Posts Tagged ‘funny

07
Apr
09

Wrong, but so right

04
Sep
07

Civil disobedience on Labor Day weekend

As many of you know, I work one of the worst schedules ever. I tend to work every holiday, and every weekend. And part of work life is having to deal with the sometimes overzealous security guards at my workplace.

I say “sometimes” because most of the time, the guy at the desk is asleep, talking on his cell phone or chatting with another guard.

So one day, a few months ago, the guard I like to refer to as “The Talking Head” barked at me to sign in. I call him that because he’s an old guy that never actually looks at you. He’s always peering intently straight ahead, and most of the time you don’t even know if he’s alive or not. He’s motionless. Put a turban on him, and he’s almost like Jumbie from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.

But sign in? C’mon. There’s a book downstairs that they tell us to sign on the weekends, and up until this point, I usually didn’t. I mean, why? They don’t check any ID. They know us to look at us. They know we work there … it’s the same people every weekend. But so as not to enrage the large, omnipotent head (“FEAR ME!”), I complied and did sign in.

As Fidel Castro.

Actually, I’m not sure if I started off with Fidel. It could have been a couple of different dictators. To be honest, it’s been going on for so long now that I can’t quite remember who that first fake signature was. But yes, I’ve been signing in as various names, including Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Karl Marx, Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Saddam Hussein–and the guards never caught on.

My co-workers, however, did.

One day, Rob and Jen came in after me (at different times) and said, “Hey Fidel, how’s it going?” Yeah, they busted me right away…and some decided to join in my caper. It became a game to see if you could recognize who was who. “Ok, who signed in as Lois Lane?” Jen started off with (I believe) Josef Stalin (and she has “girly” handwriting, which made it even funnier), and then escalated to various singers, sports and fictional characters, including Princess Jen, Donovan McNabb and Harry Potter. Again, the guards never caught on.

Until Sunday. I roll in and sign in as noted psychology pioneer B.F. Skinner (you know, the “you are nothing more than a response to a stimulus” guy). Nothing out of the ordinary happens. But then Jen rolls in later, and we’re sitting, chatting when the guard comes up from downstairs. “Ok Super Mario, I need you to come downstairs and sign in for real,” she says.

Super Mario? It was all I could do to not fall on the floor laughing.

So Jen has to trudge back downstairs and sign in using her real name. Apparently the guard told her “We have to do this for your safety.” Cause, you know, your signature in a book downstairs will prevent you from being killed when crazed drunken Steelers fans storm the building. Ok. Sure.

And you can rest assured that for the rest of the night, I referred to Jen as Super Mario. Infact, I now call her Mario or Super Mario all the time. It’s her new nickname, and she earned it. I’m going to change her listing in my cell to that, too.

For those of you keeping track at home, this means:

Jen                                    Me

So, the moral of the story–if you’re going to go for a little civil disobedience and sign in under a fake name, be sure to go for one that the guards won’t recognize … like Latin American dictators, fathers of communism, noted psychologists, singers, actors, sports figures or fictional characters from books. However, DON’T USE Nintendo characters. They’ll get you busted all the time.

PS: This hasn’t deterred my plans…I’ll be moving on to gameshow hosts once the heat has died down. Wink Martindale, Bob Eubanks, Richard Dawson…yeah, you know it’s coming…




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