Posts Tagged ‘Bacon


My new heroes

She got mad skills! (Photo: Jason Bridge/Valley News Dispatch)

She got mad skills! (Photo: Jason Bridge/Valley News Dispatch)

Now you may wonder why this young lady is one of my new heroes. Well, the answer is a 3-parter:

  1. She’s hula hooping, with a beer in her hand.
  2. Her fashion sense. That hat is a definite keeper.
  3. The fact that she’s not even paying attention while she hula hoops with a beer in her hand and multiple layers on.

I mean, this whole thing takes talent. I’m not sure exactly what kind of talent enable one to do what she’s doing, but whatever it is, she’s got it. In abundance.

The second is another unlikely candidate, given that I tend to loathe most children:

And yes, even this kid is one that I would feel the urge to strangle. I mean, any kid who talks to his parents like he’s in charge deserves a good backhand. However, the “bacon is good for me” line is brilliant. He has mastered a valuable lesson that a lot of men fail to learn — saying “no” to a woman, no matter how big her breasts may be. I’m not saying he’ll be successful later on in life — but one thing is for certain — he will have bacon. And it will be good for him.

Speaking of bacon being good for you, Gertrude Baines is hero No. 3. You may remember her as being the world’s oldest woman (115), until she died on Friday. The secret to her longevity? A steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream. God bless you, Gertrude. You are a role model for the rest of us.


The power of bacon

There are sometimes that nature, with a little help from man, creates a perfect food. And one of those foods is, indeed, bacon.

Currently, I’m frying up some bacon. And dear God, the smell alone makes my mouth water. I like my bacon well done, crisp. I will be having BLTs shortly, though I may make some eggs as well, and then have, as my dad would phrase it, a BELT.

But just think how much bacon has improved our lives. What’s the perfect side dish with eggs? What are great steaks often wrapped and cooked with? What kind of bits do you want on your salad? On your potatoes? Even the grease is beneficial…every have wilted lettuce? It’s like a salad with a little bacon grease poured on it. Everything is better with bacon. Everything.

Right now, I’m flashing back to a conversation with a friend, who said her grandfather used to say, “Who wants BLTs!” to her and her brothers in the same tone that others would say about ice cream. Dear God, I know in my heart that he had to be a great guy, because anyone with a love of bacon is, indeed, a friend of mine.

And look at the people who don’t have bacon. Some of our Jewish and Muslim friends. The conflicts in Africa. The situation in China. And look how crazy they act. Blowing themselves up as well as blowing up others. I firmly believe several strips of bacon could convince them that life is worth living. And think about how easily talks could go over bacon and a few beers. “Come, my friend, let us freely exchange ideas and concerns and eat some bacon.” My only concern would be that talks would drag out so dignitaries could continue getting free bacon, and really, could I blame them?

Sometimes I feel I should start a religion based upon bacon. I wouldn’t tell anyone that I guarantee that they would go to heaven. But instead, I would say that their lives will be much more flavorful with bacon. Donations received at Mass would go towards more bacon and maybe orange juice. I would use it to teach others how to be respectful towards their fellow man by only taking 2 slices in order to leave bacon for the people at the end of the row. They could wear smiling pig pendants to remind everyone that the way to inner peace is through bacon.

In fact, when I go to heaven, I sure that my family and friends and pets who have passed before me will be waiting to greet me … with plates of bacon. “We’re amazed you made it,” they would say. “I’m as shocked as you are,” I would say. They would slowly pass the bacon to me as angels sang. And as they all lovingly watched, I would eat the bacon, which would be cooked perfectly, and offer to share it with them.

So for my friends who don’t eat bacon, I truly weep for you. I pray that one day you will feel the power of bacon. But on the inside, I must confess, I’m happy that you don’t like it, because that means more bacon for me.

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