Archive for the 'Shenanigans' Category

02
Jul
13

Good grief.

Mr. Rogers: Destroyer of Worlds, Harbinger of Doom.

King Friday will look upon the world, see nothing bug corruption and violence and sin and socialism, and find it to be unjust. He will decide that the end must come.

He will send his messenger, Mr. McFeely, to instruct man of how to be saved, but few will listen or accept his instructions, believing the words to be from a false prophet claiming to be a Nigerian Prince who needs money so he can send them more money.

You will know the end is near when Trolley’s great bell tolls, which signals the release of Daniel Striped Tiger, the right hand of Mr. Rogers, upon the world.

Daniel will enter the world with a mighty roar, and gouge the ground with his fearsome terrycloth paws, sending rippling earthquakes across the world.  His fearsome teeth will cause men to panic and flee before their inevitable destruction. Those who dare to get close to him will find themselves torn apart in Daniel’s great and mighty maw.

Things will be quiet for a day, and man will believe the worst is done.

But then a great howl will be heard across the land: Bob Dog will bring forth  X the Owl, who will beat his great wings, causing tornadoes and hurricanes to ravage man again. Millions of screams will be quieted by X’s mighty shriek, and the air itself will be littered with the dead as X laughs at man’s destruction. Man will be scattered and lost, knowing no border or home.

Again, those that live will know rest.

But on the third day, Lady Elaine Fairchilde will unleash plagues and pestilence upon man. The dead will rise and feed upon the living, while her harsh cackle fills the ears of those who live. The torment she unleashes will last for a day, and then she will say, “OK, toots!”

But on the fourth day, salvation will be at hand. Those who recognize the power and glory of Mr. Rogers will be saved. Henrietta Pussycat will arrive driving the giant trolley, and will help the survivors on board with a warm hug and a soft and gentle whisper of “Meow meow meow.”

****

And this, my friends, is why a lot of folks can’t take Fox News seriously.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29lmR_357rA

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17
Nov
11

Finding fun again

It’s been awhile since I’ve just had good ole creative fun. Fun that is stupid, but because it is stupid, it’s funny. That kind of thing. Recently I’ve been so wrapped up in work and other adult matters that I’ve been forgetting to take time out to laugh my ass off at nonsense. Usually this happens when I go visit my childhood friend — we break out BBQ chips, Pepsi and video games, and just revert to being 14 again. It’s awesome.

But, again, with adulthood taking up all my spare time anymore, I haven’t even been able to go that route.

Then a friend on Twitter (@omgitsjen) posted this:

Now, if you follow me on Twitter, Jill (@thelegendofjill) is a coworker who I constantly bicker with. She’s also sheltered to the point where she confuses Star Wars and Star Trek, thinks that “Smokey and the Bandit” is a Western, and insists that the pinnacle of cinematic masterpieces include the works of Will Farrell, Adam Sandler, and Chris Farley. When we go out, the whole night pretty much evolves into everyone bashing Jill for her being completely sheltered.

I still say that she isn’t sheltered, but that she is actually from a different planet and arrived on the Kecksburg Acorn. Google it. I called her Mork the other day, and she immediately said “WHO?”  WHO DOESN’T KNOW “MORK & MINDY”? BAM! ALIEN!

But back to the story at hand. After that first pic was posted, I HAD to know where to find the site that would allow me to create such pictures. She tweeted me the address (something like memegenator.com), and also mentioned there was an Android app for it.

App? APP!

I immediately downloaded it. While looking for it, I also found a “Motivational Poster” app, which I also snagged. Both were free.

I’ve been a 14 year old ever since. If you would have walked into the Troll Hole between 10:30-midnight last night, you would have seen me on my phone, giggling stupidly as all the creative synapses were firing again. I kept looking through my pictures, thinking about what I could make …

So, here’s a few fast ones that I created (Jill oriented, cause we were still picking on her). The motivational posters are all from using photos on my phone:

This one features @BigBaldy and @Pantster.

And there are many more. I’m holding back on a few, as I intend to break them out when various arguments/events break out on Twitter.

So, be warned … any photo that you throw out to the Twitters or the FB is now fodder for this warped little past time, as @Pam_Wow found out this morning…

It’s good to be a goofball teen again.

20
Oct
09

Pittsburgh tourism agency unveils ‘Show ’em da door’ plan

PITTSBURGH: Today, the Greater Pittsburgh Convention & Visitors Bureau announced that it is taking up a new strategy in order to cope with the growing number of groups and visitors coming to the city. The initiative is called “Show ’em da door.”

Under the new strategy, whenever high-profile conventions or visitors begin to make plans to come to the city, the bureau would redirect them to Detroit or Buffalo. If they insisted on coming to the state, directions would be given that would land them in Johnstown. Residents are asked to get into the spirit of things and give visitors directions to I-80 West or I-79 North whenever possible.

“I think this plan will pay off great dividends to the region,” said Joe McGrath, president and CEO of the organization. “By diverting them from the city, we give the residents a break from constant detours and road closures that these high-profile conventions and visitors bring. Obviously, we don’t want to intrude on PennDOT’s territory — it’s their job to inconvenience everyone.”

