonsense. This shit is just food propaganda — “You should be a vegetarian because how these other foods are made is just gross!” Last time I checked, people are allowed to choose what they want to eat, when, and how much. And before you start, yes, I do know our country does have an obesity problem. But I’d much rather have too much food readily available than not enough any day of the week. Secondly, no one is forcing you to eat it. You know why processed food like this is popular? It’s easy and tastes good. Period. If it tasted like crap, very few people would eat it.

Now, if I only I could get a picture of a migrant worker picking his ass before he picks some organic produce to paste on Facebook …


See what I mean?

There’s a lot that I’ve wanted to blog about recently, but just haven’t had the time. So, instead of trying to expound on all of them (cause I likely won’t have the time to do that either), here’s little snippets of my thinking on a couple of different topics:

  • Football: Apparently, the NFL has admitted that some penalties called against the Steelers in the Pittsburgh-Cincy game were incorrect. Regardless of the bad calls, the Steelers still managed to win. See, this is what I was talking about in my “…it’s how you whine after the game” blog entry. Forget all the conspiracy talk or the “NFL likes the Steelers” bullshit … sometime bad calls go in your team’s favor, sometimes they don’t. The bottom line: Winning teams find ways to win, regardless of the officials.
  • More football: About the upcoming Steelers-Pats game — I’m very curious about it. Admittedly, the Pats have had our number for the past several years, and are one of my favorite teams to hate — but only because, like the Steelers, they are consistently good. But I’m wondering — did they have the Steelers number or just Coach Cowher’s? I guess we’ll find out on Sunday night.
  • HATE: There are few people in this world I can say that I hate. Osama bin Laden, sure, but that’s justified. But Rick Santorum? I don’t know what it is about him, but his mere name produces outright rage in me. Even when I saw this defaced billboard, I laughed, and then I wanted to punch him. I think it’s his smugness — his abject “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude. I think the turning point from loathing to hatred occurred when the whole thing went down over where he actually lived. He sat there, straight faced, and said that he lived in that small home in Penn Hills, regardless of that mansion that he owned in Virginia. I mean, it was so “OH, COME THE FUCK ON” unbelievable in my mind … I was stunned that he actually said it. Granted, he didn’t actually break any of Pennsylvania’s laws (that I can recall) — but he sure as hell bent them to fit his ways. Then, the whole stance on homosexuality (essentially calling them child molesters) and supporting efforts to have science classes teach Intelligent Design (essentially Creationism) in schools just threw it all over the top. I still hate that guy. Want to see me go into a tizzy? Start talking about why his wanting to run for President of the US is a good thing. Swear to God, I will freak the fuck out.
  • Shift?: A lot has been said about another guy that lost in recent election … Dan Onorato. There’s been a bit of speculation about not only why he lost to another dirty politician like Tom Corbett — but why he lost in his home strongholds where Democrats hold something like a 2-1 advantage over Republicans. Heck, even in my voting area, unknown GOP candidates upset the Democrats. Some are blaming the frustration with the Obama administration … but could it be that something else has happened? Like maybe the “Big Union” lock on Western PA has weakened? I’ve always said that Western PA is only democratic because of the unions … take them out of the picture, and you’ll see a lot of conservative thinking (for better or worse). Or, there’s another phenomena happening … a lot of younger people who lived elsewhere moved back (either for cost of living reasons, to take care of aging parents, or other economic factors), and they want change from what they regard as some of the worst of PA’s laws (like the liquor laws, for example). Regardless of the actual reason, I think PA’s politics are going to be very interesting over the next few years.
  • Netflix streaming: A few years ago, my buddy Greg convinced me to buy a PS3. And in the back of my head, there have been times where I’ve questioned that call. I mean, I don’t play that many games on it. The Blu-Ray player is nice, but I’m not switching over my DVD collection to Blu-Ray. And the network/media server aspect of it was supremely cool, but I still had to do an awful lot of downloading and have a lot of hard drive space to watch what I wanted to watch. But then Sony upgraded it’s system for Netflix streaming and I signed up, and now I’m just a complete addict. It’s so bad that I’m considering getting a Blu Ray player with WiFi for the bedroom so I can fall asleep while watching Netflix in my bedroom instead of on the couch. If you have the capability to stream movies from Netflix and haven’t, I advise you to do so. You won’t regret it.

A different kind of Proactive solution

I recently saw a commercial from the fine folks at Proactive. You know, the company that makes those face creams that not only clear up any acne that one may have, but also manages to give women orgasms when they speak about it. (“Oh my God, I just LOVE the green tea moisturi – i – i – i – ZEEEEER!)

