Posts Tagged ‘fashion


Bodies are for hookers and fat people

[Note: This blog is brought to you by the power of Dogfish Head Punkin Ale. When you think pumpkin ales, think punkin! That’s punkin!]

So, earlier today, Pittgirl posted a blog about some alleged fashion guru named LaMont. Apparently he’s like the Dear Abby of the fashion world in somebody’s eyes … I don’t know, fashion doesn’t interest me in the slightest, and to top it off, I’m drinking, which means it matters even less than it normally would (if that’s even possible). But anyway, apparently he was all against khakis in cold weather — it’s some kind of fashion “don’t.” But he did recommend cords or molehair or some-and-such. I don’t know. I couldn’t get past the fact that he’s telling me what to wear, when in his picture, he’s not wearing anything at all.

Here’s Three’s helpful hint for the day: Wear something, douchebag.

Well, this topic apparently hit a nerve of contention for whatever reason. Someone mentioned pleated pants, someone else mentioned some other kind of pants … I dunno. See, in my mind, you all should thank the gods that I even bother to wear pants, so the exact kind of pants is irrelevant — as long as that shit is covered, y’all should be happy.

But no, this topic won’t die. More people yammering on about such-and-such. When I last checked it, it was in the 30s comments. Now, it’s up to like 64.  And I really want to say, “Where do you people think you are?”

I mean, for some fashionista to come into Pittsburgh and start lobbing out fashion faux paus is like putting an armed Dick Cheney in the vicinity of lawyers and puppies. How is that even a challenge?

Pittsburgh has never been known as a fashion hotbead. I mean, we’re talking about a region that still has people that embrace the mullet; where there is such a thing as a difference between flannel and dress flannel, and where you thank the gods that folks actually bothered to wear pants in the first place, because otherwise, that stool at Primanti’s in the strip takes on a whole new dimension of whether you will sit on it or not.

This part of the rant brought to you by Everybody Loves Hypnotoad!

Now, I’m not saying that fashion can’t be considered important. I don’t know when and how said thing is possible, because right now I’m catching a really sweet buzz and if you’re a chick with a nice rack, I don’t care how you’re dressed. But I’m sure someone, somewhere thinks it’s really cool and important. I think there’s a point in there somewhere, but I’m not sure where.

But again, I’m baffled. I mean, it’s just … clothes. You know, if it’s winter and I’m warm, that’s good, right? I mean, naturally I’m not going to wear sweats to a wedding, or to a job interview or when I’m going out to a circus to look for the sword-swallowing chick. But if your pants are pleated or not? Really? Hell, I’m not one who would even notice. Again, I’m wearing pants. Be thankful. Seriously.

So for all you fashionhounds who judge me by my pants and shoes and Stonecold Steve Austin T-shirt (oh God, flashbacks to the Monroeville Hooters … “Here we go Stonecold, here we go!” *clap clap*), I laugh at you. You know why? There are so many other great things to spend your money on — like really good beer and hookers and Web space for your cracked-out views. Who cares if I’m wearing khakis or molehair pants? Christ on a pony, you know how many moles that would take? An awful fucking lot, that’s all I’m sayin’.

Now I’m not sayin’ I don’t like a spiffily dressed woman, and fashion means a heck of a lot more to women thanks to “publications” like Cosmo. (You know, if they’re anywhere close with their fashion tips as they are on their “What men want” tips, you should never pick up another one again.) However, why would I want her to limit herself? I mean, hell, if she’s warm and comfy, or feels saucy in certain clothes, who am I to judge? “Oh, you can only wear certain clothes at certain times of the year.”


Bah I say.


Look, wear whatever you want when you want. Truly, I don’t care. Not many yinzers care, either. And the ones that do, do you really value their opinion? And if you do, should you?

[The makers of Dogfish Head Punkin Ale views do not necessarily agree with said views. In fact, if you find yourself angry at said views, you should drink Punkin ale until they no longer are relevant. Thank you.]


rotten rants

For some reason I’m really, really fired up and in a bad, bad mood. So, here’s what’s on my mind:

1. Avain bird flu movie: While driving to the mall, I heard a commercial for a movie on tonight about the plague of avian bird flu. The fantastic drama included “What if we seal the borders?” “It’s too late!”

Now first of all, think about this one sec. Bird flu. Avian. How are you going to seal the border FROM BIRDS? Secondly, the bird flu is responsible for about 93 deaths WORLD WIDE since 2003. Yes, that’s right! If 93 people died today in Bangladesh, 1 apartment would open up. And the people that have died from this disease are people who have been doing things like throwing around the head of a dead chicken.

This is almost as bad as the dreaded West Nile Virus, that killed what, like 6 elderly people who would have died from being sneezed on? Oh no. The horror.

Let’s compare these to the bubonic plague that killed what, like half to 3/4 of the population of Europe? Ummm, yeah. I’m scared. Time to wrap my house up in saranwrap and hope for the best.

Shit, for a plague, these are both so wussified that I want to punch the people who bring them up and continue to push them in our faces.

2) Weather bashers: Now, I must admit that the weather we’ve been having is unusual, but I still come across people who write in their blogs about “dreary Pittsburgh weather.” Have you been fucking paying attention at all? I think I’ve had about 4 hours sleep each night for the past 6 weeks because of the sun rising at 6am, and I certainly don’t have any of my retinas left after having to drive west into the setting sun. Trust me, the weather has been anything but dreary. So, tomorrow there’s a prediction of rain, and I’m thankful for it. I may actually be able to get more sleep than 4 hours. But I know…I ABSOLUTELY KNOW…that someone’s going to say “Oh, the dreary weather is back.” It’s called rain. And believe it or not, it rains EVERYWHERE. And trust me, in the areas that it doesn’t, you wouldn’t want to live.

And don’t forget about the people who say “Well, the rain is good, cause we needed it.” In a sense, yes, right now we do, but these people will say that on any given day after a few days of sunshine. They make me insane. I swear, one week after Hurricane Ivan swept through and caused all kinds of floods and mudslides due to the ground being overly saturated from having too much rain all summer, I was at a gathering and heard a woman say, “Well, it’s okay that it’s gonna rain. We need it.” It was all I could do to not just pull a Terrance and Philip and simply slap her on the spot.

3) Fashion: While I appreciate that stores are bringing in more clothing lines for heavier folks, do these same heavier folks necessarily need to wear tight clothes? Look, I’m not svelte. But there’s a reason that I don’t try and wear a medium-sized shirt–I don’t want to walk around looking like an overcooked sausage that’s about to pop.

Clothes that fit is a neat concept. Look into it.

3a) God hates overweight Asian women. I saw an Asian woman in the mall who had to be a good 40-50 lbs. overweight. Now generally speaking, when a woman is carrying the extra weight, she can at least take comfort in the fact that she’ll have big boobs or a big butt, which a lot of guys like. And a lot of ladies still keep that hourglass shape. Except for the Asian ladies. All the weight, but none of the benefits. Just looking like a big ole walking cigar.

4) Salespeople and customer service: Rolling in to Sam’s Club, I got accosted by an overly friendly manager. The only thing worse than poor customer service is too much customer service. I wasn’t sure if I needed a cart or not, so as she’s telling me to take one, she’s also leaning in on me and yammering on and on about something. Ahhhh! Get the fuck out of my space, wench! So I snatched the cart and shopped. Then, at the check out, she mysteriously shows up and says, “Oh, see, I told you the cart would come in handy!” I came really close to asking her, “Does Sam’s carry any giant bowls of shutthefuckup? If so, you really should try some.”

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