What da hell are yinz people bitchin baht?

"What da hell are yinz people bitchin' 'baht?"

Pittsburgh has recently become a ‘hot city’ for conventions. Many cite the city’s turnaround from having its steel industry shut down to becoming a leader in the medical research and development field, and transforming its dirty image into one of the country’s most livable cities.  But it hasn’t come without its pitfalls — mainly in the form of traffic roadblocks.  For example, Vice President Joe Biden was in Pittsburgh Monday to speak at the Allegheny County Democratic Committee’s annual dinner, resulting in traffic being snarled for hours throughout the region.

“Eff that guy,” said Jill Leonard, copyeditor at the Tribune Review. “I had to sit in traffic for an hour because of him. He’s an effing jerk. I’m still raging. A-hole.”

Last month, the G-20 economic summit spent time in the city — which  resulted in several sections of the city, as well as several highways, being shut down to residents.

“What a giant pain in da ass dat wuz,” said Chuckie Van Tresco, a North Side mechanic. “I still don git why they didn’t use helichoppers to jus fly over da Parkway an git to dahntahn. That was jist dumb. And then thar was ole Lukey sittin’ there sayin’ ‘Oh, I don know why no one ain’t comin’ dahntahn n’at.’ I dunno, Luke … maybe cuz some jagoff mayor let all ‘ese jagoffs run loose an shut everything dahn so he could be ignored by world leaders. Seriously … like the emperor of Japan wants to kick back with Lukey and Mr. ‘I want to jack up da drink tax.’ Riiiiiiight. They’re just a bunch of jagoffs. Each an every one of ’em.”

They don bother me cause they don fuck up traffic nat.

"They don bother me cause they don fuck up traffic n'at," Van Tresco said.

Other conventions and gatherings are more than welcome in the city. For example, a group known as the Furries has made the city their home for their annual convention. Furry enthusiasts enjoy dressing up as animals and scampering about in the city’s Downtown neighborhood.

Van Tresco seemed to sum up most Pittsburghers’ feelings about the group, saying “They don bother me cause they don fuck up traffic n’at.” However, he still takes precautions when the group comes to town: “I make sure I lock da doors so they don’t rape my dog inna mittle a night.”

But some Pittsburghers don’t mind the inconvenience that additional visitors bring. “Steelers Swag” store owner Mario Kesnuski says visitors to sports-themed events, such as the MLB’s All-Star Game in PNC Park or the NHL’s All-Star game in 1990, bring in desperately needed revenue to the city and his store.

“Oh dude,” Kesnuski said, “They come in here all drunk and buy anything with a team logo on it. See this shirt? I get it for like a buck, but mark it up to $30, and they buy it! It’s great! Bar owners are happy, I’m happy, everyone’s freakin’ happy. I really love it when drunk hot chicks walk by and flash me. It’s like freakin’ Mardi Gras. Gotta love it. Thank you All-Star games!”

04
Dec
08

Rudolph meets the modern age

Rudolph!

Rudolph!

So, I was watching “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer” last night — my first time in forever, mind you — and as I watched, I kept chuckling because, if someone were to try and make it as it is, they couldn’t do it.

Now, I have to admit, it’s not the first time I’ve had revelations about Rudolph. Years ago, when I lived down in Florida, I caught it after not seeing it for like probably 9 years (didn’t get to watch it in college, just kept missing it after that). It took on a whole different dimension then — the sexism, the fact that I could now safely assume that Hermey is gay, Yukon Cornelius and his link to “Deliverance” — the list goes on and on. But last night, after having a few beers, I started thinking about how it would change if it were set in 2008.

1.) General: Santa and Mrs. Claus are always accompanied by armed elves due to constant protest from PETA and various groups that claim he genetically manipulated the deer in order for them to be sentient. Santa was forced to move the deer into caves because animal-rights extremists burned down their stables.

2.) Opening scene: Santa visits the Donner cave. After Santa makes a comment to the Donners about Rudolph’s red nose and his unlikely ability to join the sleigh team, the Donners file a lawsuit against Santa for his active discrimination against their son for being born with a birth defect.

Foul temptress!

Foul temptress!

3.) Rudolph meets Clarice: After Clarice tells Rudolph that he’s cute and he takes off flying, Rudolph is promptly drug tested, and also tested for ADHD (because his exuberance couldn’t be due to his youth). To be on the safe side, he is put on Ritalin but denied the opportunity to join in reindeer games. The Donners file another suit against the teachers, administration and the Reindeer School District (whose mascot, incidentally, is “The Slayers”).

4.) Hermey the Dentist: After Hermey quits for not being able to do the job he’s been hired to do, he promptly files suit against Toy Corp. for creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with his inability or non-desire to actually do the job — as surely, anyone aspiring to be a dentist is also smart enough to be able make a couple of freakin’ toys.

Lets runaway together!

"Let's run away together!"

5.) Rudolph meets Hermey: Since both are running away, they decide to steal some skateboards, go emo and live on the edge.

Dont lick picks!

Use some common sense if you're going to lick picks!

6.) Yukon Cornelius: After too much pick licking, Yukon Cornelius contracts tetanus.