Well, apparently there was a new commercial out with some bimbette star (Julianne Hough — I had to look it up) hawking the product. In it, she says something to the effect of “how special celebrations can be ruined by having your face break out.” And they zoom in on her face, and she has a couple zits that are visible ONLY because the camera zooms in on them.

His big day was spoiled by acne.

You know, I’m sure that when Charles K. Kao took half of the Nobel Prize in Physics in 2009 for his groundbreaking achievements concerning the transmission of light in fibers for optical communication, the day was ruined for him because he had a couple of zits. In fact, I heard that behind the scenes, Willard S. Boyle and George E. Smith (who won the other half of the prize for the invention of an imaging semiconductor circuit – the CCD sensor) remarked that they couldn’t believe that he was even out in public, let alone to take the stage with them to receive such a distinguished award. They were, “like, totally embarrassed to be seen with him,” according to sources.

Thanks to Proactive Solution, I no longer feel like a freak!

The commercial then goes on to show all of these people whose lives are infinitely better because they don’t have any more of those “bumps” (they’re so ashamed that they can’t even say “pimple” or “zit”) on their faces anymore. They even have a guy saying, “Man, it’s so great not having to worry about my skin anymore!” Because, you know, whenever you get a blemish of any kind, you should fret, hide out in your basement and continue to scrub until you take several layers of your face off. Then and ONLY then should you be allowed back into society, and you can live your life freely and be able to fully enjoy things like a Hollywood Award Ceremony or a cup of coffee without everyone staring at your ghastly face.

For me, I guess what this all boils down to is this: Oh, your life is so bad because you have a couple of zits. Boo-fucking-hoo. Just suck it up and deal with it. Things could be a hell of a lot worse. I can just see these spokespeople if they were Haitian, screaming “Send food, water and Proactive Solution! This earthquake devastated our homes and made me completely break out! I’m so embarrassed! FML! How awful would it be to die with bad skin? I can’t meet the Messiah and God in all their glory if I have a zit!!”

Yeah, my Proactive Solution is this: Every time I hear one of these asshats complain about their skin, I’m going to imagine a Haitian walking into the commercial and punching them in the face.

No one wants to have to deal with acne, but seriously, a few zits are not the end of the damned world, for fuck’s sake.


Starting my Nixon list

I’ve decided that Nixon may have been on to something with his whole “enemies list” thing. And maybe … just maybe … I ought to keep one, too.

Right now, the first enemy that I’m adding is “The River’s Casino.”

Oh, I hates you.

Oh, I hates you.

This has nothing to do with the gambling aspect. I’m all for legalized gambling, and taxing the crap out of it. I mean, it’s been said that slots are nothing but a tax on the stupid, and with the abundance of stupid people out there, that’s a lot of dinero.

I iz gonna be a winnerz!

I iz a winnerz, but still can't drivez goodly!

But my main beef with the casino is the fact that those very same stupid people are out there, sharing my roads. In fact, as I left work tonight, I almost got the “T” treatment as someone just had to just blow through a red light to get there.

Oh, and here’s another example … one day I saw a little old lady in late ’80s caddy (complete with rusting roof and trunk) cruising down Route 28. Now, this wasn’t too bad, until you consider the fact that her left tire was on the yellow line or to the left of it (essentially driving partially on the shoulder), and she couldn’t go faster than 40 mph. And that doesn’t sound too terrible, except for the fact that 28 essentially is one lane in spots, and it’s obvious that granny should have had someone drive her down so she could get her fix.

Then there are the people who just get confused and stop … that’s right, just stop … to ask people for directions after you get off of 28 and are nearing the stadiums.

Route 28 is a bear to begin with, with the never ending construction and piss poor planning that went into it. But add these people to the mix, and it becomes a nightmare. Originally, I thought that the worst of drivers would be the Kenny Chesney fans, who soap up their windows to announce that they are going to a concert. But no! The slots mouthbreathers are, by far, the worst. Put 2 of them side by side, and they’ll have you pulling your hair out as they wrangle for the “Most stupid” title and jam up the road for no real reason.

So, Rivers Casino and your clientele, welcome to my list.


Porn wording

I like porn. But not in the same sense that most people do.

See, for me, porn is sheer entertainment … and I don’t even watch the videos.

At first, my searches were for some of the more bizarre stuff — because it used to crack me up what people would do for money. And then there are the artists out there that made cartoon porn from popular cartoon characters. But now, now I’ve stumbled across a whole new medium — the foreign pornographer.

What makes the FP special is the fact that his english is good enough to be understood, but it isn’t fine-tuned. Throw in the fact that he’s trying to describe some kind of outlandish fantasies, and you have a recipe for hilarity.

Here’s some of my favorites:

mummy wait for you in shower

mummy wait for you in bath!

