Posts Tagged ‘kids


Love hurts

Mom sent me an e-mail today, updating me on my sister’s life. Now, my sister and I rarely talk — everything is always done via my mom. I don’t know why this is, as my sister and I get along just fine … but I think we just have vastly different lives so we just leave the other person to it.

So, mom sends me an e-mail, as apparently my sister injured herself pretty badly. And all you with children should pay attention to this next part, as it’s every parent’s nightmare: Apparently, she stepped on one of her kid’s toys, fell, and broke her foot.

Watch out for that AHHHHHHHH!

Watch out for that AHHHHHHHH!

Now, I’m almost envisioning a “roller skate near the steps” type of thing here … except I know she wouldn’t have that going on. Tomorrow, I shall pester her and get the scoop on how this all happened.

But then the real kicker happens. Her husband decides to carry her out to the car so they can go to the hospital. He’s a big guy, my sister isn’t exactly large (she stands at a mighty 5’2″ and is fairly thin), so it stands to reason that he should be able to carry her without too much of a hassle — and he doesn’t want her to aggravate that foot by trying to hobble on it.

Except that on the way to the car, he falls, and drops her. Now her elbow is torn up and she has a broken foot. He gets up, his ankle is swollen and his knee is torn up. Marvelous, right?

You know youre in trouble now ...

You know you're in trouble now ...

I mean, I have to give him credit … it was a very chivalric move, and one that you can see played out in every third movie out there. But you know, the gods had to have it in for him when he falls and drops his injured wife. I mean, at this point, you can almost hear the Benny Hill music playing in the background as it happened. Personally, I was expecting one of his cousins to mysteriously show up as it happened and slap him on the head repeatedly afterward.

They go to the hospital, she gets a boot on her foot, and she has a hard time with the crutches because of the fall and the shot to her elbow. They go home and think that basically, their day can’t get any worse.

Except, her husband’s ankle is really bugging him. Off to the hospital again … and, as you would expect … busted ankle. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up.

So, because her young boys failed to pick up their toys, both parents have broken bones and matching boots. This will be especially rough for him, since he’s working AND going to nursing school.

Make an offer, please!

Make an offer, please!

Now I’m wondering what the new mandate is around the house as far as leaving toys out. Knowing my brother-in-law, I’m betting it’s “If you leave the toys out, they’re being thrown out. Period.”

I’m also wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a sign out in their yard: “Boys for sale. Cheap. Make offer.”

(And as a side note, I can’t wait to tell my dad about this. Any abuse that I give her about it will only be compounded by leaps and bounds. It will be pure magic.)

If there’s a plus side to all of this, it’s made my Christmas shopping that much easier: One giant tub of calcium supplements. They can split it. I just hope they don’t trip over each other getting to it.


Raising your kid right

Normally, if you see me writing about children, it’ll be me being a curmudgeon, and writing about how children today just flat out suck. Except for your child. Obviously, your child doesn’t count in that statement … *rolling eyes*

But every now and then, a parent does, in my estimation, a great job. (Of course, any of you parents that don’t wrap your kids in a sack and drop them in a lake are actually pretty heroic in my eyes.) Today, I want to honor my friend Corey on how she is raising her son, Ian.

Now, Corey and I have known each other since college, been drunk in many a basement together, and know each other very well. Before I first moved to Florida, Corey threatened to chain me up in her closet to keep me from moving. When I was miserable in Florida, she offered me a couch in her home in Jersey. She’s an awesome friend.

So, she’s recently sent out a couple e-mails that made me howl laughing … here’s a couple excerpts.

Ian’s class made little construction paper presents that are hanging so adorably in the window of their classroom.  Ian’s name is on the bow and the tag says, “To Mommy & Jimo” … unmistakably his 🙂  The little paper flaps are folded in to the middle like doors. When you open it the kids all wrote something inside that they want to give their parents for Christmas. I dropped off Ian this morning and he was SO excited they were hanging up and told me to make sure that I saw his on the way out. So I signed him in, went to the window and opened the little doors.  Inside, in big, wobbly letters it said, “BEER FESTIVAL.

You got it right, kid.

You know your mom better than what she thinks.

OH MY GOD!!!  My jaw hit the floor. That child has never even seen me drink a beer in his life. Had I known this would one day be happening I’d have just cracked one open anytime I wanted! So, his teacher must have seen my eyes bugged out and my jaw hanging open so she came to the door with tears in her eyes starting to laugh! I wanted to die. She said they asked him 3 times if he was SURE he wanted to write that and every time Ian said, “YES!  They’re gonna LOVE it!!!” We both just cracked up laughing and I explained that we had gone to a beer festival back in October and he got to stay with my parents for the weekend. Right now he can go stay there permanently!  Hahahaha!

And then, the other day, I got this in an e-mail:

Hello, Fellow Steelers Fans 🙂  Yesterday the sign on Ian’s kindergarten classroom door said, “Friday is Spirit Day!  Come to school in your favorite Eagles shirt or wear your green! Fly, Eagles, Fly!”  That’s just not happening and he complained all night and all morning about it. So, THIS is how he went to school today instead 🙂

Hot damn, raised RIGHT.

Hot damn, raised RIGHT.

I am also enjoying watching my son learn to read. On the way to school this morning we passed the TD Bank and there was a huge “GO EAGLES!” banner hanging across the front of their building.  Ian said, “You know what, Mommy? That sign should say Boo Eagles, not Go Eagles!” Keep reading, Son! It’s fundamental!

So Corey, keep up the good work.You’ve taught your child 2 valuable lessons — that beer is always a great gift, and to wear your black-and-gold with pride, no matter where you live. The world needs more parents like you.


Kids today, and not getting them

So, I’m out and about this afternoon, trying to take care of a couple of things before the big Christmas holiday rolls up on us. And as I roll on out to the bank, I see some kid, probably about 13 or so, walking around in a short-sleeved shirt, jeans, and sneakers — and nothing else.

For my out-of-state  readers, it’s ass-freezing cold out today. It was like 3 degrees this morning, and has warmed up to 11. The high is supposed to be 18. (And for any out-of-country visitors, Celsius-wise, those temps are -16 this morning, and currently -11.)

Now, I likes me some cold. Yeah, I know, I’m a freak — but if you’ve been reading my blog, chances are you already know that. This kind of weather is the kind I like to go out and hike in, because the woods are freakishly quiet. But, the difference between me and said teen is this: I put on at least 3 layers, a coat, wool socks and wear goretex boots. I don’t just tramp around in a short-sleeved shirt.

And yet, what perplexes me is that I bet this same kid, in maybe another 2 years, will be wearing a tassel cap year ’round. I see these kids all the time — 80 degrees outside, they have a knit cap on. Working out in the gym? Knit cap is almost like an iPod for the “mandatory accessory” category, especially when doing cardio.

The only time they don’t seem to wear them is when, you know, it’s cold outside, and it would actually be practical.

I don’t know. The more I think I know, the more the world baffles me. I think I’ll just shut up and make some meatloaf, and hope that Darwinism will wake from its slumber and retake the world.

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