Posts Tagged ‘New Jersey


New Jersey: I’m sorry.

A few posts back, I kinda went on a tear, busting on the residents of New Jersey (and the state) with my ignorant, unprovoked attacks upon them. You seen, having never really been there, I could only guess what it was like. I kinda envisioned Tony Soprano and Silent Bob riding Jersey Devils and burying nuclear waste like Johnny Appleseed. And there would be tons of cursing.

And there was a lot of bashing done on Twitter before even entering the state. Tweets like this appeared … again, unjustly.

But I was wrong, New Jersey. Very, very wrong.

See, upon entering the state, I expected to be, at the very least, verbally assaulted. Which I wasn’t.

I expected to see big hair. Know what was big on the first woman I saw there? Her boots. We’re talking ginormous, up to the knee boots. In mid-70s weather. But she was tiny, so maybe it was needed to help weigh her down. We may never know.

So, being the man that I am, I’m here to correct or clarify myself.

  • When I busted on Newark, I was out of line. I was actually thinking of Camden. I think the Beastie Boys actually wrote a song called “No Sleep Through Camden,” but it was later changed to “Don’t Go To Camden” until it was finally changed to “No Sleep To Brooklyn” after a failed show in Camden, and they were fleeing. So Newark, I’m sorry. No, I won’t be stopping by to apologize in person, but … you know …
  • I did discover that Trenton is the Italian or Jewish mother passive-aggressive center of New Jersey. You can just hear Trenton saying, “I work so hard for yoos, work my fingers to the bone, and all you do it take take take. I’m SO unappreciated!”
    Let’s face it, when you put the guilt trip in big-ass lighted letters on a freakin’ bridge, you mean it.
  • I didn’t see any drug dealers or mobsters that I know of.
  • Everyone was polite and friendly, though I assume that was because we were in Princeton, and everyone thought we were homeless or from a third-world country (like Pennsylvania).

So you see, New Jersey wasn’t at all what I expected. Which is good. But Philly, on the other hand … don’t even get me started on those guys …


    Da fallaht

    So, I’ve been getting a little flak for my Philly/Jersey posts recently.

    And this is even AFTER I took the criticisms to heart and have been calling the upcoming wedding “The Jersey Wedding” instead of “The Philly Wedding.” And yet, those jagoffs from aht East still keep on razzin’ me abaht my geographical apathy.

    Bitter much, Eastbies?

    I mean, I even went to a small tweet-up event (watching @burghseyeview’s son play … err, stand on the sideline due to injury while his football team played CMU) and got bashed. I was talking about the upcoming event when I mentioned “The Jersey Wedding” (correctly), and @Beth910 piped in with a “Don’t you mean the PHILLY wedding?” And because I didn’t quite hear her the first time, she hit me with it a second time. Just my luck, she was from North Philly, and had all kinds of connections to Jersey. And she had obviously read the post. I played it off as well as I could, but secretly, I feared she’d grab a plastic butter knife and come after me with it. (I learned the lesson a long time ago … don’t mess with Philly chicks … they WILL cut you.)

    Obviously, I pressed a couple buttons. Apparently, Philly don’t like ta be confused with Jersey and vice versa. But they’re all more than happy to come together like the goddam UN to bash me for bashing them.

    So, to keep up with the button pressing, I advise all the Eastbies who got their skirts all up in a tizzie to watch this Greg and Donny video (starting at abaht the 1:53 mark), because Gina sums up how I feel perfectly:

    Brace yinzselves. We’re comin’ aht, and we ain’t takin’ no prisoners.

    (Greg, Donny and Gina — yinz guys rule n’at.)


    New Jersey: The Portugal of Philly

    My buddy, @AngrierFish on Twitter, has jumped into the fray that I started with yesterday’s post. He tried to tell @ChrissieC that for us, everything east of Harrisburg is Philly. And, to boot, on Facebook, he posted a map — tagging me at one end, and the NJ crew on the other.

    I’ve taken that map and expounded on it a bit. So here you go: How “aht East” is seen by those of us on the West side of the militarized zone:

    Do you get it now, New Jersey?

    (I shoulda totally added ‘WaWa’ out there for NJ. Oh well…)


    Location, location, location

    As some of you know, I have a wedding coming up in October. No no, I’m not getting married … but one of my best friends is. Corey, who I’ve known since my junior year of college, will be having a pretty kick-ass wedding. She’s marrying Jimo, who is also a fantastically fun guy, in what could be a wedding of the ages: the reception will be at the Triumph Brewery in Princeton, NJ. If I remember correctly, it will feature live music (allegedly, the band will play metal), and I will finally get to meet a bunch of Corey’s friends from “aht East,” as we already chat and abuse the crap out of each other on Facebook and Twitter.

    So, yes, this will be an epic wedding. Make no mistake about it.

    Which leads me to a tweet I threw out the other night …

    Which led to Aht East crew member Chrissie busting my stones …

    Which led to …

    Now, flash back about 15 years ago, when I was living down in Florida. I had picked up a second job to pay the bills and save up a little cash so I could move back to Pittsburgh. I was working at a country club gym in Boca Raton, where the vast majority of members were from NYC and New Jersey. They would ask where I was from, I’d say Pittsburgh, talk of the Steelers would ensue, and life was good.

    However, later on down the road, we’d be talking and they’d say, “Oh, but you’re from Philly.” I would get an incredulous look on my face. I mean, if this was the era of dueling, I would have slapped them with a glove and it would be on. “PHILLY?! No. I’m from Pittsburgh.” They’d brush it off with a “Oh, same thing.”

    No. No no no no no. Not even remotely close to the same thing. We don’t have Rocky. We don’t have the Liberty Bell. Ben Franklin? Not from Pittsburgh. We have an accent, but we can pronounce “water” properly. We’ve also never pelted Santa Claus with snowballs, and our quarterback has only been ACCUSED of crimes, not found guilty. See, big differences. I think it’s safe to say that while we share the same state, no one from Philly wants to be confused with being a Pittsburgher, and vice-versa.

    But now the tables were turned. I was being accused of confusing New Jersey with Philly. I was the one brushing it off as “same thing.” So, I wanted to take a little time to share all that I know about New Jersey:

    • It’s a place where douchebags go to contract STDs from other douchebags on the oceanfront.
    • The Sopranos tend to dispose of bodies there.
    • It’s literally a “mob rule” kind of state.
    • It’s like 10 miles x 30 miles. That’s it.
    • Newark is a scary spot. Don’t stop there. Ever.
    • The Jersey Devil lives somewhere outside of Newark, but is likely from there.
    • That warm feeling you get when you enter New Jersey? That’s from all the toxic waste buried there.
    • Kevin Smith is from there, which is pretty cool.
    • I hate NJ’s hockey team with a passion.

    So, in other words, I know nothing about New Jersey, and I owe everyone an apology. My tweet should have read “I need to go suit shopping for my friend’s NJ wedding, which is coming up fast. While there, I will likely be eating human flesh and drinking delicious beer (which I’ve heard radiant reports about), and as I stumble into the glowing parking lot to hook up with the staff bimbo, I will likely be killed by a mythical creature.”

    Sure, it would have gone way past Twitter’s 140 character limit, but now I feel a lot better, as should you.

    (And let’s hope people from New Jersey have a sense of humor….)

    Follow me, Twittering fools!


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