  1. Scared mom runaway from her husband alcoholic: I like this one, just cause it’s not even a sentence.
  2. Now I know why mummy waited for me in front of bath: Now, when I think of a mummy, I think of the classic monster. So, this particular description evokes the image of porn music, the young man walking into the steamy bathroom, and then a mummy slowly turning and saying “AAAAAaaaarh!” Wet mummy … now there’s a smell!
  3. My wife and I hired a new maid. Sounds more like something you’d see on Twitter than a porn description, but hey, whatev.
  4. Japanese business woman entered wrong bus: And then she was late for her meeting!
  5. Drunk aunt forced young dude on some crazy things. I immediately got visions of Vlad the Impaler. And the young dude was forced on to some crazy things, like star fish and nerf footballs.

    bow chicka bow wow

    bow chicka bow wow

  6. I never sow grow man cock in my life, mister! Well, that’s cause the seeds are in it, sister! And I’m sure she’s grown plenty of female cock — aka hens.
  7. Gipsy woman rents her sons to local village virgins. Men being paid for sex. Ha! And I like the term “rent” instead of  “prostitutes” or “pimps.” LOL, get busted with a hooker, and use that in your defense — “I was just renting out her vagina. It was a short term lease.”
  8. I was drunk resting … when his mom came in! “Drunk resting.” Isn’t this the same as “passed out”? And if your friend’s mom finds you passed out, that’s just embarassing.
  9. Drunk mummy tried to escape, but I was stronger. This one has so many possibilities. Mummies aren’t known for their coordination, so a drunken mummy must walk slowly into door frames and such. Of course, I don’t know why mummies are drinking booze in the first place — no internal organs to process it.
  10. Hurry up daddy, your son will be home any minute. Uh, doesn’t that make him your brother? EWWWWWW.
  11. You should always close bathroom door. That’s pretty sound advice, porn or not.
  12. Doctor are you sure this is what you should be doing? Most people who use HMOs are thinking the exact same thing.

    Everyone likes a little ass

    Everyone likes a little ass

  13. GF mom find drunk dude like ass infront of door. So, the dude is being a drunken ass? Is drunk like a donkey? Likes donkeys? I’m just completely confused here.
  14. Feeling the taste of sleeping aunts pussy. I just don’t even know where to begin with this one. It’s just wrong on about 15 different levels. First we have the incorrect sensory combination, and do I really want to know what he’s doing to the sleeping aunt’s cat?
  15. I fucked my wife’s cousin while unconscious. You sir, are a marvel. I’ve had sex while I was blacked out before, but never while unconscious.

They're even better when you're dead

An interesting story came across the wire tonight — one that involved a guy who died after playing World of Warcraft.

Now, I’m a geek and play the game. I’ve played on and off since it was released and Star Wars Galaxies went down the shitter (which is a shame, cause I enjoyed that game). But Warcraft has been fun — I’ve chatted with a lot of interesting folks. But none have actually died … that I know of.

Well, apparently in this story, his daughter (he was 57, she’s probably in her 20s or 30s) decided she wanted to tell the rest of his guild (basically, his “group” that he ran around and did stuff with) that he had passed on. One guy who knew the player mentioned that he had been arguing with other players recently, so he figured that the guy was taking time off to cool down — but was stunned to hear that the guy actually died. So, this was apparently nice to know that he wasn’t actually holding a grudge against them — he was just dead.

Now, apparently this kind of thing is becoming a bigger and bigger problem as Internet social circles expand. There’s a guy who operates a site called “Deathswitch” that, in the event of your untimely demise, will shoot out mail to folks so they can close out your Internet dealings.

At first, this seemed pretty morbid. But then again, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I mean, if I’m dead, why bother to close out my Facebook account when I can just shoot a mail to a suitably sick friend with my account info and have him/her keep updating the status? Sure, my world wouldn’t be changing much, but I could still bring smiles to my friends’ faces by having status reports like:

“[Three] is still dead.”

“[Three] is decomposing.”

“[Three] can’t believe limbo is so damn boring. Gahhhh.”

“[Three] is wondering where all the topless angels hang out at.”

“[Three] may not have a big stiffy, but he is one.”

“[Three] is missing his organs.”

I mean, seriously, this could be some fun, sick stuff! And maybe if you’re good enough at it (and you have friends that are dropping left and right), you could become a necromancer of sorts, commanding an undead legion of socially active zombies! Think of the power!

OK, there really would be no power. But still, that could be a creepy-ass fun way to keep you alive in your friends’ memories for years to come.

(Yeah, this is what happens when I have entirely too much time on my hands at the end of my shift …. OH, and you get 10 points if you know where the title of this blog comes from.)


Crude thought for the day

“Anorexic chicks don’t swallow.”

(Did you really want to hear the story how this came to mind?)

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