Posts Tagged ‘Election


Election hangover

So, it’s over.


I know a lot of my friends who are dancing in the streets. And yeah, there’s a side of me that wants to join them. I’ve always hated that George W. Bush administration — even in my pro-Republican days, I couldn’t stand him. But in ways, I can’t tell if he’s retarded or genius, because some of his policies were exactly what the country needed.

Take some time to pick up your jaws and bear with me here. Really, it’s OK.

See, here’s an example of my logic: Everyone loves to point the finger at him and blame him for things like the high price of oil and other commodities — but they’re still the ones driving their SUVs 60 miles a day to work, and driving 80 mph when they do it. Everyone knows that we, as Americans, aren’t going to give up our quality of life in order to save the world. People don’t like to change. They want their jumbo Goodburger with extra fries and bacon and jumbo coke, and they want a pill to keep them skinny. They want their big comfy SUV and big house, and want to heat said home cheaply. And really, who could blame them? I mean, when I see our European cousins sitting there complaining about our excesses — in the back of my head, it strikes me as, “You’re just mad that you don’t get to play, too.”

Or put another way — when I was over in Ireland, I remember talking talking to a guy who told me he visited the States, and his favorite thing about it was IHOP. “All the choices, any time of the day or night! I mean, pick up a menu, and it’s flip. Flip. Flip. Flip.” Ok, that doesn’t translate into words really well, but he was “turning pages” with the “flips.” Another European friend loves his SUV. And yet another loves to hit the open road on a motorcycle with her husband, and just drive for hours on end. And I still think it’s pretty cool that I helped yet another English friend fulfill a childhood dream by letting him fire my Enfield rifle. He got a big grin on his face and said, “Who’dve thought that I’d have to come to America to fire an English-designed gun?” Let’s be honest — everyone wants that piece of the good life pie. We got it good here, and the American way is pretty hard to resist.

So the question becomes, how do you get the public to change when it’s really obvious that they need to, but won’t? The answer: Start dicking with them.

It started off slowly, by screwing with the Al Gore and the spotted owl. Then they encouraged more drilling to fulfill our energy needs. Then it seemed like they were doing everything they could to piss people off — “Global climate change? Screw the environment — you need gas for your SUV.” “I don’t like Saddam Hussein — let’s get him!” And after 8 years of policy changes and such, suddenly, big-time corporate shenanigans transpire. Oil prices hit $147 a barrell. People can’t afford their homes. Economy hits the skids. And suddenly folks are trading in their SUVs for more efficient cars. Everyone is starting to save and convserve. Everyone is all “Fuck G.W. and the oil companies! Fuck them up their stupid greedy asses!” The drive is on for alternative energy for cars and homes — and it’s popular this time around. People are looking for “greener” ways to live. They’re remodeling their homes, making them more energy efficient. And their hatred of G.W. and corporate greed is pushing them there. And the best part — it’s not the government telling them to do it — it’s the pissed-off public’s idea.

Genuis? Retarded luck? I don’t know. But G.W. takes the brunt of all the blame, whether he had anything to do with it or not.

And you know, honestly, I still won’t be able to answer the retarded/genius question in 30 years.  When I envision myself meeting him to ask him that question, I picture him sitting quietly in his rocking chair next to the fireplace at the nursing home, blanket on his lap. And he’ll look up at me — and I’ll see that little glint in his eye and a smile of a job well done. And I’ll wonder: Does he know something that we don’t — like how he made himself a pariah in order to save America from itself — or did he simply just shit himself again.

Only he’ll know for sure.


The Emporer is dead. Long live the Emporer.

I was preparing to leave work tonight after being completely crushed by election madness, when I happened to catch a glimpse of San Francisco on TV, the streets packed with people who were celebrating Obama’s victory.

And really, the only thing I could think of was this:

Defending your children. Defending the America.

Defending your children. Defending America.

Which, of course led me to the inevitable question:

Is this what Barack was talking about when he was mentioning that whole civilian defense force thing?

Because, you know, the FBI, DOD, CIA, DEA, ATF and all kinds of other government groups that civilians can apply for obviously don’t cut it?

Just curious.

God I need sleep.

Yub yub.

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