7.) Mrs. Donner and Clarice: After Donner leaves to go look for Rudolph, Mrs. Donner and Clarice take Donner’s American Express card and head to NYC for some stress relief ala “Sex in the City” — extravagant shopping, spas and man chasing. However, after realizing that he wasn’t carrying his credit cards, Donner discovers his American Express Card has been taken, and pretty much figures out what happened, since Mrs. Donner always complains that the cave is too drab and could use some livening up. He abandons the search for Rudolph in order to track down Mrs. Donner.

8.) The Land of the Misfit Toys: It’s actually an underground gothic dance club, complete with those who claim to be vampires, aliens and those who can’t let go of their out-dated video game console systems. “Freaks!” Rudolph shrieks — pointing at people who still own and use Intellivisions. He sneaks out after Hermey and Yukon Cornelius begin exploring their attraction to one another in the very cramped bedroom.

Youre both whores.

"You're both whores."

9.) Rudolph vs. the Bumble: Mr. Donner has been chasing Mrs. Donner and Clarice for a long time, and eventually caught up with them after they ducked into the Bumble’s cave. Rudolph sees them all running into the cave, and overjoyed, follows them in. The Bumble springs the trap, and knocks out Rudolph. Donner does nothing, because, well, if he’s eaten, he doesn’t have to pay his American Express bill. He calmly turns to Mrs. Donner and Clarice and matter-of-factly proclaims, “You’re both whores.”

I needs help! Im so confused!

"I needs help! I'm so confused!"

10.) Hermey, Yukon Cornelius vs. The Bumble: Yukon Cornelius convinces Hermey to start squealing like a pig because when they’re alone, it’s a turn on. But when the Bumble comes out to investigate, they quickly decide to have an intervention for the Bumble. They sit him down and talk to him about his anger, his constant lashing out and wanting to eat everyone despite his loss of teeth due to his heroin addiction. They decide it would be good to go watch Dr. Phil and get some counseling, and leave together.

Rudolph, with your wisdom so bright, wont you drop your lawsuit tonight?

"Rudolph, with your wisdom so bright, won't you drop your lawsuit tonight?"

11.) The Deer Return: The Donners and Clarice return to Christmas town, just in time to see Santa’s summons delivered. “That’s one hell of a storm out there!” the constable says. Their lawsuit, filed so long ago, will finally be heard, despite Santa’s realization that he was wrong and that Rudolph’s red nose can save Christmas. While the Donners are happy that Santa has had a change of heart, they decide to proceed with the lawsuit, because of the “mental anguish” that tore their family apart.

Rehab FTW!

Rehab FTW!

12.) The Others Return: After successfully rehabilitating the Bumble, Hermey and Yukon Cornelius come back to show off the Bumble’s new job skill — putting things on top of other things. Clearly, he is on the fast-track to success and won’t ever relapse again.

13.) The Return to the Land of Misfit Toys: Santa lets Rudolph lead the sleigh in order to hopefully cause the Donners to drop the lawsuit. They return to take the toys out of the club. “Thank God!” King Moonrazor says, “Those whinely little bitches are on my last nerve!”

14.) Santa dropping off the Misfit Toys: Santa gives the Misfit toys umbrellas to carry them safely to the non-Christian countries of the world, knowing full-well they will become deadly weapons as they plummet to the ground. U.S. spy satellites catch what’s going on, but Cheney tells G.W. it’s for everyone’s benefit — fewer emo toys, fewer godless heathens that could infiltrate U.S. shores — but that fence with Mexico better go up anyway, just in case.

The scapegoat

The scapegoat

15.) The trials: While the jury is sympathetic to Santa, they side with the Donners on their lawsuit against him and the Reindeer School District, and award them $100 million. The court also finds that one spot on the sleigh team must be occupied by a handicapable deer. (Santa would award this spot to “Goober,” who is near-sighted, and put him in the back.)

Before Hermey’s lawsuit can be heard, he is mercilessly gunned down in front of the courthouse. Conspiracy theorists argue that the hit was ordered by Santa and carried out by the elf supervisor with bad teeth or the “Tall Elf” in order to keep Christmastown alive. However, FBI agents Mulder and Scully later find that it was actually carried out by FEMA on behalf of greedy insurance companies, who have already lost entirely too much money on Katrina to afford this kind of nonsense.

– fin –

07
Feb
07

J.B. Robinson Commercial – for men

“You know Sally, you’ve come a long way since we first started fucking. Back then, you pretty much dead, just laying there like your presence was all that was required. And look at you now! You have sex with me in public, you like anal…you have evolved! But when it comes to blowjobs, you’re still the same old sex-challenged Sally that you always were. That’s why you should go and talk to Jenna Jameson. You can trust her. She’s been giving great blowjobs for years, even before she burst upon the porn scene. I mean, have you seen her films? She really works that shit! Think of it this way, honey: I know if you were buying me wrenches, you would ask a wrench expert. So why not talk to the blowjob expert? I know I can trust you to do the right thing, just as sure as I know that you’ll show up dressed as a slave to tonight’s orgy, and that the safe word is ‘umbrella.’ “




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